31 & every convo about marriage fails miserably, help!

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 46
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Don’t hang onto a mistake just because you spent 9 years making it. You’re only 31. You can find a guy who takes care of your dogs and your house, who loves you and is loyal to you, and WANTS to marry you. You can learn to change your own tires 🙂

The fact that you have already given him an ultimatum and not walked says a lot about the situation. He has NO reason to change things. He’s getting everything he wants and you admit that he’s shown you by his words and actions that he doesn’t want to get married. If it helps to have more conversations about it with him, by all means try, but I honestly don’t see anything changing. I’m sorry. 

Post # 47
7264 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This is so sad bee. 

-You aren’t getting your $15k ring. 

-You aren’t getting any ring. 

-He doesn’t want to marry you. 

Time to move on.

Post # 48
11222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

echomomm :  

It won’t be another nine years. This will play out just as these things typically do.

As bf finally begins to mature, he will wake up one morning and be struck by the revelation:  Hey, I need to get married now!

And bf will proceed to do exactly that. He will dump OP when she becomes too much of an impediment to his search. He’s on the hunt for his Dream Girl. Don’t worry, he’ll find her.

We women tend to look at these things only from our perspective and we project love and interest that our partners just may not feel. We know the relationship is important to us. It may just be one thing on his agenda, along with football and getting even with his coworker.

Men will often hang out in a relationship in which 80% of their needs are getting met. He knows she’s not The One. But, when it comes to romance, guys can be pretty darn lazy.  He will bide his time with his long term gf until he feels ready for marriage. Sooner, if he feels that his current partner is making too much of a ruckus.  He doesn’t want tears, histrionics, or heavy convos. He wants a place to park his penis.

Once he has his Great Awakening, he’s going to find the woman who is 100% of what he needs.

This is why it is so common to see men who wouldn’t commit getting married within a few months of the breakup with the  long term gf.

OP absolutely, positively does not want to hear anything based in external reality. That’s unfortunate, because she’s setting herself up for a very painful blindside.

Post # 49
17 posts

Let me start by saying I understand how you feel, I really do. I was with a man for over 5 years, not on and off. We were together throughout that whole time. He was my first crush, first boyfriend, and first love.

Was he a good boyfriend? Yes. He called me every day, texted me good morning daily when we were not living together, took care of all bills when I was broke, took off work and spent days taking care of me when I broke my leg, spent 2 days driving me to an out-of-state interview when my car was broke, bought me a puppy, supported me to go back for my masters etc… Did he love me? Yes, I never doubted that. Was he loyal and supportive? Always.

The only problem was that he did not want to marry me. As a matter of fact he does not want to get married, ever. He made it very clear. He told me early on but I was too young to see that as a problem. When I realized it was a problem, I was already four years into the relationship. We had countless arguments and he kindof agreed we should get married. In his own words, “I suppose that is the most logical thing to do.” I was all excited and I thought he was going to propose on our 5 year anniversary. I was ecstatic when he produced a jewelry box that evening. When I opened it, I saw a ruby NECKLACE, not a ring. I froze for what felt like a century and my tears started pouring down my face uncontrollably. That was the moment I realized I couldn’t change his mind over something so fundamental to life. He wanted no commitment, and I wanted commitment. There is no middle ground. I broke it off with him 2 days later and moved out. That freaked him out obviously. Five months later, he invited me over to his 4th of July family party and he hinted that it would be “the start of our life together.” His sister told me he bought a ring. But by then, I already moved on and I was dating someone else. I did not want someone who “kindof” wants to marry me, I want someone who is sure he wants me as his wife. I was 28 then.

Fastforward 2 years, I am now in a committed relationship with an amazing man. We have the same goals and values in life and we have had many discussions about our future, when to get married, where the wedding is going to be, and how many children to have. I have not once felt uncertain or that I needed to persuade him to marry me. I think he may be proposing soon because he asked my parents for permission to marry me in August (I learned about this “by accident” 🙂

I think what I am trying to say is that no one can tell you what to do with your life. This is your life and you have to make your own decision and you have to live through the consequences of your decision. But at the same time, you can’t force anyone to want something they don’t want. Is it worth it to place your future and happiness on a possibility he would change his mind? Can you live with it if he never changes his mind? Is being with him more important that your desire for marriage and children? Can you be happy if he takes 20 years to figure out what he wants? If yes, then by all means! If not, act now. My grandmother always says the definition of a foolish move is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results. 

Post # 50
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

sassy411 :  You are SOOOOO right!!

Post # 51
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

jetsetbee2 :  The thing is I really do want to get married, so I keep coming back here for advice as I’ve yet to have a truly calm convo with him about marriage. It just doesn’t come naturally to me, and coupled with my building frustration, it’s a recipie for tears and no progress. Some posters say the convo was as easy as “what do you want for dinner”, but that’s just not me. 

Bee, what we are trying to say is that if a man wants to marry you, the conversation IS that easy! If you are getting emotional or upset, its because of how he is responding! When I brought it up,  I was super prepared to get overly emotional about it. I was psyching myself up to not cry. But I didn’t have to, because the conversation was so easy, because he truly WANTED to marry me! We just had different timelines because he thought you planned a wedding in about 3mos! 

If you are getting emotional every time you bring it up it is beacuse he is NOT giving you what you want! If you want to get married, you have plenty of time to find someone that wants to marry you. I am sorry to say, but this person is not it. You can still love and care for him, and yes it is hard to leave (we’ve all been there) but if getting married is really important to you, you need to find someone else. 

Post # 52
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’re at an impasse. You want to get married, and your SO does not (or if he does, he doesn’t want to marry you and is settling/staying with you until he does want to get married where he’ll leave you and find the one to whom he is willing to commit), and you don’t want to leave.

So, as other PPs have stated, you have a decision to make, with two options.

1. Stay with your SO without marriage. Accept that he doesn’t want marriage, or doesn’t want it with you, but either way, for as long as you’re with him, you will not be married because you don’t want to leave.

2. Leave your SO, and start dating for marriage, as in date someone who follows through on what he says and promises, someone who wants the same things out of life as you do (marriage) and is compatible with you on life goals/dreams/desires. Always have talks early on with potential SOs to know if they see marriage in their future, and the general time line they think is appropriate for that goal to ensure you don’t waste so much time (9 years) with someone with which you’re not compatible.

Post # 53
131 posts
Blushing bee

There are some people who are too blunt when a person just needs to rant but I this time I do have to agree – girl, move on. You have a different vision of life. You want different things. Don’t waste anymore of your time, you are still young. Even if you do get married, I fear nothing good will come out of it

Post # 54
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Look up the “sunk cost fallacy.” 

Post # 55
131 posts
Blushing bee

Harley_Quinn :  Agree with this – When a man wants to marry you, you just know. Even if it doesn’t happen right away. Even if life throws obstacles in the way. If you ever have to question his loyalty, or whether he is 100% committed to you, he is not the one for you.

Post # 56
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

i feel so sad for you because you are not goingt to leave him and you will probably waste a lot of your breath and tears on a fool who is stringing you along. 9 years wasted and counting…..

speak to a therapist and move on

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