(Closed) 3 weeks before the wedding and I want to call it off.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t marry this guy because the vendors are paid. Marry him because you love him more than anyone in the world, you trust him with your future and the future of your children, and because you are happy with him. If you don’t feel that way, postpone the wedding and work out your issues.

 

Post # 33
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee

Just something that has me thinking….I believe that most people aren’t paranoid in a relationship and when they think that their SO is lying to them intuitively, that they are very often right. However, if that trust is gone already and you start snooping and nothing turns up…it doesn’t make the nagging feeling go away. It stays there and the trust is still missing from the relationship. Is the snooping really necessary? If you don’t trust the person, why wouldn’t you just go from there, rather than waiting for proof??

It seems to me like the snooping and finding something is just a justification for snooping.

Post # 34
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I cannot believe the people defending this guy! If your SO tells you that something really bothers you and asks you not to do it, you don’t promise not to and then go do it anyway just because you feel like it! If you really disagree and aren’t going to respect your SO’s wishes, be an adult and tell them honestly before the fact! The OP’s Fiance is a liar and a coward. An honorable man doesn’t make promises he doesn’t intend to keep.

OP, I’m so very sorry. But I think your instincts are right. This man is not anywhere near ready for marriage. And worse still, his bad behavior and your mistrust of him is leading you to compromise your own principles (snooping, etc.). I worry you’re headed for a vicious downward spiral if you stay.

I really think you should postpone at the very least and seek individual counseling to help you work through this and determine your next steps. I wish you all the strength and grace and courage in the world.

Post # 35
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

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@mrssrm:  100% agree with you.  Every word of it.

Post # 36
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I understand why you’re hurt, to be honest I would be to.  And I don’t think people should be getting on your back about it.

Maybe you could have approached the situation a bit better, maybe you could have negociated a middle ground and established hard limits while listening to what he wanted to do.

But I think if you love this man and you can’t see your life without him then you shouldn’t walk away from him.  No relationship is perfect and no man is perfect.  Believe me I completely understand where you are coming from (check my back history through my posts and under my last username and you will see exactly what I’m on about with false promises and lies).  But at the same time you can’t let your negative past experiences dictate your future happiness.  Ultimately it sounds like you and your other half need to look at the way you communicate with each other and try to figure a way forward.

If you think it will help then I would see a counsellor.  My current Fiance and I have had our moments as well but the important thing to remember is that love is acceptance of the other person.  He has accepted your trust issues.  Maybe you need to accept that his mistake.  No one is perfect, make it work.

Sending prayers and love x

Post # 37
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@mrssrm:  ITA.

Post # 38
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

I’d be hurt that he went to a strip club if I expressed my dislike for the idea. I would be PISSED to hear about him hanging out on his own with a girl you don’t know. I’d get to the bottom of who this Jeannie is and to be honest I wouldn’t be so easy to forgive. He’s going to be a married man. No reason to be putting himself into a situation where he is alone on the night of his bachelor party with a random female.

 

Post # 39
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with @Nona99.  Completely.

OP, I understand being upset that he lied. I almost feel like because of your admitted trust issues however, you are looking for him to be dishonest and lie and/or cheat to you eventually and that is not fair to him. I don’t think you should call off your wedding, but I do think you should get counseling to deal with those issues or you will never trust him. 

Post # 40
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hmmm…I’m going to try to say this without discounting the severity of breaking trust and lying that happened. Personally speaking (and I guess you could count me into the group that doesn’t really care about strip clubs one way or the other), I don’t think this isolated incident would be enough to warrant calling off a wedding. Does he have a history of lyng to you? If so, then yes, I would definitely reconsider vowing my life to this man. However, if this was/is really one of the only lies/dishonesty he has displayed in your relationship, I would definitely have a serious talk about the implications of this lie and how that makes you feel in terms of trust, but then let it go…

To be honest, I’ve known plenty of guys who were ready to get married that hid the strip club on their bachelor party from their fiance because the girl had such strong feelings against it. A lot of times the strip club and bachelor party festivities are more for the other guys than the groom, and unfortunately, when a lot of guys think of bachelor parties, a lot of them think it’s directly correlated with strip clubs. I’m not saying this is right or should be used as a reason to lie and go against your wishes; I think that dishonesty definitely need to be worked out between the two of you. I could just see this having been a situation where it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Post # 41
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I FULLY support you OP – don’t let any of the criticism bring you down. You are in an extremely stressful situation right now, and you’ve been deeply hurt by the lying. I think “emotional terrorism” is  way too harsh. It’s also not about debating strip clubs right now.

Don’t bother with blaming yourself for snooping, don’t put yourself down for having trust issues, and don’t label yourself as paranoid. Just try and see what your next step will be (either to go ahead with the wedding or not). In my mind, the lying is very serious. My mother has been married for over 30 years, and she told me that not once has my dad lied to her that she knows of. You don’t have to go through this alone. I’d suggest talking to someone you really, really trust (not necessarily a family member because they are so closely emotionally connected).

Anything can be worked through with your fiance. However, just a note to be aware, I postponed my wedding because my fiance broke his word to me on something important, and my relationship never recovered (we split up). It’s pretty devastating to even postpone a wedding.

 

Post # 42
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

By the way, I disagree with how girls get labelled as having “trust issues” or how they are oftentimes told to “get over” what they are feeling. I think that if you have been cheated on in the past, it means you’ve been hurt, and your fiance should be even MORE sensitive to how you feel. If anyone tells you to get over it, a loose analogy is that it would be like telling someone who is recovering from a wounded foot to “stop limping”. I think that women’s feelings often get shoved under the carpet in favor of how they “should” be reacting, and that this leads to bigger problems down the road.

Post # 43
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@fullyalive:  To me it’s more like burning your hand on a stove and then treating every stove like it’s burning hot for the rest of your life. As much as it hurts to have your trust betrayed in your past (like I have) that doesn’t give you a right to treat every partner like they are untrustworthy. 

Post # 44
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

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@batwoman:  If they lie to you, they are untrustworthy.

Post # 45
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@batwoman:  I agree with your last statement. I’ve been “burned” by a past lover and like every woman in that situation it takes time for that wound to heal. I could never imagine treating my Fiance poorly because of my past, in fact I think that he has only helped me grow into a stronger woman.

Post # 46
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

I see this kind of thing a lot, girl gets a bad feeling and goes snooping and the first response, even from people who support her, is always “you have trust issues!!!!”

I give my trust to people who are trustworthy, not people who lie to me.  Whether or not she has trust issues from her past is irrelevant to her snooping through his email.  She snooped not because she has trust issues, but because he wasn’t trustworthy.  It’s not a trust issue to not allow yourself to be blatantly lied to.  If I’d never snooped on my ex I wouldn’t have found out about his cheating saga and multiple facebooks.  Never felt the need to snoop on my current SO because he’s trustworthy.

OP, the right man will never give you a reason to snoop.  I’m glad you followed a gut to protect yourself and I’m sorry you’re going through this.  

The topic ‘3 weeks before the wedding and I want to call it off.’ is closed to new replies.

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