(Closed) 3 years no ring – I'm moving away for school and I'm nervous

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Could he want to finish school before he proposes? Maybe he wants to show he can be a good provider before getting married. 

You have your life to live. Everything will play out once you move. If he’s not into you, the relationship will fall apart once you have moved away for your doctoral training. As long as he knows your expectations, the ball is in his court. 

Post # 4
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

athenalex:  your feelings are definitely justified. you’re at a cross roads in life–moving forward with your schooling so it makes sense your relationship moves forward also with it.

your guy kind of sounded like my dh. my dh was the same–he knew engagement and marriage would happen eventually but never seemed to be a concrete kind of guy, while i was more like you and had a plan and a timeline because i didn’t want to waste time. i was somewhat similar to you too, as i had moved away for an internship. (plus i was in a city with a lot of singles!)

i never gave him an ultimatum, but i did have an honest conversation and say it wasn’t fair for him to basically hold me back from meeting new people in my internship city. he didn’t propose right away, but i think that gave him some thought because i basically said i wasn’t going to wait around for him. so that gave him more initiative to act on it.

if i (or you) had told the guy we’d wait happily, then sure no rush. guys would still take their sweet time because they know you’re wrapped around their finger. it wasn’t until i had the confidence to say that i would like to move on if nothing was going to happen, that it snapped some initiative in him. he thought i wasn’t going anywhere, wasn’t meeting anyone when we were dating, but being put in a new city changed things. i was meeting tons of people.

i actually asked dh if when we got married (this past spring), if that was his timeline or not. he said he could have waited another year or two to get married if i didn’t have a preference(seriously, what’s up with guys!?) but he knew i wanted to get married sooner so he was happy with that. 

so my advice–do your own thing–confidently. if he wants you, he will make sure to keep you, move to be with you, and propose to you. there is the chance he may not…but look on the bright side…you’ll be in a new city with new people. you can’t go wrong either way. best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

happybunny177:  I love that advice. Do your own thing, and if he wants you, he will make sure to keep you. The only thing I could add is let your Boyfriend or Best Friend know what “your own thing” is: in your case, OP, that means being clear with your Boyfriend or Best Friend that if you guys aren’t married by next year, you’re moving on your own. I know a lot of bees here see this kind of thing as an ultimatum, but in my mind, ultimatums are something you give to manipulate someone into giving you your way. Isnt it also possible to just know what you want and what you need to be happy, and want to be open and honest with your SO so that he has a chance to give it to you before you just move on and look for it elsewhere?

Post # 6
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Tell him that since you’re moving so far away and the relationship is not moving forward that you questioning the commitment you have  to each other and if you even want to be in a long distance relationship  or move to a new town with someone you’re not married to… say it just like that.   At 32 you don’t have much time to waste if you want kids. You should settle this concretely before you leave for graduate school, if not before. Either you get a proposal or move. There will be lots of new people to meet in your new town and at your new school. I know that sounds harsh but  and you’ve only been together for 3 years, which really isn’t that long but you you can’t pitty pat with him.

Post # 7
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

athenalex:  

“I want to be asked to be married by someone eager to marry me.”

Well that ship has already sailed, as he did not propose at 1.5 years like he originally planned. You might be able to get a marriage out of him, but it won’t be one he’s going into “eagerly”. Not all the women on this board have that as a priority. There’s plenty of women on here who have no problem urging their SOs along and basically leading their SOs to a proposal on a leash.  So you will get plenty of advise here on “timeline talks” and telling you to wait, do the work for him with choosing the ring, etc etc.

However, no amount of timeline talks or waiting will result in a man being eager to marry you, only a man who is willing. It’s up to you if you are okay with that or not.

If you want a husband who was eager to marry you and snap you up, it’s not going to be this man. However, if he is a good man and it’s a healthy relationship, it may not be a bad idea to “settle” for willingness. Realistically, not everyone gets that relationship where the timing aligns perfectly and it’s a great match and the man is delighted to propose after a year or so, can’t believe he actually snagged his dream girl etc etc. Some relationships really are just good enough and after a while a man thinks after a few years, “Yea okay, we could get married and have a life together, this could work… I might be able to be happier with someone else but maybe not so I will propose”.

There’s nothing wrong with that, I don’t know if you can prove that one way results in happier marriages than the other. I’m sure a percentage of the “dream” relationships really do work out to the maximum happiness possible, but likely a good amount dwindle down with unmet expectations and dissapointment. Probably the lower-expectations “good enough” marriages are more stable.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  lkknight.
Post # 8
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Stop waiting. Propose !

Post # 10
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

When I got engaged, I remember distinctly sharing it with a bunch of older people I know… And every single one of them (men and women) said that the woman had basically laid down an ultimatum that it was time for them to get engaged. There were three of them in the room… With 120-130 years of combined marriage experience to that first partner. Don’t feel like he doesn’t love you if it takes him a while to propose, or a bit of nudging. I think you should probably talk to him about when, exactly, you want to have the ceremony (since he is planning to move with you in about January 2017). Show him some planning guidelines so he has an idea of the time the two of you need.  

What you should really do, though, is focus on living your life and studying for that Ph.D.

Post # 11
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

athenalex:  I would let him know because men are not mind reader, especially if yours is similar type as @happybunny177

Post # 13
Hostess
9632 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

athenalex:  You can’t expect him to read your mind and then be disappointed if Sep 9th comes and goes with no proposal. If this is the man you want to marry, communicate with him! Tell him what is important to you. Your post was well thought out, and you seem capable of articulating how you’re feeling. Now go and tell him! 

Post # 15
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

athenalex:  Bravo on your new life! No ring on finger, you must not linger. Enjoy your PhD. A man with a plan will find you and will propose before you know it.

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