- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
So, I am turning 30 this weekend. A co-worker told me not to freak out over it because it is not a big deal. She said many people freak out and it is unnecessary. She told me this 20 minutes after I started randomly crying about it. I was crying because I thought about the past decade, which were full of negatives (there were many positives, but boy do the negatives stand out). I also thought about my goals. I had a number of goals that I planned to reach when I was 30, and some big ones did not happen. Mmm… If I am honest with myself, I feel a bit like a failure. I will give you a few examples.
One MAJOR goal that I wanted to accomplish was finishing my education. I began my college journey years ago. I was terrified of debt, so I went into the military. During this time, I ended up getting married and pregnant. The marriage ended shortly thereafter. I left the military and moved with my baby. I did not have to do this, except I felt unsafe (ex is violent and a moron) and I wanted to be closer to loved ones. I struggled to get back on my feet for a time. At the same time, I do not regret this because I was able to spend time with my dad, who passed about 2 years later. Still, this delayed college for some time. I got a certification in the meantime, so I could find work, which I did. This job was time consuming and stressful, so when I began school again I had to stop. I barely passed one class, and it was not worth the risk. School was again delayed, until I found another job. This job was even worse! Finally, I found another job that was part-time and much less stress. I have been is school since then, even through a layoff and my current job. I hope and pray to be done next year.
I wish I had been done a decade ago, but I am STILL not. I have been taking classes part-time in an effort to focus on them, while working, taking care of my child, etc… Another goal was to own a home. This is farther off than school. I actually have my name on someone else’s house (because I was stupid enough to try and help someone else reach their dreams). My name is still on it, even though each year I am told that this person will remove my name (has been 7 freaking years). In some ways, I think that it has helped my credit. But I want my name back, and I am worried that this will hinder me from buying a house in the next 5-7 years. Fiance has student loan debt (I want to pay mine off in full next year and the sum is small enough that it is possible) he will be done paying off his car next year as well. I REFUSE to have another child (another goal within the next 5 years max) without a house and my career where I need it to be. I do not want to struggle again; it is not fair to us or the children.
If you are still with me, bless your heart! Here are the postitives. I have an amazing son, who was well worth the nightmare relationship I went through. He is so handsome, funny, smart, and sweet. He always tells me that I am beautiful and the best mom. I try not to compare, but I do realize that there are many people who would be overjoyed with being a parent to a well-behaved and quirky kid who is healthy. Next, I am getting married to the most phenomenal man that I have ever known. For example, the other day we were texting about my bday. I joked about being an old woman, and he said he wants to grow old with me and only me. Then, when I came home tonight, he mentioned my birthday and could tell that I was down (I don’t want to talk to him about what I have been thinking). When I come out of the shower. He tells me that I look like a model from this magazine he often buys (he says things like this pretty often) and hugs me. While we are hugging he says tha we are so lucky. We have met our goal of meeting our soulmate in our 20s. He says there are so many people who have not met this person yet. He says that he is so proud of me for working hard and staying in school and reminds me that I am almost done with that. Then he says the only thing that we need to work on is our finances. I told him that will take a long time, and he says it will not. I did not speak a word about what was on my mind!!!
Speaking of finances, I am taking a personal finance course for my degree. It is wonderful, but it makes me question a lot. I have saved up money to purchase cars (to replace a car that died) and I wonder if I should have bought something cheaper and saved more of the money. Between the wedding and vehicles, I could have had $20,000 saved by now. I can name the things that I have purchased, and it was not squandered, but I worry that these were the wrong decisions sometimes. I do not want to make these mistakes in my 30s, I want to learn from them and move forward. Sigh… I wonder why I feel this way suffenly. I think that getting older is a blessing in many ways. I am not upset at getting older, but I think about things that I regret. I also do not compare myself to people, like my friend’s sister. She is 26, married, and just finished her master degree. She had parents that paid for her education and helped to push her towards her goals. My mother only held me back and did not prepare me for life, she sheltered me from it. So it would be silly to compare, but I wish that I was there…
So, to the point. Is there any advice that folks can give me to reach my goals within the next 5-7 years? Did I make the right decision working part-time instead of full time (I am losing out on money that I could be earning now, but using that time on school)? Am I going to regret moving from one job to another when I am finished school and looking for something with a better salary? Am I being unrealisitic in my goals? How do I shake off these feelings so that I don’t feel this way again, if I am blessed to become 35 and 40? Please, don’t throw me on a fire and roast me, I don’t really get why I suddenly feel this way. Thanks so much for any input that you can give me!