(Closed) 3 Years and Waiting

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
RayKay :  Hey, maybe we can change the saying up a bit. Pigs and sausages? 😉

Post # 17
2748 posts
Sugar bee

Men really aren’t that complex,OP.  When he’s ready to get married, he will.  And not before.

Post # 18
914 posts
Busy bee

To be honest, if the age gap/maturity isn’t an issue, then him wanting to wait until he’s ready should be acceptable. Have a timeline conversation with him, and tell him what you need, but then you honestly just have to wait. If he’s your guy, you’ll be able to wait and trust that he’ll propose when the time is right. 

Post # 20
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

This sounds similar to DH and I. I was 20 and he was 29 when we met/started dating, moved in after 6 months, and he proposed to me after 4.5 years. We’ve been married for almost eight years now, and the longer we’re together, the more frankly we’ve communicated about all of the layers of issues he needed to resolve before proposing: 

+ His mom was divorced three times and his dad two times, so he wanted to be absolutely certain that he wouldn’t follow in his footsteps.

+ He has a background in Psychology and feels it’s “developmentally inappropriate” to marry before the age of 25, because that’s when puberty neurologically ends. 

+ My mom has NPD and he wanted to be absolutely sure that I didn’t have it too and was just hiding it really well.

+ He believes engagements should be no more than one year long. (With my friends, I noticed that people who are okay with long engagements tend to propose sooner). 

+ He wanted to get his ducks in a row financially so he could buy us really great “forever” rings that wouldn’t need upgrading. 

+ He also wanted to have a management job, be a homeowner and buy me a nice car since I was driving an old junker, but he realized that it simply wasn’t realistic and gave up on all of those things. Ironically, he achieved all of those goals seven years later, during my pregnancy! 

+ Re: the rings, he spent nine months obsessing over their every detail. Most of it was behind-the-scenes obsessing, too, so I really had no idea. 

+ He just overthinks everything in general. Like, just last week, I picked out the perfect low-flow shower head for our new bathroom in less than 5 minutes at Home Depot, but he needed to carefully look at every shower head on the sales floor, weighing the pros and cons/function versus aesthetics of each one, before deciding that, “Yes, honey, you picked the best one”! 

There could be many factors that are keeping your man from proposing. He could be an overthinker or a procrastinator. He could be working through family, personality, or other issues relating to where he thought he’d be in life before marriage. He could be one of those guys who thinks he needs to have a social media-worthy proposal and will spend a year+ coordinating that. 

Or, he might be lying and saying vague things because he loves you but doesn’t want to get married to you/anyone at all. I’ve seen that a lot on here. It’s hard to say for sure. 

What you can do is think hard about how long you’re willing to wait for a proposal. I told DH that I needed to be engaged before our 5th dating anniversary. I didn’t threaten to walk if it didn’t happen, but I quietly started making plans to leave him as the deadline approached (looking for apartments in my price range, etc.). Thankfully, he proposed four months before the deadline I had set. 


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