- 5 years ago
I’ve about driven my girlfriends mad by talking about this every time I see them. So, it’s time to consult the WeddingBee community, which I honestly am kind of ashamed of for reasons I’m sure you can imagine.
I am 25, my boyfriend is 34. We have been together over 3 years, and it has been great. We moved in together after 6 months, and it was a breeze. Our dogs love each other, our families love each other, we’ve traveled the world together, things are GREAT. It’s ironic then, isn’t it, how the only real issue we ever have is the fact that we aren’t engaged yet.
I was 22 when we started dating, I’m aware that’s young. I run a business, and have really helped him start his business and get his finances in order to a level I won’t go into in this discussion. So, if you’re inclination is to say that I’m young, please stop right there. Trust me..25-34 age difference is irrelevant, I assure you.
We started talking about marriage early on. He’s in his 30s, he wants a family. He told me when we were together just a few months that he thought I was the woman he would marry. At this point I thought it would be one of those relationships where you’re engaged by 6 months. That didn’t happen. I was impatient and I knew it wasn’t fair to be.
We had several light conversations about it. I say “light” because I was insecure about bringing it up, and he was not too great at communicating. Since we’ve been together, our communication style has matured a lot and we can actually talk about these things now. But for a while, he was just “not ready,” and “it’ll happen when it happens,” and “you know I love you, you can’t rush these things,” typical. And during this time, he was going through some SERIOUS financial crap that we have since gotten straightened out, thank goodness. The financial crap was what he said was preventing him from being ready.
Once we really started understanding each others communication styles and I actually could have this conversation with him, we had a big, hard, long talk about it. And I learned something about him.. he’s pretty badly scarred by his family. Aren’t we all? But I can’t judge him for the way he deals with his crap. So, I’m continuing to be “patient” until he works through his crap. I say patient sarcastically because I’m the only one who really can view it as such.
Please don’t tell me to “Just talk to him about it!” because I have. One conversation went like this:
Me: Do you want to get married and have children?
Me: Do you want to marry ME and have children with ME?
Me: So what’s the holdup?
Him: I’m just not ready yet.
Another conversation we’ve had recently went like this:
Me: Babe, I really want to be married to you.
Him: I know, me too. I’m almost there.
Him: There’s no checklist.
Me: If there’s no checklist, how do you know you’re almost there?
Him: You don’t have to understand to have faith.
Anyway, I don’t really know what advise I’m looking for. I think I just need someone to tell me how not to lose faith. I guess what I’m hoping for is some advise on coping with this. On continuing to be patient, and on taking care of ME, and on being there for him while he works on getting through his stuff. Maybe advice on having conversations with him about what he’s going through, without making it about me. Maybe advice on understanding the MALE BRAIN!?? WHY ARE THEY SO DIFFICULT!?
One more thing I’d like to quickly add is that I have very inexpensive taste in rings. I have shared this with him. I also don’t want a wedding, I want to elope. So it’s not about wedding expenses. I also own a home already, so that’s not it. None of the traditional things are keeping us from getting married. Except maybe that I’m sometimes the breadwinner and maybe that bums him out.