- 7 months ago
First of all, to everyone who has posted here and bothered to read through my entire post — THANK YOU.
Your words of encouragement are so soothing and helpful at this time!!!!
Secondly, to touch on some questions a few of you had regarding why stay in relationships that had clear signs of the patriarchal characteristics — it’s because nothing is ever so black and white. Yes, there were signs, but these guys would also say things like “I’m the biggest feminist! I just really want to protect you.” Who wouldn’t want to be protected? I sure do! And then slowly over time, these “protective” men would turn a little more controlling — what I should or shouldn’t say, how I should act, what I should wear because it makes me look more feminine or that’s what they like.. and little by little I began to lose my identity into a little form they molded for me.
Outside of the guy who left bruises on me and never apologized, I don’t think the other guys were bad. The Russian one especially is and was one of the kindest souls, but he can function in a very narrow specific relationship dynamic, which to be honest I don’t think he has quite figured out. He wants tradition but with a modern spin on it, he wants a strong woman, but then wants her to listen to him, I don’t even know.
I guess the challenge is always being able to see a flag as a red flag — there’s the creative part of me that’s always thinking well maybe if I look at it from this angle, I can make it work, or if we approach it from the other side, it can be overlooked. Afterall, I’m always taught relationships are about compromises, so it begins to get difficult when to know to cut your losses. That has been the biggest learning curve for me — is to be able to identify the make it or break it points for myself.
You have given me renewed energy to go back out and try with deeper and more clear intentions. I’ll continue to refine the core characteristics of what I offer in a relationships and what I need and what my deal breakfers are.
In the mean time, I’m a big reader – if anyone can offer any piece of literature they found useful along the way whether it’s about self improvement, self-help, relationship advice, etc. I would be grateful if you shared the titles.