(Closed) 3 years?!

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

It’s an excuse! My SO gave me the same song and dance. If you’re not ready to walk down the isle when you propose you have no business proposing. Like the book “He’s just not that into you” says in the marriage chapter, he’s still not sure you’re the one. Men put things off as long as possible in order to avoid.  My SO said to me “I don’t want to give you the ring because then you’ll want to plan the wedding” Well Doy!!!!!!!! Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Tread with caution,he should want to scoop you up and take you off the market if you really mean that much to him.  If he doesn’t, he’s not worth it,what gives them the right to do that to us woman?? Makes me mad! Maybe we should continue auditioning for the lucky part of their wives since we have nothing better to do with our time!

Post # 20
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

That does seem valid, but not really.  Why would that stop you supporting his mother? Families support each other!  I’m sure you wouldn’t leave his mum out in the cold.  And what’s with this “if we love each other in 2 years” bullshit?

You’re a nicer woman than I am.  I’d be giving the ring back and telling him to keep it until he’s actually sure he wants to marry you.  At the moment it doesn’t look that way ๐Ÿ™

I think you should just go ahead and plan the wedding you want.  Start looking at dresses.  Create a scrapbook or ideas board.  Subscribe to a magazine.  Get it all out in the open that you’re into this.  He’s proposed – what does he expect?  If he takes issue with you getting all your ideas together and asking his opinion then you need to sit him down and maybe think about giving back the ring.

Huge red flags sweets.  Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

Post # 21
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

Hi OP!  Did he propose to you of his own volition and present the ring and all that jazz or did you guys talk about it and agree to be engaged?  Also, did you give any ultimatums or something that you wanted to be married?  I’m just wondering these things to help figure him out ๐Ÿ™‚

It seems to me that he isn’t ready to marry at all or be engaged.  Proposing should be done after he knows that you are ‘the one’ or that he loves you so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  To me, this sounds like he is trying to tell you what you want to hear without actually committing to anything at all.  It’s one thing to have two people get engaged and agree on a long engagement for various valid reasons but its another to say ‘yeah, lets get married in three years because I’m not even sure if I’ll still even love you or we’ll still be together by then’.  That isn’t a proposal or an engagement – that’s just a relationship progression.  I never, ever say this but I think this does qualify as the red flag you mentioned. ๐Ÿ™

Post # 22
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Why the heck did he propose now if he’s not ready and not sure he will still love you in 2-3 years.  Marriage is/should be for life not a multiple time deal.  I’m sorry, your young and you have plenty of time to find a man that will be mature enough to KNOW that he would want to be married to you and KNOW he will love you in 2-3-20 years down the road.  Drop his butt and move on!  That’s a HUGE Red Flag.  I’m sure you love him and want to be with him, but if he’s not sure then why put yourself thru all that only to potentially get have problems later down the road meaning a divorce.  Now is the time to step back and REALLY evaluate the relationship and make sure this is the guy you want to marry!  I hope I didn’t offend you.

Post # 23
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

There should be no reason that a man would propose and still put off an engagment for years to come unless it’s a mutual agreement between both people. You have to go by his actions not his words. I understand how painful this is for you. I’m going through exactly the same thing as we speak! He gives me tid bits whenever the subject comes around just to keep me hooked. That only lasts for so long though before you start to realize he really just isn’t feeling the whole wedding commitment thing which in turn causes resentment and trust issues on our part. Well I don’t know bout you,but I’m at the end of my rope! I’ve realized I do deserve the whole package and why shouldn’t I have it? You are worth so much more than what he’s offering. Don’t sell yourself short! It’s harder to go through all this pain and stay than it is to actually move on and find someone who is on the same page. I want the man I’m gonna marry to be bursting at the seams can’t wait to marry me,isn’t that the way it should be?

Post # 24
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

You ladies- DO deserve the package deal- do not settle for less. I would always go by a man actions instead of his words- so OP, I would hand the ring back and pretend he doesn’t exist for a while. If he can’t figure out whether or not he will love you in 2-3 years from now- then what is the point of giving yoiu the ring now.

I think he is using the ring as a deposit on you until he figures out whether or not he really wants to be with you and that is NOT something you deserve.

Post # 25
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow… Talk about a red flag! How could he propose to you and then say “we have to wait and see if we still love each other 2 years down the road”? I realize I’m really just repeating everything you’ve already read but this is serious. A man shouldn’t propose unless he can see himself marrying you right then and there. A man proposes because he wants to marry you! You poor thing… You probably thought all of your dreams were finally coming true then he drops this bomb on you! I say tell him about all of your concerns and tell him how he is being perceived. If that changes nothing then I think some things need to be reevaluated!

Post # 26
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Agreed! A man should propose/marry you because he KNOWS he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Not “we’ll see in two years how I feel” crap. You deserve someone that is 100% sure you;re the woman for him, for the rest of his life. And this shouldn’t be scary to him.

I had a friend recently get engaged after years of dating. They couldn’t agree on a wedding date, he wanted to wait 2 years she only wanted to wait 1. They couldn’t agree on anything which sparked many other arguments, and the engagement was called off. They are no longer together, sad and scary but you have to make sure the proposal is genuine. In his case it wasn;t bc there were underlying reasons why he wanted to wait so long to actually get married.

Best of luck to you sweetheart! I’m also playing the waiting game, but waiting to get engaged. marriage will come SOON after! Laughing

Post # 29
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OH NO GIRL….don’t you dare start thinking like that!!! It’s all him…and don’t let him play mind games either.  I’ve been thru that and it’s torture.  It took me a bit to get thru my man but I did…he is still suffering after loosing his dad.  He needs counseling and you are just fine!  I said it before I’ll say it again…your young honey DON’T SETTLE!!!!!

Post # 30
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

@FutureMrsPride:  How long were you guys dating before he proposed?  Is it possible that he was experiencing all the highs and newness of the dating-honeymoon stage of the relationship when he put the ring on your finger?  What’s his relationship history like?  Divorced?  Recently out of a long-term relationship?  Like you said, he was all gung ho and then after he put the ring on your finger, he pulled in the reigns. 

Post # 31
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think men and women are so very, very different. Like you say, he’s thinking about a new TV whilst you’re thinking about saving for the wedding. It sounds like he’s slightly paniced himself after proposing (presumably he made the decision to propose because he was sure it was right, but is now having a wobble about it). Also, he has a plan in his head about the next 3 years (sorting out his mother, etc).

My OH is a bit like this – we definitely work on his timescale. Our engagement will be almost 2 years, and that’s mostly because that’s when he has decided that we’ll get married. It was a bit of a surprise when he first mentioned it, but actually makes a lot of sense and gives us plenty of time to plan (and hopefully buy a house).

I’m not saying you should just accept it, but continue to talk to him and find out if it is just him being a bit jittery, or if there are more serious problems. I hope there aren’t.

RainStorm. x

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