3 years, I'm past ready, he's not even close

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

What area of the country are you in? I grew up in the Midwest, so I understand the crazy pressure to be popping out your third kid by the time you’re 30. Maybe that’s some of what you’re feeling?

You sound very eager to tick all the big life events off your list. But I wonder if you’ve considered just enjoying your 20s? Maybe make some plans to travel, think about whether grad school is something you ever want to do, move somewhere you’re interested in living and just see how it goes. That kind of freedom at that point in your life is so glorious. I’m old and settled down with my man and my dog and my baby now, and I love every second of it. But man did I have fun in my 20s. Seriously, you’ll never get this time back, and there’s more time than you think for building houses and making babies. If I were you, I’d work on ticking off some life events you won’t be able to do once you’re all settled down with a family. 

Post # 17
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  I assume you started dating your boyfriend at 19?

I started dating my husband at 19 too.  We just got married a few months ago on our 7 year dating anniversary, and I am 26.  I too want to build a house in the next 24 months and start trying for children before 30, and we have plenty of time still.

Most of my other friends who got into serious relationships at 19 split up.  You change a LOT in your 20’s, so I think your boyfriend’s concerns of being too young to enter marriage are valid. 

I agree with a PP, 30 sounds old when you are 22, but it really isn’t.  

You are honestly rushing for no good reason. Relax, there is heaps of time.  

 

Post # 18
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

Do OT have a baby thinking he will  change his mind. He won’t a and will probably eset yu.   had my had my son @ 32 and it was the perfect age for me.

I spent my20s in NYC and had a ball. I had tno interest in becoming a mother until I met the father of my son,

Post # 19
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  I don’t care how long you have been dating. You are too young. Period. Relax, enjoy the relationship and worry about it when you hit 26. Seriously. 

Post # 20
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

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youngbrokebride :  “Most of my other friends who got into serious relationships at 19 split up.  You change a LOT in your 20’s, so I think your boyfriend’s concerns of being too young to enter marriage are valid. “

Yep. Almost all of our friends were in serious relationships at 19-22. If they had all gotten married, they would all be in unhappy marriages or divorced now. Not saying it won’t work out – my husband and I met at 18 – but we grew together whereas most of our friends grew apart as they figured out who they really were and what they wanted out of life.

If your boyfriend isn’t ready now, give him some time. Make sure you make decisions for the right reasons and not because you’ve put some timeline on when things should be happening.

Post # 21
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

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sharkey38 :  4 months???  In what universe can you build a house in 4 months?  It took 17 months from groundbreaking to move in and it’s still not done.  I’ve been living in the house we built for 3 years now and am still not able to use my master shower.  I don’t think 4 months is a realistic timeframe.

OP, I don’t blame you.  I’d be waiting for ring also.  I was 22 when my husband and I got engaged and 23 when we got married.  However, we didn’t live together, so maybe that made a difference.  I think after men move in they think they can wait for marriage.  They’ve got everything they need already.

Post # 22
Member
1588 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

 

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PaperQueen :  probably it varies depending on where you live, but when I was working with a builder it was 4 months from groundbreaking to completion.   If you’re being your own general contractor or doing work yourself, it would of course be longer. 

 

Post # 23
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

I Just turned 26. Not engaged or married. I’ve been with my bf for nearly 6 years (next month actually). I was in no way ready to get married at your age. When I was 21, I was far from thinking about marriage. I’ve also known I’ve wanted to get married, but it’s only been the last 5 or so months that I’ve actually though, yeah ok. I think I’m ready. But I’m in no rush. My partner is 28. We both want marriage and kids. I’m still in law school (have a year left) and he wants to be married in the next 2 years so it’s coming, it’s just a matter of when. Relax, enjoy your youth and relationship. You partner will smell the desperation a mile away

Post # 24
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

Another bee chiming in. 

I’m in my late 20s, been with my SO for 7 years. Honestly, when we were in our early 20s, that was the most tumultous time. We were both getting pulled in all sorts of directions, grad school? Med school? Do we travel? Do we want to spend the rest of our lives in this one city? We, as a couple, had some of our worst fights during that age…a combination of school, life, work really kicking off and us trying to work out what we wanted individually and how the other person fits in with our plans. Early 20s also tend to be the worst for fights because neither of us had the communication skillset developed that we have now, “talking things out” led to arguments and resentment and insecurity about each other’s timelines and plans.

Your 20s are the best times of your life and also the most difficult, there are so many options open to you that will slowly start to close off as you edge into your 30s. Take every opportunity that comes – travel, see the world, think about more schooling, pick up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try (I regret not being more serious about rock climbing and hiking because urgh, everything hurts now). Can a marriage survive if both marry young, yes. Is it likely? Eh…from my own circle of friends, it’s been quite the 50/50 split of people still together 5 years in or divorced within 18 months of marriage. 

Figure out what you want in life first, outside of the relationship and go out and chase those dreams first. Figure out your career, work a few years…be a fully funtioning stable adult before you start thinking of kids and such. And you want kids before 30, you have EIGHT years. EIGHT. How is that “creeping up” on you? And yes, most guys aren’t ready to marry that young and people are allowed to change their timelines. It’s not just YOUR relationship or YOUR marriage or YOUR kids. He needs to want those things in that timeline too. Sit down, talk to him…just talk without the whole “give me a dateline” mentality. You’re way too young for “shit or get off the pot” talks. 

Edit: We worked with a builder, basically selected one of their pre-designed floor plans and bought the land then watched the house get built…took about 6 months between them digging out the basement and moving in.

Post # 26
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

sugarsweetmagnolia :  But it IS what I’m ready for, personally.

 

OK, but he’s telling you that he is not ready. And I honestly think pressuring him – even by repeating how ready you are, the timeline for your plans, etc – to get married sooner than he’s ready is a mistake. 

I know you’ve heard a lot of stories, but here’s mine. I was madly in love with my first boyfriend in my early twenties. He told me he felt the same way, wanted to marry me, HE even set out the timelines. Well, when we were coming up on those timelines and he told me he wanted to wait (for normal reasons… he wanted to get out of debt, save more, be prepared for us to actually live on our own and be ready to build a life together)  I lost it. I told him I didn’t understand and hounded him about it incessantly. I told him if he wasnt ready to propose then we might as well break up. CRINGE. He ended up proposing to accommodate me within that time frame and then *surprise, surprise* it didn’t work out. He wasn’t ready. 

I think it’s fair to ask him what he has in mind for a time frame and then see how you can compromise. If you feel that you can’t, maybe this just isn’t the relationship for you.

Post # 27
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  that’s great you have it all figured out, but are these all the things your boyfriend wants and is ready for too? To settle down where you are and do all those things you said? Or is he still finding himself and itching to see the world? Does he worry that he’ll regret choosing this path so early (marriage, children, settling down where you are) if he chose right now? If I was him and any less certain to take this path than you are, I would worry about having regrets. Early to mid 20s is a time of freedom, with infinite possibilities, and some people might still want those options and want to figure out what they really want rather than deciding now.

Post # 28
Member
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If you’re sure about what you want and you’re sure that you want it with him and you are still well within a comfortable margin of when…then you have nothing to lose by giving this a bit more time. 

Post # 30
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee

It’s great that you know what you want in life and have a plan to make it happen. Your boyfriend has told you he isn’t ready for what you want. You are either going to have to wait until he is ready, accept that he may never be, or find someone else that has the same timeline as you.

 

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