(Closed) 30+ ladies help!!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sorry you are going through this.  This may not be the popular response but I wouldn’t pressure him.  I understand you have a timeline in mind due to biology but you don’t want to push him to make a commitment he’s not ready for.  I was 32 when we got engaged we had been together over 4 years.  I had one serious conversation with then Boyfriend or Best Friend that if children were in our future he needed to be aware that my age was a factor. I explained the biology of it then I dropped it. 

You want him to marry you because he wants to not because he feels he needs to.  Besides, you never know, he may be planning something Wink Just when I got over the whole proposal coming, he popped the question and totally surprised me.  I didn’t even know he had started shopping for a ring much less purchased one.  He too told me repeatedly to stop trying to plan and have him nail down a timeline, etc.   You never know.  Hang in there.

Post # 4
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You sound just like me when I was 33 (I am 35 now) and your SO response was exactly like my ex. I was with him for close to 2 years and it was only in the end that he finally admitted to me that he has committment issues and would only marry me out of obligation after maybe 5 to 10 years of dating.

It was for the better. About 3 months later of breaking up with my ex, I met the love of my life and we got engaged 7 months from when we first met and we are getting married next weekend!

It is all about timing. I do not know how long you have been with your SO, if your SO has a stable career but I would highly encourage to talk with him seriously in a calm way.

 

Post # 5
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you need to have an honest talk with him. My SO is younger than I am, and I am about to turn 32. He asked me when I’d be comfortable having children, and I told him that I really need to be TTC by 34/35, for myself. When we had that discussion, things just naturally turned towards how long we’d want to be married before TTC or if we wanted to start right away, and that was how we settled on our plan.

My SO brought it up himself, but I think that it would be easier for you to talk about life goals together with him rather than engagement or even marriage. Where does he see himself (and you) in 2 years, 5 years, etc) – does he want children, etc. Once you get that nailed down, just talk backwards from that.

Having the talk that way (without mentioning engagment) might be calmer. If he hesitates, just stay calm and say that these things are important to you, for your life goals, and you need to know if he is on the same page as you are.

For what it is worth though, you can meet someone in your 30s… I did!

Post # 8
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Garden outside our church

I’m with you–I’ll be 34 next month, will start residency next June, and we’re not really allowed any real maternity leave. I can’t deny that there are days that I get really angry that I’ve spent 7 years waiting, all while he just harkens back to “when we met, you didn’t want children”. Yeah, I was 26 then!!! Also, he has to get his vasectomy reversed, which is only successful half the time, and it takes several months for things to make their way through.

That said, I can’t imagine life without my dearest–he’s the reason I want children, not the other way around. I keep reminding myself that that’s the alternative, which is not at all desirable for me.

I guess I should just be satisfied with my furchildren–and I should probably work on being a much better aunt if I want anyone to take care of me in my old age!

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear, and not very uplifting…but misery loves company, right?

Post # 10
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blueberries123:  Then you certainly need to sit him down and explain a few things…like how our bodies change as we get older!!!!  My guy is 31 (I am 30…well 31 in two weeks Cry), and took his sweet time to propose.  I think guys don’t understand the anxiety that women feel once they’re in their thirties.  

Post # 13
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blueberries123:  I think you should work on getting him to talk to you.  My fiance is not very emotional at all…but I feel that he and I can have a discussion about anything.  What happens if you say, “Honey, I am getting anxious about getting married because I want to have healthy children.  What do you think?”  Maybe just open it up and allow him to talk…and if he says nothing (literally) say, “When you say nothing, it makes me think that you do not want to be with me.  Is that true?”  and be prepared to hear the answer…

Post # 14
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I might come at it from the opposite direction….. HIS.

Get him to open up to you…. does HE want kids?  When?  How many?  How far apart?  What does he see his role as father, in terms of involvement and activity?  What does he see his life like in the future?  What does he want to accomplish before he “settles down”?  What does “settling down” mean to him?

Then….. walk him backwards so he can see what actions he needs to take NOW in order to achieve HIS VERY OWN TIMELINE.  For example…. if he says in the next 10 years he wants 2 kids, a couple years apart, a couple years after he gets married…… well, walk him through the math….. if he proposed today and it took you a year to plan the wedding that’s married in summer 2013.  Then you’re married a couple years before you TTC – that’s 2015.  Then you spend an avg of a year TTC 2016 you get pregnant and deliver in spring 2017.  Then you wait a couple years to get pregnant again and it’s 2019, so you deliver in 2020.  So – he can do all that in the next 10 years, and he would have 2 more years before he would be in a *rush*. 

Also walk him through that he needs to factor in… that is having babies after 40.  walk him through the risks / timelines / extra stuff that happens then.  Does he want to do that?  Does he really want to wait that long?

 And if he says he wants to do all that in the next 5 years….. he’ll find that he better hurry!!!!

 

Right now you’re trying to get HIM to fit into YOUR timeline.

Instead you need to be figuring out if YOU fit into HIS lifeplan.  He isn’t calling it a timeline, because it makes him feel pressured.  But he has one – you just have to find his vocabulary and find out what his dreams and goals for the future are.

 In this way YOU have the control.  It’s not…. when will HE do what I want?  It’s do I want to do what he wants?  Then you have the power and control to decide if this is the right relationship for you…. instead of pestering him until he caves.  That is the wrong mindset for you to have…. it gives him control and leaves you frustrated.

So if he gives the above example….. does that fit into YOUR timeline?  10 years (or whatever)….. If yes, then you wait,  Patiently.  If not, then you know you have decisions to make.

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@blueberries123:  Here is an excerpt of the talk I had with my ex in the end. I was a weddingbee member through the bad and ugly to the good when my fiance proposed and soon to be my husband next weekend. I recorded everything and maybe it will help you in your relationship. Keep in mind that all relationships are different. I do not know your specifics but maybe this will help you.

 

” I said to him in a gentle way (I am very proud of that fact):

1)      I know who I am and I know what I want for my life. I want marriage and I will NEVER change my mind about this. This is a definitely non-negotiable point. If you do not want marriage you need to be honest and fair to yourself and me and let me go so I can search for someone who wants the same thing as I.

2)      It is not that I do not love but you have to decide what kind of life you want to live and I also have to decide what kind of life I want to live. If we have opposite opinions, there is no point to keep going.

3)      Please give me the courtesy of not giving me half truths and false hopes  and say things like the following:

a. I am not ready now but you never know what the future might hold for us.

b. I need something more definite that I can hold on. It still keeps me in limbo and I do not want to live like that.

 

 

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