(Closed) 3 weeks before the wedding and I want to call it off.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I didnt read all the comments just the first page and a bit, and i have to say why is it the women think its okay to TELL their partner what to do and not to do?? They arent pets!

 

Post # 108
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, lots of opinions… I think a lot of people are getting hung up on the stripper part of things, whether they think it’s shady that he went and lied, or whether they think there’s nothing wrong with it. I think the real problem runs deeper than this; you asked him not to do something, and he did it anyway. Yeah, maybe it is an arbitrary demand like some people have pointed out. But if he had a problem with it, he should have told you so and explained that it was important to him to have this traditional “bachelor party” experience, and worked with you to reach a compromise you were both comfortable with. Or even if you weren’t comfortable with it, I feel like you would have at least been able to trust him if he had been honest about what his plans were and what would and would not happen. It’s the fact that he felt that he could say “ok, sure” to you, and then do whatever the hell he wanted because if you don’t find out, it doesn’t matter. Yeah, I can see that kind of behavior furthering trust issues. At the very least, it doesn’t bode well for communication. I had a boyfriend lie to me about getting a lap dance, and honestly, I couldn’t respect him after that. It was a combination of the idea that he was into the idea of a naked stranger grinding on him for money (I have nothing against strippers, one of my bffs danced for awhile; trust me, they don’t think these guys are any classier than the jilted gfs and wives do, either), and the idea that he thought he could do whatever he wanted as long as I didn’t find out. Where does that kind of thinking stop? Because yeah, it’s fine and dandy to be sorry once you get caught, but it doesn’t necessarily show any real character. 

The second thing about your post that is really telling to me is that you don’t say that you don’t want this to break you up, or that you don’t want to give up on an otherwise amazing relationship because of this one incident. You jump right to “I have serious doubts about this marriage and want to call it off.” I think that’s a sign; a lot of women would see this as a mistake that could be moved past with therapy and some good communication. I’ll be really honest, my SO lied to me about something that wasn’t a huge deal (I think on the same level as going to a strip club without telling me), but the lie was really hurtful. He promised to get counseling to help with our communication and to help him understand why he felt the need to lie (and followed through) and we have talked about the incident a lot. But I knew I didn’t want that to break us up. I knew that it would take time and work to trust him again, but that I was committed to doing my very best to make the relationship work out. It sounds to me like maybe you had some nagging doubts before this happened, and that is why you are considering calling off the marriage. 

I also have to ask why you think marrying someone who is ok with strip clubs and lap dances when you are so against it doesn’t signify a big difference in values. And this is a real question; it may not extend to other issues, it may be the way one or both of you were raised, or it may be a bigger deal than you think. Not all men like strip clubs; a lot of them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable by the idea of them. Also, if he doesn’t like strip clubs but went because of his friends and consented to numerous lap dances, then what does that say about him and his friends? You are marrying this person; his friends aren’t going to go away or magically stop influencing him. Figure out if this is going to be a problem in the future or not. 

Trust your gut. Figure out what you want. Don’t worry about the vendors and the money. Your happiness and peace of mind is not worth trading for any amount of money. And it’s not about the wedding, it’s about the marriage; if you don’t want this marriage, or think that you’ll be signing yourself up for years and years of distrust and unrest, then don’t go through with it. It is ok to change your mind. It is better to do it now than weeks or months after the wedding. 

 

Good luck! 

Post # 109
Member
9164 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@jayebaby: ” random ass hoochie grinding her girlie parts

I am offended by you calling another woman who is just doing a job such a disresepctful name. I am sure strippers don’t refer to wives/girlfriends/SO’s as buttoned up prudish fridgid b*tches so how about showing them some respect. You don’t have to agree with or like their job but they are people too with feelings.

I don’t care to agrue whether the rights or wrongs or strip clubs (there is another thread going on for that) but it is obvious to me that there is a lack of trust and respect on both sides in this equation. OP because she has trust issues and snooped and him for not speaking up (probably due to the trust issues) and lying.

And I do agree with a lot of posters who have said why is it ok for the woman to deem something and it have to be done. Normally these talks are emotional and when the woman starts spouting out things like- you cannot go to strippers, they are digusting, men who go are digusting, you will never have me again/I will leave if you visit one. Well what is a man in love supposed to do? It is emotional terrorism- you are saying that you will leave him if he visits a stripper- so he lies because he is scared. Scared of you, scared of the reaction, scared of losing the love over something which is probably just a bit of fun for him. Not only that you are telling him he is disgusting if he happens to enjoy them. Disgusting for liking something.

Post # 110
Member
11346 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think the wisest coursse of action is to put the wedding on hold.  At least take that pressure out of the equation.  It will hurt but cost far less than a divorce.

Next would have to be couples’ therapy to find out if this is salvageble or get support for ending it in a civilzed manner as well

 

as deal with the pain.

I really don’t think OP should be marrying this guy right now.

Post # 111
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand why you’d be hurt and consider calling the wedding off. The idea of my husband going to a strip club makes me uncomfortable and for his bachelor party I asked him and his Bridesmaid or Best Man as well to do anything else but that. It wasn’t on his bucket list of things to do before he dies so he agreed? I respect that he respects me.

Unfortunately being cheated on does carry onto the next relationship, it’s not something you can just “let go”. I too had a bf that cheated and when I met my husband it took a long time for me to trust him. I even snooped through his phone once and admitted it to him but he wasn’t bothered. He said “I have nothing to hide”. After that I never felt the need to snoop again. If someone doesn’t have anything to hide why would they care if someone snooped? If my husband wanted to look at my e-mails, texts or phone log I’d have no problem with it.

For the OP, I would ask him why he felt the need to agree to not go and then lie about it. Why was going to a strip club more important than your feelings? Has it been his life long dream to go to a strip club for his bachelor party? I mean you didn’t ask him not to backpack across Europe. This would make me question what else he would lie about, deny and then confess when you have proof.

To Miss Apricot and Jayebaby…. absolutely right on!!! I love the way you guys think… funny too!! If your SO tells you something makes you uncomfortable why in the world would you put your needs before theirs? My love and respect for my husband is more important than my need to do _____.

Pokemon You wouldn’t tell your partner what to do or not to do? I remember one of your replys regarding guns and you said if your SO wanted a gun “It’s either me or the gun”. Isn’t that TELLING your partner what to do? I would think if he did want one he’d have training, keep it in a safe and not put your life at risk.

Post # 112
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@MadameX:  Your post is VERY rational and gets to the center of what this whole issue is about.  I hope the OP really thinks about what you wrote.

Post # 113
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

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@Pokemon:  I think it was more that she told him it made her uncomfortable and she didn’t want him to go, he promised he wouldn’t and then did and lied about it.

It’s not as if she’s telling him not to hang out with his friends; she’s telling him she isn’t alright with him letting half-undressed women rub all over him.

 

Had the roles been reversed (him not wanting her to have male strippers, her saying she wouldn’t, and then letting 3 guys strip for her/dance on her), he probably would’ve been just as pissed.

 

Post # 114
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Let me throw this out there …. I’ve been cheated on before, was with the ex for 8 years. 

I’ve never not for one minute not trusted DH.  I’m questioning the “TRUST ISSUES” you have.  Is it all men or just men you get serious with? 

I’m sorry this is happening so close to your wedding, and everything is paid off, I know it’s stressful but I don’t think either one of you are ready for this. 

Do you spend the rest of your life checking up on him? Handing down new edicts of places he’s not to go/people he can’t talk to because you don’t trust him? Sounds exhausting to me.

Post # 115
Member
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*HUGS* Sorry you were lied to, no one deserves that.  Like I’ve said in other posts, it’s not the stippers I have a problem with, it’s the behavior of lying that seems to follow them.

Post # 116
Member
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OP I think your concerns and anger are valid. I have a no tolerance for lying. It wouldn’t matter if it was about strippers, or whatever, the fact that someone you love can lie to your face and not bat an eye is infuriating and should not happen. The thing I value most in me and FIs relationship is our honesty. Even if the truth is horrible, we say it. If I lost that I don’t think I could be with him.

The fact that he knew your concerns and apprehentions about the strip club but yet went anyway and lied to you about it is unforgivable in my book. I wouldn’t be able to marry that person. I’m SO sorry you are going through this. I hope things work out, but if you do decide to postpone/cancel the wedding, you are definitely justified.

No one needs to know why, or the details. “He broke my trust in a huge lie” is pretty accurate though.

Post # 117
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think the OP should be attacked for being uncomfortable with the idea of strippers or stripclubs. If you’re ok with some hot chick grinding the kitty on and against your Fiance, until he reaches a full on erection (and then some )….thats cute for you. But don’t knock the next chick for being uncomfortable with it. It doesn’t mean she’s not “ready” for marriage, its just not something she’s ok with and she should be entitled to that.

Now getting to the real issue here, I think it was wrong your Fiance so blantantly lied to you. I agree with PP, he should have been man enough to be honest with you. The real issue here is #1 he lied. With that said, communication is key! You need to tell him EVERYTHING you’ve told us and what you plan to discuss with your therapist. Should you call off the wedding? Well only you can decide….personally I wouldn’t. If he has never given you a reason NOT to trust him before, then I think at the very least postpone. This incident may certainly be the case of “peer pressure” (not making excuses, just saying) and not his own doing. But please sit down and have this discussion, be open and honest. Good luck OP!

Post # 118
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

First off let me say that I am sorry OP is going through this just 3 weeks before her wedding.  So not cool.  My question to OP is has he lied to you before to make you feel like he was lying to you about going to the strip club which ultimately led you to snoop in his chat? Or was it the “baggage” that you brought from your previous relationship that led you to do so? If that is the case it don’t really matter if he was telling the truth or not you wasn’t going to believe him. I think both of you should postpone the wedding and really do some soul searching so that you(OP) can deal with and heal from the hurt from your past relationship. He need to decide if he will help you along the journey to get to that place by his actions and his words.  

Post # 119
Member
2910 posts
Sugar bee

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@HisIrishPrincess:  Do you spend the rest of your life checking up on him? Handing down new edicts of places he’s not to go/people he can’t talk to because you don’t trust him? Sounds exhausting to me.

I agree with this so much. OP, I can’t imagine this is the future you want for yourself. If your Fiance lied to you once and “got away with it” (which I think will be his internalized lesson from having lied, been caught, and then you going through with the wedding anyway) I think he won’t have any reason not to do so again. Staying with him after this serious incident teaches him that you will accept being treated poorly. 🙁

How are you feeling now, OP? I know a lot of us are thinking about you.

Post # 120
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I think posters might be putting too much emphasis on the OP “dictating” to her husband to be. I agree with other posters that this is a matter of the bold-faced lie he told–and for me, also about this random Jeanette that the OP seemed not to know.

I don’t think the OP is dictating to her fiance because strippers do a job that is of a sexual nature. Lust and desire is definitely involved in this trade. While some women think it’s fantasy, other women believe as the bible says, which is that adultery begins in the thoughts. Those thoughts might or might not lead to actions, but still the thoughts are a betrayal. Again, SOME believe this, some do not. If the OP is one of those who believes something like that–whether for religious reasons or not–then she has a right to ask that her fiance or husband not participate in lustful experienes.

Addionally, the fiance did something else that no one else has mentioned. He made his wife look like a weak fool in front of his friends. He demonstrated to his friends that his wife is naive and he is able to manipulate her.  So the next time these friends want to do something that is questionable to the wife, he might feel that pressure to lie to her again, so he doesn’t look like he’s a caving husband.  Some posters did mention this resulting peer pressure, and it’s a realiyt that, even if it’s sophmoric, still exists. So I worry that his friends will lose respect for his wife, because he is not exhibiting respect for her in front of them. 

 

Post # 121
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@fvsoccer:  
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@mrssrm:  
The bottomline is that you don’t trust him.  You can’t marry someone you can’t trust, period!  Was it bad that you snooped?  Yes.  But the underlying problem is that HE LIED!  If you snooped and found nothing, then shame on you.  But you snooped and found out that you were justified in snooping, so shame on him!  That’s nothing to brush under the rug!  He made a promise to you.  And he broke the promise.  It wasn’t a promise to wash the dishes and he didn’t do it because he was tired.  It was a promise not to have strange women bump and grind on him!  Some women are okay with it, but you’re not!  He should not be doing it behind your back!

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