3 Years and NOT ENGAGED! Will he ever commit to me?!

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know.. I don’t want to be Insensitive but at some point you do have to say, is his anxiety at too high a level for him to function within this relationship and in a family. At this point it sounds like the answer is yes. I’d just take a look at his progress with handling his anxiety in the last 3 years you’ve dated him. It’s reasonable to expect him to be making progress if he is on meds and goes to therapy weekly. If after doing all that he isn’t making any progress than perhaps he just isn’t capable of handling a marriage and kids. At least he isn’t ready now and you can’t marry him not knowing if he ever will be on top of his anxiety enough to give you the support you need. It also seems a bit suspicious that he only panics when it has to do with moving the relationship forward. Other than that does it seem he has a handle on his anxiety in all other areas of his life? Like at work? 

For me I know that I would need solid support in a partner especially when tough things came up. Because tough times will come up in a marriage. Honestly it doesn’t matter if it is his anxiety or just good old fashioned commitment phobia that is causing him to freak out when he is about to pull the trigger on taking your relationship to a new level. The issue is that in 3 years it looks like he hasn’t made any progress in the relationship. He is still freaking out when you two try to take steps forward. 3 years is a long time without making progress. You can only at this point make the assumption that who he is now is who he will always be. You can’t base your life choices assuming he will improve. He is who he is right now. Really think that over. Really think about what this could mean in your future. Will he freak out the night before the wedding? Will he freak out when you call him from the hospital in labor? Will he freak out when one of your parents pass and you need him there? 

Post # 17
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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libra930 :  I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, I think 3 years is actually a long time! I think you should decide what is your personal wait time limit and keep it in your mind for a bit. It really sounds like you know what you want in life, and he doesn’t know if he is ready to commit. The last thing you’d want to do is force him to and not have it be what you imagined, or for things to split up between you. I’ve been there before. I would ask yourself how long you are willing to wait for a commitment. ❤️☺️

Post # 20
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee

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libra930 :  sounds like you already have your answer. His anxiety only manifests in extreme ways when it comes to moving the relationship forward. He hasn’t made any progress in 3 years. Sounds like the constant dissapointment is really tough for you. I would be fed up too. Think it is time for you to move on to someone who is excited to marry you. The truth is, he logically knows that he could manage his anxiety surrounding a wedding and engagement. He could have a court house wedding. He could propose quietly. You two moving in together isnt a spectator sport where people will watch. There are plenty of ways to get married and keep the fanfair low so he is comfortable. Also, moving in with someone, proposing, marrying etc. should be exciting and fun. It would only give someone anxiety if it was something they didn’t want to be doing or had doubts about. 

Post # 21
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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libra930 :  

Ok, your bf suffers from anxiety.  It’s very common.  The big question is:  what is he actually doing about it?  Is he seeing a therapist?  Meds?

I have all kinds of compassion for anyone struggling with an anxiety disorder.  It’s awful.  But, it’s not magically going away by itself.  He has to work at it.

Right now, he’s enjoying a few perks of having his anxiety disorder—he gets out of doing things he doesn’t really want to do.

Fourth or fifth time he’s backed out?  Bee, just no.  Surely you love yourself more than this.

Post # 22
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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libra930 :  

Interesting that he made a point of telling you that he didn’t actually pay for the ring because he’s working with a family jeweler, whateverthehell that is. My family never had it’s own jeweler.  And certainly not one that gave away free engagement rings.

There are a few different ways to analyze this. It strikes me as an attempt to downplay and minimize the importance of your ring.

Post # 24
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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libra930 :  I am so sorry this happened to you. That is such a truly awful experience. It sounds like he led you on and then just ghosted you when things got difficult. That is so cruel and not how you should treat someone you spent three years with.

You deserve so much better. You deserve a face-to-face conversation. You deserve someone who can commit to you. You deserve someone who doesn’t dangle a ring in front of your face. You deserve someone who can follow through. You deserve someone who doesn’t flake out on you. You deserve someone who doesn’t use anxiety as a crutch. You deserve someone who loves you and treats you well.

Post # 25
Member
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

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libra930 :  Holy shit… I can’t believe he did that to you. I’m so sorry, Bee!!!

Reading through the thread until I got to this update I was kind of on the fence about how the situation should be handled, I partially agreed with the Bees saying you needed to be more understanding/sympathetic to the anxiety issue, but as I read further I began to see just how many times he had disappointed you and realised that he was definitely using anxiety as a crutch/excuse.

There is absolutely no excuse for stringing someone along like that and then ghosting. Unreal. Again, I’m so sorry he did that to you. You deserve better and I hope you find it. ((Hugs))

Post # 26
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

Yikes!  My partner and I have anxiety too and a lot of this sounds similar — I have been scared to commit, but finally got my anxiety under control and now feel ready.  We have also made moving in plans and canceled them.  Now he has said a proposal is coming but I would be crushed and feeling uncertain if it didn’t come for a year.  I did not see the ghosting breakup coming though!  That is incredibly immature.  It sounds like you may have dodged a bullet as he wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle the things that come at you.  I am around the same age and know it’s scary to have the biological clock ticking if you want kids, but have faith that you will find the right person for you.  Try to enjoy your single time while you have it and have fun with friends at the wedding.

Post # 27
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee

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libra930 :  So sorry this happened to you bee! 

My good friend had this almost exact thing happen to her 3 months ago. Her boyfriend of 3 years was supposed to propose any day now and then one day she texted him asking him if he wanted her to make dinner tonight. ( They lived together) and he said yes. Then he calls her 4 hours later, tells her its over and when he replied to her earlier text he was really on his way to the airport to fly to his parents state to be with them. He waited till she was out of their apartment the following weekend, snuck in there and moved all his stuff out and left the key. 

Here is what I told her and what you should know too. YOU DODGED A MASSIVE BULLET!! 

She wasn’t ready to hear that for a long time and only 3 months later is realizing that was true. The reason her and yourself dodged a bullet is because these guys have no coping skills to deal with stress in their lives. The stress built up and they had to escape and run away from the person they love to deal with it. That is not someone who is reliable bee. That person would not make a good partner in any way shape or form. Imagine if your kids got sick, or if you were injured, or if their parents died. Would he run away then too? You don’t realize how much stability is a necessary quality in a partner until they up and show you they are not stable at all. 

I am so sorry this happened to you but it is seriously the biggest blessing to you. It probably would have taken you so much longer to get him out of your life if he hadn’t done this. He has done you the favor of givng you more time to find someone else who is wonderful and can handle stress in a mature adult fashion. Keep your head up, know there is someone else waiting for you out there. All the stories from other Bee’s on here who found someone wonderful after a really crappy guy should give you all the encouragement you need. Hugs!! 

Post # 29
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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libra930 :  

I’m not a country music person, but, there is a Roy Clark song that puts it so well: “Thank God and Greyhound”; as in thank God and Greyhound you’re gone. Here are the lyrics, if anyone is curious. But, the title really says it all.

https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858909895/

Bee, I am terribly sorry for the pain you have suffered and continue to feel. But, I am absolutely delighted that mask finally slipped all the way off.

He was quite selective with his alleged “anxiety”. It only attacks when he is expected to move your relationship forward. He’d be more credible if he had the sense to show some anxiety on non-committment related occasions. Getting a haircut, for example.

Jerks like your ex who behave abominably and then try to blame their anxiety, or their depression, or any other condition, damage the credibility of people who truly do suffer from those disorders. If he has so damn much “anxiety”, he can go find himself a doctor.

I do empathize with you for having such a hard landing.  Somebody should have foamed the runway for you.

He’s been playing a-box-a-stick-and-a-piece-of-cheese with you for years. He is cruel, and it’s intentional behavior. I know lots of people with severe anxiety disorders, myself included. None of us are deliberately hurting people, especially the ones we claim to care about.

And, Bee. Please don’t wrap yourself around the axel of knowing why. No explanation he can give you will ever make sense. It doesn’t matter. He is severely deficient in the character department.  This is what they do.

Keep moving, Bee. One foot in front of the other.

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