(Closed) 30 something days till the wedding and having second thoughts

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@butterball: After marriage it can STILL be about you!

You can’t spend every waking moment together (or even every evening). Keeping your own self intact will help foster a strong relationship and marriage.

I know I’m not married yet, but I’ve been living with Fiance for over 3 years. Our roughest time was when I depended on him for everything. We fought all the time because we had no lives outside of each other.

When we went back to spending some of our nights doing our own things (with friends, fostering our hobbies, going to the gym, etc) our relationship improved drastically. We are our own people and being together will not change that. We will always have each other’s constant support and companionship, but that shouldn’t hold us back from our other life and career goals.

Post # 4
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think that those thoughts come and go.

Allow yourself to feel that way! If you fight it you’ll be left with doubt and “what ifs” and thats not healthy.

Post # 5
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Nobody can tell you what to do, but know that it is not too late to step back if you’re afraid this may be a mistake. Always follow your heart and your gut, and you will have no regrets.

Post # 6
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Nobody can tell you what to do, but know that it is not too late to step back if you’re afraid this may be a mistake. Always follow your heart and your gut, and you will have no regrets.

Post # 7
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@butterball: I am not judging you and I doubt anyone else is. Dont you worry about that. Darling Husband and I argued more before the wedding too. Forget about the single vs marreid thing for a minute. is the man you are thinking of marrying the love of your life. would you be happier with out him?

Somtimes being single seems so happy and fun but it can also be very lonely…especially the older you get…..(due to friends being married)

No one can tell you what to do but follow your gut girl!

Post # 9
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@butterball: My question to you then becomes why does getting your PhD/getting your life back on track and marrying your Fiance have to be mutually exclusive?

Allowing yourself to feel what you feel isn’t wrong and if those two things ARE mutually exclusive then maybe some of your second thoughts are really worth giving merit to.

Sometimes it helps to talk these things out, do you have a really trusted confidant or maybe even a therapist you could talk out all your feelings with?

Post # 10
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@butterball: As I’m sure you’ve heard before, it’s so common to have second thoughts.  You just need to take some time to yourself to think about what is most important to you.

My Fiance and I lived together while I was finishing my master’s degree.  He’s currently enrolled in school and won’t be finished for another few years.  Which is why we’re holding off on having kids until we get to that point.  For me, when I was in school, it was SUCH a relief to have him.  Yes I was stressed and yes we fought because we didn’t get enough time together.  But even on the nights when I was workding on my thesis until 2am at the library, it was still such a comfort to come home and crawl in bed next to him.  I have been living with the ‘we’ mentality for a long time, but do not feel as though I have lost any part of who I am.

I think it’s completely possible to accomplish all of your education and career successes while also married, IF he is a support to you, as any good partner should be.  Does he support your self goals?  Are you willing to give up on some of those goals to have a life with him?  Those are the types of questions you should be asking yourself.

 

Post # 11
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@butterball: I see…but what makes you think you need to wait to get your phd to get married? why cant you be married and do that?

Post # 11
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@butterball: I see…but what makes you think you need to wait to get married because you want to get your phd? why cant you be married and do that?

Post # 12
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Buterball!  Please give us an update…how are you feeling?  The same?  Better?

 

Post # 13
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@butterball: I hope things are going better for you! Let us know please.

Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’ve been married before and I can tell you it’s certainly “work” but you know, having someone you love as a partner to share in your life is a wonderful thing.  Things to ask yourself: How long have you known one another, is it really love or is it new love/lust.  Can you picture yourself growing old with this person?  Is giving up some of your free time worth having this person next to you when you go to sleep and night and when you wake up in the morning?   Is this person someone you can trust and someone who trusts you?  Does this person treat you with respect (if he’s ever laid a hand on you, kick him to the curb)?  Is this the person you’d like to build a life with?  Yes, marriage means compromise, but it does not mean you have  to lose who you are or stop doing the things you love to do.  You SHOULD have time to yourself.  You SHOULD be able to go out and shop.  You SHOULD be able to decorate your home (keeping in mind that this may include input from your spouse as it is his space too).  Remember, furniture, pillows, wall color, it’s all just THINGS.  Don’t let your sense of self get wrapped up in things… You sound like a pretty indpendant person, so you know, put your foot down and make some ground rules.  HE has to learn to compromise right along with you.  When it comes to decorating, pick the rooms that are most important to you, then tell him what rooms he can decorate (within reason – you’ll both need to come to agreements).   Pick and choose your battles wisely.  I have a feeling you’re just experiencing cold feet as it were.  You already said yes to ths man, so reflect on that, why did you say yes?  If you love him, and as I said, if you are kind to one another and can see spending the rest of your life with him, the compromises should be worht it. If you find that they’re not, maybe he’s not the right guy???  🙂

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