Post # 1
I want to start with the fact that I am completley happy in my relationship, and while we’ve had our normal hiccups over the years we’ve always had a solid relationship and are always growing closer. I am 22yo and he is coming up on 24 in December. So yes, we are young. We met at work (we no longer work together) and he moved in with me basically the first night he ever came over, we were pretty much inseperable right from the start. We have both openly discussed that we want to marry and have children ect, and have had a couple of talks about it. But here is where I’m feeling frustrated;
I have ben “waiting” for the past year thinking it might be coming soon, simply because it felt right and knowing that he did plan to marry me. But last night we had a talk because our 3 year mark is coming up in Oct and no sign or hint of any plans (he doesn’t know my ring size.. I don’t even know it). To say I was slightly devestated by the way things went would be accurate. Like I said we’ve had a few of these talks before and he knows how important it is to me. But this time I asked for a timeframe, maybe just a season of a certain year it would happen by, and he wouldn’t say anything except that “a marriage is in our future”.
His parents waited 7 years to be engaged, that makes me queasy just thinking about it! We want kids between 25-30, and we would like to start building our new house before that but I want to be married or at least engaged before we start the house. So, at 22/23, time is creeping up. He knows I want a 1-2 year engagment to plan things out. We set the “date” of October 22nd, as we want to keep our dating aniversary the same, but I have no idea what year will be at the end of that..
I asked him to think on it this week, so that he could give me a time frame, and we would revisit the idea next monday. I just hope that he can do so, because I really feel I’m not going to get a better answer. He is NOT a planner, and isn’t good with suprises at all. His only reasoning was that he feels like we are too young to get married. My worry is that I will resent him if I have to wait that long, as I am already upset and feeling down because of it. Everyone is always asking when we will get married, his father calls me his future daughter in law all the time, even my dad asked when I’ll be getting a ring (My dad LOVES him, and he doesn’t like anybody, LOL). So its building up a lot of stress and frustration that I don’t know how to get rid of. I am more on the traditional side although we live together and will not put his name on something like a house (our current house/land is mine) or have children before I am married.
Post # 2
Is it “we want kids by 25-30” or you want kids then? Because he is telling you he feels too young to get married at 24 then I have to say I doubt he feels ready for kids.
Honestly, I think you’re rushing and stressing unnecessarily. You’ve been “waiting” since you were 21 which is insane to me. Why can’t you just continue to live you life without rushing into marriage? He has told you he feels too young so I don’t know why you’ve even been “waiting” when he made it clear it wasn’t something he was interested in yet. I think 24 for a guy is still very young and I didn’t know a single one ready to get married then. You have two choices, wait with this guy until you’re older or find someone else.
Post # 4
I don’t think I had a single guy friend who was ready for marriage at age 24. Most of the ones I knew from high school who got married at that age got divorced later (like, well over half). It’s just pretty young, no matter what your dads seem to think.
You cant make him be on the same page as you. All you can do is try to figure out where he stands (and honestly, “I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be” is an answer to that) – and see if it aligns with your timeline. It may be that you’re incompatible on this front.
Post # 5
October 22 2022 falls on a Saturday. Just sayin’.
Post # 6
I think you already know that you have two choices, wait until he is ready or leave him now and find someone else who is. We got engaged at 23 and married at 24, and myself and my husband were absolutely ready to commit at that age. But not everyone is. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are not on the same page and the waiting resentment might kill your relationship.
Post # 7
I know everyone’s experience is different, so this may not be true for you, but I changed so much from the time I was 21 till now (29). I was with my ex at the age of 21 and was in no way ready for marriage, even though I thought I was.
I’m not saying you aren’t ready to be engaged, but I’m just saying be conscious of why you feel such urgency at this age. If it’s just because you feel your bio clock is ticking, I personally can’t see the logic in that. You have so many years left until you need to worry about that. Aside from children, why do you want to get engaged at this point? I’m not being snarky, I’m genuinely asking.
Your age, coupled with the fact that he has been upfront about not feeling ready, just makes me think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you push him into an engagement. Even if you really are ready, it’s plain he isn’t. Like PP said, maybe you two just don’t have compatible timelines.
Post # 8
I’m sorry but time is not “creeping up” at 22/23 if you want kids before 30. There is still plenty of time for that. If he is telling you that he isn’t ready then he isn’t ready. Would you prefer he go ahead and propose just to shut you up because that is likely what will happen if you keep harping on your timeline. It’s fine to have a personal timeline, but you aren’t the only person in this relationship. You need to have a discussion with him and find out what HIS wants are before imposing your own on him. Once you understand his point of view, then you can start compromising on a timeline. If neither of you wants to budge though, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Post # 9
I see where you’d feel like time is creeping up, based on the timelines you’ve set for things. You want to be engaged for two years, so if he proposes now, you’d be married at 24, and then if you wait a couple years after marriage to start for kids, you’d be TTC at 26 (right in the midst of your 25-30 timeframe). So, I see that with the timelines you’ve set, you feel pressure to move to engagement now. I also understand that after 3 years, you’re ready for engagement (I would be too).
The thing is, these are all your timelines, and they’re not your boyfriend’s timelines. He never had to wait or work for anything, as you admit he moved in the first night when you were only 19! He’s had an instant live in girlfriend. I think that often delays proposal timelines, the waiting board seems to confirm that thought. He’s got what he wants now, what need does he have for the next step? And as he’s not ready for marriage right now, there’s no way he’s even thinking about or considering children.
You have to decide what’s more important. Continuing to be with your boyfriend or getting engaged and married by a certain age. If you stay with your boyfriend, expect that he won’t propose for another 3 years or so, if that.
Post # 10
At 22 you have plenty of time. If you were 32, I’d be singing a different tune saying he either needs to get on the same page or you need to move on… but 22 is so, so young.
You have all the time in the world to get engaged, get married and have kids well before you’re 30. Don’t push it or rush it at this point – it’s not worth straining what seems to be a very healthy and happy relationship otherwise. Tell him you would like to be engaged in the next couple of years and leave it at that.
Post # 11
zzar45 & FutureMrsBex: Yes, he wants kids between 25-30, leaning more towards the 30 side but that is fine. Why I feel time is ‘creeping up’ is because house building takes a LOT of time. I don’t care if it is completley finished, but I want it up and livable before we have kids. And yes, he has stated that he is ready for a new house very soon. We have had the discussions, and he isn’t giving me any ideas of when.
futurerosiehanson: Of course the typical, I’m scared if we wait that long, and he still isn’t ready… thats a lot of time wasted. I am VERY firm with the idea that if I don’t have kids by 30, I don’t want them. I’m happy with or without them, but I would like to have one or two and i know he also 100% wants them.
Now, I don’t want to get engaged/married only for this reason. I truly feel he’s the ‘one’. I am not someone that is scared to be alone. But I also do not think its fair for me to sit waiting, wondering if it will be 6 more years before this happens. Even if he doesn’t know exactly when it will happen, I feel that I deserve some sort of timeline right?
And more than anything this was a vent post.. I know I do have two choices, leave or stay. But if it was as easy as just relaxing and enjoying our time together… I wouldn’t be here. I’ve been on and off pushing these thoughts away the past year and need to figure something out. Hence why we had a discussion and I gave him a week to think things over before we talk about it again.
Post # 12
Yes! Thats the thing, he agreed with me on those timelines, but my mistake was assuming he would propose before all this knowing the timelines we talked about. So he either just lied, or he thought he would be ready by then and isn’t. Which is fine, but now he needs to tell me so if thats the case. I’m tired of guessing and hoping. And yes, he moved in right away. This was partly because I needed help with bills, his parents were moving to florida so he was going to have to move out anyways, BUT it came down to we just got along so well that it worked out. If that hadn’t been the case it wouldn’t have happened. He’s always been a hard worker and helped with everything. We are polar opposites on all fronts, but have always been willing to compromise on everything. And this is the sticky point.
Post # 13
Reading your updates, I think you’ve handled this right. You’ve given him time, and you’ve brought up that you’d like a timeline, and now you’ve given him time to consider that request. You also seem fine with waiting longer, but you want to know how much longer it might be. I hope that he’s able to give you a better fleshed out timeline on Monday, but I’d also be concerned that he spouts off a number just to answer you, even though he’s not actually set on that. I don’t know your SO, and just going by your OP, it’s hard to tell if he’s stringing you along, and if he is, if he’s doing it on purpose. Like you say in your reply, he could have said those things, thinking they were true, and then realized he wasn’t ready when the time came.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
It takes 4 months to build a house. As someone who is divorced from young marriage with kids, you have nothing to lose by waiting a while. 30 seems old when you’re 22. You’ll be an entirely different person by then. What matters more than ticking off all these engagement, marriage, house, baby dreams is that you do it with the right person at the right time. The one will be ready when you are. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right.
Post # 15
“His only reasoning was that he feels like we are too young to get married.”
I know you don’t feel this way, but this is an absolutely valid reason not to get married. I happen to agree with him. I think you are way rushing things here.