3 years, I'm past ready, he's not even close

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5877 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Is it “we want kids by 25-30” or you want kids then? Because he is telling you he feels too young to get married at 24 then I have to say I doubt he feels ready for kids. 

 Honestly, I think you’re rushing and stressing unnecessarily.  You’ve been “waiting” since you were 21 which is insane to me.  Why can’t you just continue to live you life without rushing into marriage?  He has told you he feels too young so I don’t know why you’ve even been “waiting” when he made it clear it wasn’t something he was interested in yet.  I think 24 for a guy is still very young and I didn’t know a single one ready to get married then.  You have two choices, wait with this guy until you’re older or find someone else. 

Post # 3
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

 

double post

Post # 4
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t think I had a single guy friend who was ready for marriage at age 24. Most of the ones I knew from high school who got married at that age got divorced later (like, well over half). It’s just pretty young, no matter what your dads seem to think.

You cant make him be on the same page as you. All you can do is try to figure out where he stands (and honestly, “I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be” is an answer to that) – and see if it aligns with your timeline. It may be that you’re incompatible on this front. 

Post # 5
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

October 22 2022 falls on a Saturday. Just sayin’.

Post # 6
Member
3010 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think you already know that you have two choices, wait until he is ready or leave him now and find someone else who is. We got engaged at 23 and married at 24, and myself and my husband were absolutely ready to commit at that age. But not everyone is. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are not on the same page and the waiting resentment might kill your relationship. 

Post # 7
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I know everyone’s experience is different, so this may not be true for you, but I changed so much from the time I was 21 till now (29). I was with my ex at the age of 21 and was in no way ready for marriage, even though I thought I was.

I’m not saying you aren’t ready to be engaged, but I’m just saying be conscious of why you feel such urgency at this age. If it’s just because you feel your bio clock is ticking, I personally can’t see the logic in that. You have so many years left until you need to worry about that. Aside from children, why do you want to get engaged at this point? I’m not being snarky, I’m genuinely asking. 

Your age, coupled with the fact that he has been upfront about not feeling ready, just makes me think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you push him into an engagement. Even if you really are ready, it’s plain he isn’t. Like PP said, maybe you two just don’t have compatible timelines. 

Post # 8
Member
3801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m sorry but time is not “creeping up” at 22/23 if you want kids before 30. There is still plenty of time for that. If he is telling you that he isn’t ready then he isn’t ready. Would you prefer he go ahead and propose just to shut you up because that is likely what will happen if you keep harping on your timeline. It’s fine to have a personal timeline, but you aren’t the only person in this relationship. You need to have a discussion with him and find out what HIS wants are before imposing your own on him. Once you understand his point of view, then you can start compromising on a timeline. If neither of you wants to budge though, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I see where you’d feel like time is creeping up, based on the timelines you’ve set for things. You want to be engaged for two years, so if he proposes now, you’d be married at 24, and then if you wait a couple years after marriage to start for kids, you’d be TTC at 26 (right in the midst of your 25-30 timeframe). So, I see that with the timelines you’ve set, you feel pressure to move to engagement now. I also understand that after 3 years, you’re ready for engagement (I would be too).

The thing is, these are all your timelines, and they’re not your boyfriend’s timelines. He never had to wait or work for anything, as you admit he moved in the first night when you were only 19! He’s had an instant live in girlfriend. I think that often delays proposal timelines, the waiting board seems to confirm that thought. He’s got what he wants now, what need does he have for the next step? And as he’s not ready for marriage right now, there’s no way he’s even thinking about or considering children.

You have to decide what’s more important. Continuing to be with your boyfriend or getting engaged and married by a certain age. If you stay with your boyfriend, expect that he won’t propose for another 3 years or so, if that.

Post # 10
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

At 22 you have plenty of time. If you were 32, I’d be singing a different tune saying he either needs to get on the same page or you need to move on… but 22 is so, so young.

You have all the time in the world to get engaged, get married and have kids well before you’re 30. Don’t push it or rush it at this point – it’s not worth straining what seems to be a very healthy and happy relationship otherwise. Tell him you would like to be engaged in the next couple of years and leave it at that. 

Post # 13
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
sugarsweetmagnolia :  Reading your updates, I think you’ve handled this right. You’ve given him time, and you’ve brought up that you’d like a timeline, and now you’ve given him time to consider that request. You also seem fine with waiting longer, but you want to know how much longer it might be. I hope that he’s able to give you a better fleshed out timeline on Monday, but I’d also be concerned that he spouts off a number just to answer you, even though he’s not actually set on that. I don’t know your SO, and just going by your OP, it’s hard to tell if he’s stringing you along, and if he is, if he’s doing it on purpose. Like you say in your reply, he could have said those things, thinking they were true, and then realized he wasn’t ready when the time came.

Post # 14
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

It takes 4 months to build a house.  As someone who is divorced from young marriage with kids, you have nothing to lose by waiting a while.  30 seems old when you’re 22.  You’ll be an entirely different person by then.  What matters more than ticking off all these engagement, marriage, house, baby dreams is that you do it with the right person at the right time.  The one will be ready when you are.  Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. 

Post # 15
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“His only reasoning was that he feels like we are too young to get married.”

I know you don’t feel this way, but this is an absolutely valid reason not to get married. I happen to agree with him. I think you are way rushing things here.

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors