(Closed) 3 years, I'm past ready, he's not even close

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
10190 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  

Bee, are you aware that your brain is not even fully developed before the age of 25?  Hence, all of the postings about Bees going through major changes around your age.

Another problem you have is your ages at the time you came together and the way you came together. The first date that never ended.  Cute, but it doesn’t suggest much in the way of planning, negotiating, and all of the tedious stuff that goes into adult relationships.

As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I would be remiss not to point out that it’s common for guys your bf’s age to feel the need to go out and sow at least a few wild oats before he settles down.

You feel ready.  Your bf is not.  In this case, I’m on his side, he’s making good sense.

What is the rush?  You say you’re in a good, happy relationship. Will that change if you don’t get married right away?

The one thing you do need from your bf is a clearer timeline.  You can ask him for that.  Let him know how important that is to you.  Once there is a number on the table, you have a point of negotiation for down the road.

Post # 32
Member
824 posts
Busy bee

I think you are fine to know what you want out of life. You are not too young to know that you want to settle down and have a family and tend to your horse and your crops. I think that’s fine! The problem is that your boyfriend might be realizing that he doesn’t want the same things as you. I think you should get a timeline from him about what he wants. If the timeline doesn’t work fir you, you might be better off finding a guy who wants what you want. Maybe there’s a guy a little older out there (late 20s or 30) who wants to settle down like you do. Because if your boyfriend isn’t on the same page as you, then you put yourself at his mercy for dictating how you life is gonna go. And even though he is young at 24 I don’t see why he can’t make a commitment after 3 years. Plenty of people are ready to get married by that age. But he just isn’t there yet .

Post # 34
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  it’s great that you had your life planned out when you were little, and the missing piece was the huaband. If someone layed all that on me when I was in my early 20s, I would not be ready either, which is what he’s telling you. He could agree to it, but essentially it’s not anything legal/real. Then what?

Perhaps he wants to move to a different city, live abroad, travel…. Maybe you do too.

 

Post # 35
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

I think many of you are not being fair to OP. She is living with her partner and has significantly invested in this relationship- it is completely reasonable for her to expect her partner to be able to articulate a timeframe within which he would like to get married, build a house, and have kids. He has told her himself that he wants these things. She is not demanding a ring tomorrow, she is simply trying to establish a timeframe for when the things they have both told each other that they want will happen. This should be a mutual conversation, and I can understand why OP is frustrated that her boyfriend is not giving her clearer guidelines. 

Also, it always annoys me to no end when people criticize young people who are in serious relationships for supposedly missing out on so many things in their 20s- travel! build your career! go to grad school! Go party! Etc. Having a committed partner/spouse prevents you from doing NONE of these things! At least in my experience (as a 24 year old woman living with her boyfriend of over 6 years with multiple pets including a dog), my relationship with my partner has often enhanced my ability to do these things. When we want to travel, we book tickets, hire people to take care of our animals, and then go have fun exploring together. We have travelled to many foreign countries- seeing the world with someone you love is fun! When we want to go out and party with friends, we do that, either together or independently. He has a fantastic job and I am in a PhD progam, which are both extremely demanding of our time and energy. It is lovely to have someone to always come home to at the end of the day and help keep me motivated in my career. And two incomes helps with all aspects of life, let’s be real! 

One last thing: @sassy411 : “Another problem you have is your ages at the time you came together and the way you came together. The first date that never ended.  Cute, but it doesn’t suggest much in the way of planning, negotiating, and all of the tedious stuff that goes into adult relationships.”

There is no need for that level of condescension. Have you read OP’s posts? Just the fact that OP and her partner are living together, with all of the tedious negotiating and planning that sharing one’s life with another person entails, demonstrates that your critique is not valid. Beyond that, OP and her partner have land and livestock together- including horses! Do you have any idea how much work those animals are? OP is not a naive child- she and her partner are adults with adult lives and there is no need to make snide comments about her brain development, self-awareness, etc. You can articulate your point about 22 being too young (in your opinion) to get married without making unsubstantiated and incredibly rude comments. Speaking of horses- get off your high one! 

Post # 36
Hostess
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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youngbrokebride :  Very true, and I have a similar story (dating at 18, engaged at 26, married at 27).  We just bought a house and are talking kids in a year or two.  I know that 26/27 sounds really far away when you’re 22, but it really isn’t.  If your boyfriend is the one, I would slow down and enjoy the great relationship you have.  There will be plenty of time to get married and have children before you turn 30, but it’s not worth ruining the relationship you have now by trying to force your boyfriend to be ready super young. 

ETA: I’m certainly not saying that you can’t enjoy your 20s while being in a relationship.  I had a great time in my 20s!  D.H. and I both made lots of time for our friends, went to grad school, and took trips (together and individually).  We both really just enjoyed our relationship and got married when we both felt ready.  I did have a brief “omggg must get married!” moment when I was about your age, but after having an honest talk with D.H., we both decided to wait until we were a bit older.  I spent that time enjoying our relationship and have no regrets!

Post # 37
Member
10190 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  

I don’t think you’re going to feel any sense of resolution on this until you two negotiate a timeline. Keep talking about it.  If you marry, you will have many, many convos about your relationship goals. They won’t always be comfortable. Might as well get some practice in.

Right now, you’re at an impasse. If the best timeline he can give you is too far away for you, then you have to decide what to do next. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.  You can ask him what would need to happen to make him feel ready.

Post # 39
Member
2918 posts
Sugar bee

I think a lot of PP have given very valid advice and given you a lot to think about.

I do really believe for big life events like engagement and marriage, there sometimes has to be compromise. Not every couple is ready for the same things at the same time. And that’s fine. It’s when one or both parties aren’t willing to talk things out that there’s an issue.

Honestly, I agree with your boyfriend that you guys are very young. There are plenty of people that get married young and are happy, but overall I think most people wait a little longer. I was 25 when I got married but my husband is 5 years older so I think that’s why. But they have done studies that men typically don’t consider marriage until 27 years of age. (Obviously that’s not every man).

If I were in your shoes, I would want to have a sit down with your boyfriend to see how long he would want to wait to get married. Let’s say he says he’d want to wait until he’s 28. Then you can explain that you’d want to be engaged by the time he’s 26/27. Or if the timeline he gives is too long from now, explain how much sooner you’d want to get engaged and married.

After going over exact times and your timelines I think it will be easier to understand he’s reasoning. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to have a timeline that is 100% up to one person. It needs to be talked about and agreed upon.

Also to note, I think a lot of men don’t actually realize how long an engagement is so they don’t propose because they aren’t necessarily ready to get married. When in reality, they would probably be waiting at least a year before walking down the aisle.

Post # 40
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hi! I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to be in a rush yet to still stick with your timeline. I’m also from the Midwest and have been with my husband since I was 17. I got engaged at 24, married at 26, house at 27, baby #1 at 28, and baby #2 is due in a few months. I’m 30 now. Nothing felt rushed. So what I’m saying is, even if you don’t get engaged for 2 more years, you can still very easily do everything that you want! And if you give him a little more time to feel ready, I guarantee the whole process will be more fun for both of you. I can think of few things worse than being in the midst of a major life event and realizing that the person you’re sharing it with is panicked and miserable instead of being happy and celebrating with you. ESPECIALLY when it comes to babies. Only you can really know what’s best for you, but the same goes for your boyfriend. Only he can know what’s best for him, and maybe being married isn’t what’s best for him right at this second, but it will be in the future. If you’re really worried that your life plans don’t match up, then it’s okay to decide to move on, but I think you’ll be happy if you wait for him a little while longer!

Post # 41
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I got advice from the bees here that was helpful in addressing my husband (in your case your boyfriend) changing his mind.  My husband agreed to start TTC this year but when the agreed upon time came around he didn’t feel as ready as he thought and changed his mind.  He didn’t tell me at first and I was hurt and an argument ensued because of that.  After we talked he expressed he still wants a baby but wants to wait another year.  I say all this to say that your boyfriend may have said he wants marriage and children with you but he doesn’t know exactly when yet. Sometimes we can’t give a specific timeline because we don’t know how we will feel at X time when it finally comes up. What if some big life event happens and he decides he doesn’t want to be with you anymore? People can change their minds and until they are 100% decided on what they want it’s hard to say. You are young and I’m not far off I’m 26 almost 27 and totally fine waiting another year to have a baby. It’s not old just like PPs said. It feels really old when you’re 22 but it’s not. I’m not saying your boyfriend shouldn’t give you a rough timeline but he might say he’ll be ready in 2 years and then when 2 years gets here he realizes he’s not because he is still fairly young. I’ve gone through two posts here on the bee with my husband changing his mind on something once it actually came up and the bees gave good advice helping me see that you just haveto work around the kinks and compromise. You have to decide if you will be willing to accept the fact that he may say one thing because he’s still really young and then change his mind later when reality sets in. You’re definitely not on the same page so that’s what matters more here than age. 

Post # 42
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  Ah yes, some bees always go off on how you’re too young for marriage under the age of 25. It can be quite frustrating to not have your feelings or relationship taken seriously because of age, especially when you know that if you were 27 and expressing the same timeline concerns, they would react quite differently.

As a psychology minor, it’s more and more evident that the brain changes throughout life. Growth and change doesn’t just stop at 25. 40 year olds can confirm they weren’t the same person they were at 35, as can 70 years olds who used to be 65. Change is a part of life, regardless of the age factor, and getting married at 30 doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage without divorce. 

Some of us know what we want when we are young, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t let people push you around with judgement just because they think your boyfriend may want to “sow his wild oats” some more. Does that happen sometimes? Yes, but it is applied more as a stereotype of young men than anything else. Frankly, I think it’s a disservice to them. Assuming they won’t stay faithful, or setting the expectation they need to sleep around before finding “the one”, makes them feel they must do it in order to live their life “right”. My husband has only ever been with me, and has no desire to play the field because he already has what he wants. It doesn’t make him any less of a man, just like how his age doesn’t dictate how faithful he will be.

OP, I’m glad that you’re going to have another talk on Monday. Hopefully you can compromise on a timeline together and set goals for the future. You deserve to know that the relationship is heading where you want it to, and that you’re not wasting your time.

Heck, I started timeline talks at the age of 17, two months into dating my then boyfriend. It was less of a “when do you want to marry me” and more of a “when do you see yourself getting married (in general), do you want kids, if so how many” type conversation to be sure that we had compatible future visions for our lives. We did, and had many more time line talks from then on. Many of which ended up moving upward due to extraneous circumstances, we got engaged and legally married at 21, are having a big wedding at 23, and plan to have our first child around 28 (after 11 years together!).

We still have timeline talks every month or so about big goals in life, such as when to start looking at buying our first house, and when to start TTC. Many of those things are still far off, but it keeps us on the same page, and as the planner I am, keeps me content and secure with our future.

 

I wish you the best OP and look forward to your update on Monday! 

Post # 43
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee

I think that like any other waiting bee on here you’re going to have to either sort out a timeline you can both agree on, or set a walk date. The one major difference that your young age makes is that at only 24 he’s statistically less likely to be able to give you what you want.

You’re not any more obligated to wait any longer than someone in their late 20s, but he’s also not any more obligated to get married before he’s ready. 

Post # 44
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

 

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meelya9 :  I’ll admit that I usually have a knee jerk reaction of, nooooo!!!! You’re way too young, whenever anyone under 30 posts about wanting to get married. I have to remind myself that that’s my own bias because I got married later in life.  (A lot later) 

OP,  the majority of people aren’t ready to be married in their early 20s.  You very well may be ready (I’m not going to assume that you’re not just because of your age)but your boyfriend is telling you that he’s not.  Which is completely natural at his age.  You’re the outlier here. You need to decide if you can wait around a few years and see where your relationship takes you.  I also wouldn’t assume that he’s lied to you these last few years just because he doesn’t know what he wants right now.  As someone else mentioned, you change a lot in your 20s.  He very well could have started out wanting to settle down with you in one place and now has decided he wants to travel around.  He does need to be upfront with you though if his feelings have changed and he no longer wants the same things you want. 

Post # 45
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of commitment, fear of a lifetime, fear it’s not gonna work, fear about finances, fear about children, fear about taking that huge step toward family of his own, fear of it being too soon, fear of something that happened in the past, fear of the future, fear of parents approval, fear of differences, there are alot of things men fear, and forever is one of them. Can he really do this forever, is his question. Put yourself in his shoes, and ask that question. Do you think you’ve been someone he can spend forever with, or is it too soon to Tell? Some men get nervous more than women do. You need to just ask him. Be honest.

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