Post # 16
valtul : 1) are you sure you want a marriage or just a wedding? I don’t mean to be disrespectful with this question. I am divorced and when I look back and am being 100% honest with myself, I realize that for my first marriage I was more excited about the wedding than actually being married to the guy. So, be brutally honest with yourself about what you really want.
2) I agree with others that 24 and 25 is quite young. I was 29 for my first marriage and now I’m 41 and just got engaged after being with my guy (who is 52) for four years.
Breaking up is a lot easier to do than getting a divorce. Not that it’s emotionally easy, but getting a divorce is so much more complicated. So don’t make timelines based on friends and just make sure you’re being honest about wanting to be with this guy or if you’re just excited to have a ring and a wedding.
For what it’s worth, I’ve never described my current relationship as “we have our issues like every couple does.” The only relationships that I have described using words like that have crashed and burned. Personally, I feel like when someone describes their relationship that way they are justifying a shitty relationship. IMHO
Post # 17
xaphroditex : My bf would often say he didn’t feel like he could give me the kind of life I deserved yet. .. Think about it: does he feel like he could afford the kind of ring he wants to get you? He probably wants to wait until he can get you the kind of ring he wants. Does he feel like he can buy a house and ensure he can provide for you and your children down the road if need be?
So in other words, until the masculine part of the couple feels 100% ready and prepared to create ths kind of life he envisioned [without any feedback from the unsuspecting woman], it’s a no-go.
Post # 18
hampsterdance : +1
Also maybe this is just me, but what’s with the “he couldn’t give me the kind of life I deserved yet”…isn’t marriage about building a life together? There are a lot of assumptions going on that the guy is going to be the breadwinner, foot the bill for the ring and the house and the kids and everything else. I get some women want that, but it seems like life would be a lot easier/less stressful if more women had financial ownership for their joint goals.
I should add, I’m sure many do, it just doesn’t seem that way on these boards.
Post # 19
I’m also hesitant about all the posters telling OP to wait, because 3 years, 24yo and no proposal = wait can easily turn into 9 years, 30 and no proposal = OMG why have you wasted so much time?!
Post # 20
I also felt very uneasy after 3 years of dating my SO (which is where we are at currently… 3 years and 1 month!), but a nice discussion between us has me feeling so much better about our relationship to the point where I know he is committed to me, and it will happen in the next year. We don’t talk about it anymore, because I know it’s important to him to surprise me, but I made it clear to him that his intentions were important to me, so that discussion really put me at ease. I actually started a thread because I was venting about being frustrated waiting, and all the bees that commented all said the same thing: discuss it with him! This does not, in any way, shape, or form, encourage a fight about it!!!!
Post # 21
valtul : I am in the exact same situation as you! My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and constantly talk about marriage though there is still no proposal. We are the same age as you (24) and it’s very hard to wait because I’m ready for this next step in our relationship. I am trying to be patient and respect his wishes, because I know we want to be together forever but it is tough sometimes.
Post # 22
irishbride2018 : That is your opinion, that financial security before engagement “shouldn’t” matter, It does matter to some people and you can’t just dismiss someone else’s needs.
Post # 23
I think it REALLY depends on the couple.
I have some friends who got pregnant within 3 months of just dating – had kids and then decided to get married.
I have friends who have been together for years (and I mean like 10+) and they’ll get married “someday” and they’re both cool with where they are in the relationship.
Then I have some friends who got engaged within 8 months and married less than a year after the engagement. It has to be right for the couple. If you want children while you’re young that can play a factor, if you feel it’s right then you need to have that discussion.
I do not, however, think it should be a fight. A fight, to me, says either you’re bullying him into something he doesn’t want/isn’t ready for – in which case you guys are clearly not on the same path – or it says he just doesn’t want that with you. It isn’t easy but it could be true. People change an incredible amount in their early 20s and maybe you guys are growing apart – maybe he realizes that and you haven’t come around to it.
Or maybe he does love you but he isn’t ready. Do you two have a great life together? As another poster said, do you want marriage, or the wedding? Because if you are already living together you are building a life together and dealing with every day crap . . . that’s marriage. You don’t have the piece of paper, sure, but that’s marriage. Perhaps be honest with yourself – ask yourself what you really want and if you’re pressuring him because you just feel it’s right and ask if you’ve considered where he’s at. If you trust him, then just let the relationship be and see where it takes you. Easier said than done, I know but you can’t rush this.