32 and single… again — a little rant and seeking advice

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

As a fellow successful and independent woman and a Russian-American, STOP listening to your crazy mother! You don’t need to play some soft airheaded version of yourself to find and keep a man! You just need to stop making excuses for the dickheads in your life, and learn to cut people off when they don’t meet your needs, rather than molding yourself to meet theirs. And, don’t date mysogynists, even if they seem sweet!

Also, based on my casual enjoyment of Russian trash television, I think the gender relations in Russia are very different from the reality here (I assume you’re in the US). Ever watch “dovay pozenimsya! (Let’s get married)”? The only takeaway from that show is that women lose all value by the age of 25. Maybe that’s the case in Russia, but it’s not been my personal experience here! I’m 33 and engaged to my best friend and the love of my life, who is 28. My (crazy) mom’s comment when I first told her about him? You need to stop seeing him immediately, he is too young!

I do think therapy could benefit you, if you found the right counselor. I know it took me all of my twenties to reconcile my needs. I grew up in a traditional male patriarchal family structure but was raised to be smart and independent- with the expectation that I would find a smarter and more indepdendent man to provide for me. For a long time, i simultaneously desired someone who was more successful to be in a traditional dynamic with (similar to the type I saw growing up) and someone who respected my own achievements and was supportive. Not that it can’t work out that way, but it was only after I realized I was prioritizing the wrong characteristics that I found someone who really complements me. And our relationship is dynamic- changing to our circumstances and needs.

Post # 18
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee

MadamMiko : Him saying he wants to “protect you” by telling you what to do or how to behave (I’m guessing this was what they were justifying?) is an example of a massive red flag. I’m not bashing you at all, I’m just trying to give advice because I think maybe due to your background you have been exposed to and/or been prepped by certain members of your family to expect this kind of patriarchal behaviour from men. Which is why I believe you have stuck around for far too long and tolerated and excused controlling abusive behaviour. I see what you are saying about it being a gradual thing, but that is where red flags come in, they are warnings that should be alerting you to potential problems in the future. 

Post # 20
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

MadamMiko :   “He wants tradition but with a modern spin on it, he wants a strong woman, but then wants her to listen to him, I don’t even know.” 

By “listen to him”  does he mean “do as he says?”  Don’t date men who use beneficial concepts like listening and protecting to justify unequal power dynamics.  Both partners should listen to each other and protect each other—but not by controlling one another’s behavior.  Pick a man who lets you be you. Listening should be both parties trying to pay attention to each other and each other’s needs. Protection should be both partners taking care of each other and having each other’s best interests in mind.  Listening and protecting does not equal you shutting up or changing the way you are/dress/behave etc. Always pay attention to a man’s actions—they speak louder than the pretty words that can be used to manipulate.  Btw, sorry for the highlighted text. Don’t know how to fix it.

Edited to add: I’m from a very similar cultural background to you.  I think it’s hard to find a partner with the qualities you want in that community.  I looked outside it and I am very glad I did.

Post # 21
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like it’s obvious to the rest of us that you’re choosing abusive men, so your first step needs to be to stop dating and figure out why that is so you never do that again. 

Post # 22
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

MadamMiko :  I’ve had a couple of female Russian friends, and worked for a Ukranian doctor. I LOVE the strong personalities! I  too agree with Sunburn, and wondered if you’re in the US. I’ve known lots of second/third generation men who love and appreciate strong, independent, intelligent women. Smart and intense is not a flaw. You’ve probably been dating men who are insecure in their manhood. You need to find a real man who loves to be challenged. Don’t give up. You’re quite a catch! The right guy will come along. 

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