(Closed) 3 Years and Waiting

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Obviously continuing to bring it up isn’t helping. I think you should just back off of the marriage talk and enjoy the relationship as is. 3 years isn’t a very long time.

Post # 3
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Enjoy what it is right now. Live in the moment and enjoy the relationship. You can’t get this time back, and it’s worth it, before life gets too complicated. Have faith that it’ll happen and don’t push. It’s not worth it. 3 years seems like forever, but it’s a solid good amount of time to really invest yourselves and make sure this is right. 

Fiance proposed after 4 years. It felt like foreverrrrr but it was right for us and for our relationship and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. You want him to be in the same place as you – otherwise it’s just always going to be difficult. Smart, intelligent guys take awhile sometimes, it’s not their fault, it’s just how they are hard wired!

Post # 4
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

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stillwaiting2016 :  if you have some timing that you won’t wait beyond, you can let him know. I’m sorry to say that it sounds like it maybe won’t happen for a couple more years or maybe not at all. I haven’t known or heard of too many men who aren’t quite “ready” when they have been w a person who they say is the right woman for a few years at age 34 who become ready and propose and get married to that woman w/I 2yrs of that. Whether waiting on him and hoping he is “ready” to propose and marry you in the next 2-3 more years is worth the risk that it might not work out at all is a call that only you can make.

Post # 5
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

My ex and I were together for two years. He did and said all of the things in your post when we got together, that how we would probably be one of those couples who got engaged before we lived together, engaged before six months, engaged before the end of the year. It really messed me around and hurt me more than I could ever convey, when nothing ever came to fruition. Due to a number of other issues, we broke up. Then he proposed. Without a ring and without any thought put in to it, and that broke my heart too. It didn’t work out. I am a firm believer in that if a guy wants to marry you – he will marry you. He won’t mess you around with words. 

In my now wonderful relationship, at about the 1 year mark, I sat my SO down and told him that it was really important to me to get married, build a life with someone, eventually have kids. But I don’t want to wait 7 years to get engaged. We talked about our timelines and came to a compromise. That if by the end of next year (2017) that he hasn’t proposed (which will be almost three years together) I will move out but we will continue our relationship. I know this sounds like an ultimatium but he wants to get married as well. I refuse to be a girlfriend masquerading as a wife until everything blows up and falls apart. I know that this wasn’t an ultimatim for him, because one day I came home crying as I had found out that my father cheated on my mother repeatedly when I was little. I said that I don’t think I want to get married anymore. He held me tight and said that we absolutely should get married and that he wants to marry me, and we will have a better relationship than my parents did. 

Moral of the story – you might need to have an honest timeline discussion with him. This is your life too, and you should be able to have a say in knowing what to expect in the years to come.

 

Post # 6
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

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stillwaiting2016 :  My SO & I have been together for 8+ years & I’m still waiting for a proposal. Other than not beinf engaged/married our relationship is great. We moved in together after 6 months and started the marriage talk almost immediately. We are an older couple…I am currently 36. We had discussed being married by the time I turned 30. We met 2 months shy of my 28th birthday. So as you can see I have been waiting for 6 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship & he has none, but plans to adopt my two. With that being said, I’d say give it time. To us women 3 years seems like forever, but to our SO’s it doesn’t! I’ll say a prayer for us both that it happens soon!

Post # 7
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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stillwaiting2016 :  <3 The less you talk about it, the more personally motivated he will become to engage to you. If you keep talking about it, it becomes a chore and he will put it off until he isn’t nagged. If you pretend you forgot about it, he will rush with an engagement ring thinking you no longer want to marry him. Focus on other things, this is a precious time that tests patience and personalities. Just breathe, focus on what makes you happy RIGHT NOW, and he we be on one knee before you know it..

congratulations in advance!

Post # 8
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You moved in with him after 6 months. You have a perfect relationship. Why WOULD he marry you? He’s got everything he wants without having to commit. It never ceases to amaze me when women live with a guy for 3 years, 5 years, 10 years … and the guy won’t commit. Like the old saying goes ‘why buy the cow when the milk is free?’  If you want him to commit, move out. Tell him you’ll only live with him as his wife. From there you’ll get your answer. It might save you years of being strung along by someone with no intention of ever getting married. 

Post # 9
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Oof, yeah. I could have written your post. I waited 10 years- but we just got married last weekend!

Post # 10
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

My SO was similar… I met him at 22 too and he was 29. By the time we’d been together 2-3 years we would discuss getting married and kids too but at the time he also told me he wasn’t ready. i have noticed a gradual change over the years and last year he started saying it would be ‘soon’ (after 5 yrs) and now we’ve discussed getting engaged by the end of 2016 (after 6 yrs together). Never thought I’d be able to wait so long but for me he was worth it.. If you feel like you can wait then do unless you have doubts he will go through with his word. Good luck!! 

Post # 11
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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mishybear :  Sorry but this is just so old-fashioned to me. I don’t know whether you’re implying men only get married for sex on tap, or a live-in maid? Not sure. I don’t think cows use forums anyway, to my knowledge.

I suppose I have the opposite POV. To me, it seems insane that you would promise your life to one another and make a serious legal commitment without having lived together for a considerable amount of time.

OP, if you really love this man, feel fortunate that you have that kind of connection in your life, even if you’re not married (yet). I know it gets frustrating waiting but what you have is much more than lots of people do.

Post # 12
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

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mishybear :  It is an old saying that needs to stay in the past. Neither men OR woman should be comparing women to cows. It is disgustingly misogynistic. Funny how we never hear someone say “why marry the bull when you get the semen for free”.

A mature, respectful, loving man will marry a woman whether or not he lives with her beforehand because he wants to be with HER as a human being and a life partner, not because he wants a maid or a living sex doll. Speaking as someone who lived with my husband after dating for 6 months, and was married 8-9 months after that, I would have no interest in being with a man whose motivation to marry was the carrot of living together or convenient sex.

OP: three years is not long especially at your age, but it is never too young to have honest conversations with your partner. It is not reasonable that he cannot tell you what he needs to be “ready” or gives vague answers. This is not a “male brain” thing, this is a “your partner” thing. It is okay to communicate you need something more clear than “have faith”. At the same time, enjoy this time. Three years is NOT a long time, and if you truly believe this is your life partner, well life has started. 

Post # 13
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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RayKay :  Exactly. The type of attitude being described is one where men see women as a commodity to be purchased through marriage. No thanks. OP, you sound mature and focused. Your BF is not ready. Fair enough. Your next step is to decide how to proceed in the relationship. There are no wrong answers as long as you are honest with yourself and with him. Are you willing to wait a year? 2 years? 5 years? Indefinitely? It’s OK to take charge of your life in any way that feels right to you and that includes deciding to stay in the relationship without marriage or having a hard deadline after which you will walk. Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

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stillwaiting2016 :  This happened to my brother… he dated a girl for 3 years before proposing, telling our family after 1 year he knew she was the one. He told us over and over again about how she was the one, how much he wanted to marry her, etc… but he just “was not ready”. We had the same reaction as you, how could he be so sure she was the one…. when he wasnt ready to be married?? I was extremely frustrated because I grew to love this girl like a sister. And she was begining to be extremely impatient as they were both in their 30s.

After one drunken conversation with him, I realized that marriage was not just a party and a piece of paper to him, but he truly believed you DO NOT get married until you are ready to start a family. UMMM WHAT?? I have no clue why he thought this… but that’s just how his male brain worked. In his mind, he was happy with their relationship, and wanted to spend more time “dating” and being together before they had children. He wanted to travel, fix up their house, basically all of the things I picture newlyweds doing. He was afraid marriage would change their relationship, and he liked things the way they were. He ended up going past her timeline and causing a huge fight, then had to rush to propose to her. I feel like he stole the magic from her by making her wait so long… but hey, they are happily married now. 

No idea if your guy feels this way, just thought I would share! 

Post # 15
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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stillwaiting2016 :  I wouldn’t be willing to brush off the “financial crap” so quickly.  Added to the fact that you said you are sometimes the breadwinner, it sounds like he is the type of guy that wants to be the provider and it’s a blow to his male psyche when he cannot be.  Not that I’m trying to make excuses for him, but I know quite a few guys like this, my boyfriend included.  It is an old fashioned concept in a way – expecting the man to be the provider – but a lot of men still hold that ideal and unfortunately their self esteem can be wrapped up in it.

You have accomplished a lot at your age, and maybe in a way that’s a bit intimidating to him too.  Maybe he has to be in a place where he feels completely confident in all aspects of his life.  I would think by age 34 he would be there, but maybe these financial set backs really set him back in more than one way.

A lot of men also just don’t want the relationship to change.  There’s too many sterotypes and myths out there about marriage.  At my previous job, I worked with a lot of guys and hearing how some of them talked about marriage, you would never get married!  If one of the guys announced they were engaged, all the married guys would say “don’t do it”!  I think too many people go into marriage not realizing that relationships take work.  We do also bring our baggage into play.  I understand if your boyfriend has seen a lot of divorce that he would be leary.  But he has to realize that those people are not him and you.  I had a similar problem when I first started dating my boyfriend.  I was cheated on by my ex so I was hyper sensitive to everything and it took me a while to realize that my boyfriend is not my ex, and just because something happened previously it does not automatically mean it will happen again.  Some people have an easier time working through those feelings than others so in that regard, you may just have to be more patient.

With saying all this, I’m not trying to say you should just wait forever.  Only you can decide that.  In starting another conversation, instead of bringing up marriage right away, bring up a shorter goal, like what are your goals the next year.  This is the approach one of my friends had to use with her now husband.  They had a house and they had dated for a while so she was starting to get anxious but every time she brought up marriage he would deflect the subject.  Looking back, he says he knew he wanted to marry her really early on, but to him talking about marriage felt like you had to get married *tomorrow*.  So they had a couple of talks and his stalling (for lack of a better term) was because he was trying to get his career and finances in track (which, again, to me is lame but that’s how he felt).  He didn’t realize until they actually did get engaged how it looked at from her side and he does feel bad about it.  He had so much tunnel vision that he didn’t realize how it affected her.

It’s perfectly fine to have your own goals as well.  You don’t have to give him an ultimatum but there’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.

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