- 1 year ago
- Wedding: September 2019
Everything has already been said. It’s time to go.
Everything has already been said. It’s time to go.
You sound like a loving, giving person. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
But I agree with the rest. You don’t “win” becoming a wife for your sacrifices. You become someone’s wife because you’re both ready and dedicated. And unfortunately right now, you’re on two totally different timelines. I don’t blame him for waiting to jump into another marriage when the divorce went down as it did. I also don’t blame you for wanting to move forward.
Without knowing how much you’ve discussed the topic from an ‘ultimatum’ standpoing, I’d at least sit him down and say “This is what I need. If this doesn’t align with your needs, then the best thing for us is to split up.” Give him one last shot, if you haven’t communicated that this is a dealbreaker to him before.
Bee, youve made some really bad choices here. Your intentions sound very good but you have given too much of yourself and your child to this man who could never give you what you wanted. He had piles of red flags that you ignored despite seeing them clear as day.
I hope you leave and I hope you take some time alone to learn from this.
I agree with you that an ultimatum is not the way to go. This guy is a user. He should not be expecting you to drive his kids to school and stay with them when they’re sick. And if he’s so damn damaged by the divorce that he can’t see himself getting married again then I really side eye him moving another woman in so soon after his intitial seperation and letting her play his stand in co-parent. He wants it both ways and you are giving it to him readily. Get some self respect and move out.
And as a parent, you must be very, very conscious of how you are prioritizing your daughter. If it was one time that she was late to school, fine, no big deal. If you regularly sacrifice her comfort and convenience to play super mom to your boyfriend’s kids, that is a big screaming problem.
time to move on
Dating married men is generally a bad idea. Also stop putting his kids above yours- he’s not going to wife you up. A man who is freshly divorced generally isn’t jonesing for a fast second marriage. Try dating a single and available guy next time.
You come off sounding like the stereotypical martyr-victim.
You martyred yourself to a man going through a divorce.
You martyr yourself and your daughter to him and his children’s needs.
And you think you’re entitled to or owed a proposal and marriage in return?
That’s not how life is supposed to work. It’s not healthy to subsume your own, and your children’s, needs to others to “prove” how much you love them.
From where I stand, it sounds like you and your SO were artificially united against a third party you both disliked. Fighting a 3rd party always brings two people closer together. Because those two people don’t need to look at their actual compatibility. They just have to agree in disliking the 3rd person.
Now that 3rd person is out of the picture, and the two people are left without that uniting factor. And they are perhaps realizing they are not as compatible as they once thought.
Stop being a martyr-victim.
Take charge of your own, and your child’s, life. Leave this guy and start over on healthier footing with one who actually values you and your time. Check for compatibility early on. Resist the urge to martyr yourself. Resist the urge to build a relationship on the shaky foudnation of shared dislike of a 3rd person.
lovelyrose13 : OK so this 2020 timeline…. that is less than a year and a half away. Which is probably around the average time that people are engaged for/time it takes to a plan a wedding.
if you brought that up to him and said “hey since we are going to get married in 2020, I’d like to get a jump on planning and coming up with a budget for the wedding” what do you think his reaction would be?
If you think it would be negative or he would start stalling in anyway, you clearly have your answer here. I think he is very comfortable and you are both traumatized from the divorce. He is in NO rush to go through that again.
I think you have to sit him down for one last talk because clearly your plans don’t align. He is fine staying un-married and he is fine not having any more kids. But you are NOT fine, so something has to change.
There is nothing wrong with giving yourself to someone and their kids, but you need to make sure that you don’t give your whole self to someone who doesn’t do the same.
Update. I left him. I just could not take it anymore. About the same week that I wrote this post we were about to move houses, I told him that without a ring my daughter and I would not be moving with hm. Enough is enough.
On october 22nd it was my birthday and guess what I got?? A RING!!! yes. but it wasn’t an engagement ring… hear me out…
So after our conversation of me telling him that my daughter and I would not be moving in with him without a ring he really changed for the better, so I thought. He told me that he had asked his mother for a ring and that everything would be fine. I was really really happy and all of my resentment, anger, distancing went away. I was on cloud 9 guys because FINALLY he was taking steps towards marriage. Our relationship was amazing, I was SO in love and happy all of the time. Every day I woke up with the feeling of “yes, I am finally becoming a wife!!!” I was really feeling like a supermom, super girlfriend and giving it to him every night.
A week before my birthday he told me he had an appointment at his mothers house, I knew what he was talking about. He was finally picking my heirloom engagement ring!!!
The morning of my birthday he gave me a gift, I was really excited because he gives the best gifts. I opened it and it was the ring… in a box. Ok this is weird, in my head I was thinking “this isn’t how I want to be proposed to” he just gave me the box and said happy birthday. I was REALLY REALLY confused. I asked him “what is this? what does it mean?” he said, ” a ring” I proceded with “Is this an engagement ring, what is this?” he then told me “No its a piece of jewelry, but you can see it as an engagement ring if you want to” I WAS LIVID, SHOCKED, SURPRISED, HURT, EVERYTHING.
I said “thank you” and he left for work. After he left I took a shower and cried for hours on end in the shower. Later that day when he came home from work I expressed how disapointed I was because I was hoping that he was going to propose to me. He literally said the words “No”, and that I have to wait between now and two years.
Two days after my birthday I was like ok, let me ask him again ONE last time. I asked him about having kids and marriage and he just wasn’t interested in the conversation and made it seem like I was nagging. That is when I told him that my daughter and I would be leaving in the morning. He didn’t even stop us.
I am traumatized from it all. I can see now that he was NEVER planning a future with me but he just wanted a nanny. cleaner, cook and sex slave everynight. I am disgusted with myself, disapointed in how I could have been so blind… I am embarrassed that I almost begged a man to marry me when in reality I am the prize.
I am obviously still healing so please be kind to me, I just need to know that I have support as I embark on this new journey together with my daughter.
You absolutely made the right decision! You are worth so much more and setting a great example for your daughter about self-worth.
lovelyrose13 : do not beat yourself up, bee; rather, be proud that you finally ended things with a man who did not respect you enough to make you his wife, but was simply comfortable using you. I know you’re hurting, but you did the right thing. Now you’re free to find a man who will truly be EXCITED to commit to you. I hope your heart heals soon. Best wishes, bee.
so happy for you and your daughter bee. you deserve way more than that!
lovelyrose13 : Bee, I know it hurts right now, but you did the right thing by yourself and your child. Well done for standing up for yourself, it’s never too late.
Give yourself a bit of time to grieve the relationship, and then I suggest some counselling before thinking about dating. Some of your wording around relationships sounds very subservient and as another bee said, martyr like. It would be beneficial to you to explore this and break the pattern before you start dating again.
A very lucky escape for you and your daughter. He’s sounds not only like a serious user, but also mean.