Post # 1
Hi, this is my first time writing on here, and I feel lost because I don’t feel that I can share this subject with my family or friends (as they all have their own personal opinions or self interest – not an insult – but you know what I mean…). For as long as I can remember back into my childhood, I envisioned having children. I had baby dolls that I would mother and would play house with. I think it was once I got into my teen years when I realized what was actually entailed (like giving birth, and taking care of them), I started to question whether it was really for me. I was never into baby sitting or had any real interest in holding children (newborn family members etc.). I dont like diapers (although I’ve done a few) or throw up. These thoughts of not having children were further brought on by my bratty half sister (not raised in my household growing up). FYI – I grew up in an only child HH (half sister is 12 years younger), so I’m not sure if this is playing a role. I cannot stand being around whiney children. In conversation with family and friends, I was always on the side of I dont know whether I want them, which they respond to me by saying “oh you’ll change your mind.” I thought my mind would have changed by now. My husband and I have now been married for 2 years and he’s starting to get antsy (I thought this was usually the woman’s position lol). When we first got together, I felt that I had a renewed interest in maybe having children, in fact, we even bought 2 christmas stockings so that when we did they would match ours. Fast forward 2 and a half years later, I continue to have serious questions about it and he really wants them. Everytime we’re around his niece for extended periods of time, I feel SO turned off (they live out of town so when we’re visiting them or they’re visiting us we’re pretty much living together). Yeah she’s cute, but its non-stop tending to her between his sister and mother (and then the baby’s dad too). She is now 3 – spoiled and has gotten pretty whiney. They allow for candy at breakfast and for her to unroll toilet paper all over my apt. They just had a second child that is 4 months old – again, she’s cute, but constant tending (although seemingly easier than the 3 year old). I dont know if she’s just disorganized or what…everything takes forever to do, and there’s no order. Additionally, I am completely petrified at carrying a baby or giving birth. I have had health anxiety issues in the past and I get so worried at the thought of all these extra things happening to my body. I dont know what to do anymore. I’ve almost gotten to the point where I feel like I wouldnt be totally upset if the doctor told me I couldnt have them. I know that sounds so awful as its my body and of course you want everything to function correctly, but I dont know how upset I would be about it. Some of my friends are now having children at 36 and 37 – maybe I’ll have changed my mind then? I dont know if I can put my husband off that long without it being a guaranteed yes. I work in the corporate world now in a demanding field and want ot start up something of my own – like now – I dont feel like I want to be thinking about children…what’s wrong with me? Has anyone out there felt like this and ended up having children (or not)?? Did the urge just come to you?
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
I’m 38, and similar to you, I don’t enjoy children that much. I don’t have any inkling of baby fever or a mothering instinct. My FI and I both feel the same way and want to focus on our lives together, without bringing extra people into it. Having babies just isn’t for us.
That said, I know that a lot of ppl didn’t exactly plan on having children, it just kind of happened. (totally preventable, people! lol) But having had the baby, they could not imagine their lives being any other way.
Personally, I don’t think you should bring a baby into the world if you don’t absolutely desire it, but let’s be real, it happens all the time. You get by. Is it ideal? no. is it real life? yeah.
But, your husband seems to want a child badly. That’s a problem if you don’t or are unsure, because there is NO middle ground here. Someone will have to give up what they want. This could cause resentments and major issues with your relationship. I hope you guys are able to get on the same page somehow. good luck.
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo
jsmith120214: I am 31 and the only urges I have about children are to run far far away from them and make sure i take my birth control. Kids aren’t for everyone, and that’s ok. I would suggest that you and your husband have a serious talk about this, maybe with the assistance of a professional counselor though. For some people having–or not having–children is a dealbreaker. They know they won’t be happy unless they’re a parent. I’ve known people who that conflict has ended an otherwise great relationship. I also know people who have changed their minds in their mid-to-late 30s, but there’s obviously no guarantee. I just would recommend doing some thinking about whether you think you could ever be happy having kids, then talk to your husband about whether he could ever be happy without kids.
And of course there’s always the greater risks associated with older women (and men) having babies, adoption/foster is always an option, etc etc. I’m sure you know all that.
Post # 4
I just start a similar post about this… and I’m 33 too.
Like you, I just never into having babies but I have lots of pressure from family and friends. Lucky, Dh is on the same page with me that we don’t want to have one until few years later…
I feel that I have not done enough for myself and I’m at my prime right now that I don’t want to lock down as a mom. Not saying being a mom is awful, I know and I heard a lot about it from friends and family… however, I felt that without a child, I can travel, I can take more risk for career, I can spend the money on something both DH and I enjoy.
Maybe I’m a control freak and I like to see a clear goal for myself. I always have 5, 10 years goal since high school year… and I strike to meet every single of them …. within my timeline. If having a child in 5 years, how I manage my money will completley change table. I will need to start buying education fund for my future child instead of putting the money toward our house. I will need to try my best to move up the ladder or work hard as a part time realtor to make more income for the future child…
me too, I always wonder would Ichange my mind in the future… but what if I change my mind in the next 5 years, and I’m too old to have a healthy child?
Post # 5
jsmith120214: . You can choose how to raise your kids. Some parents let their kids do whatever they want. Some parents now tend to see their children as an extension as themselves/ let them control everything which can result in bratty children.
However-Your comments about the constant tending to the 4 month old is kind on indicative that you might not enjoy having kids- or atleast small kids. Babies and toddlers ( especially 2,3,4 ) year olds are in need of constant attention so they don’t kill themselves lol (and yes things take longer
There is nothing wrong with not having children! I would make sure you and your DH are on the same page about it asap tho- if he wants them he deserves a partner who wants them too/ you deserve someone who wants the same things you do.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I had DS at 18 because I was pressured into it. I swore I was “one and done” for 15 years. I counted down until he left for college. I reveled in the idea that he would be off to college when I was just 36 and then I could start living my life for me (instead of living for him). I was a good and loving parent, but not a willing and happy one (horrible, immature attitude, I know, but that’s what happens when you are coerced into parenthood and you are not emotionally ready for it.)
And then, on a beautiful spring morning, from out of nowhere came the lightening bolt. It was an “aha!” moment, if I’ve ever had one. At 34 my biological clock began ticking very loudly. I wanted a baby in an instinctual way. I knew all of the downsides, intimately, and yet they didn’t matter in the least bit.
I can’t say it will happen for you. But I can say that after years of swearing up and down that I was never doing it again, my instincts changed my mind in a heartbeat. Call it hormones or biology or even insanity… whatever it is, it can be very powerful and real.
All that said, if kids are not, and never become, the right thing for you, that is 100% okay. But you need to be prepared to tell your partner that it’s not in the cards. Speaking from experience, navigating a period of time in which one partner wants kids and the other partner does not is very, very, very difficult. It put a huge strain on our marriage. But we ultimately came to a decision toghether and are happily moving forward in the same direction. So be prepared for some difficult times, but it doesn’t have to be “the end” that many people tell you it is.
Post # 7
37 year old here. The clock never started ticking for me 🙂
Very happy, no plans for children ever.
Post # 8
jsmith120214: I’m younger, so I’m not sure I can speak to this entirely (although I am also kind of terrified of carrying a child and… changing diapers! Eek! Never done it haha), but I wanted to share the story of one of my good friends. She was not really interested in having children and was annoyed by rambunctious, out-of-control little ones, but her DH wanted babies desperately, and she decided to they would have them to make him happy. Not ideal, but she knew how important it was to him. She expressed her anxiety to me several times during her first pregnancy. Fast forward several years, and I believe my friend is a truly happy mother of two little boys. One is just an infant still, but her first is an absolute angel. She has spent a lot of time raising him to be behaved and I know she loves both of them from the bottom of her heart.
Maybe you don’t like “kids” but maybe… you’ll love YOUR kids. Just a thought, although I do believe there is nothing wrong with not having children as well.
Post # 9
Well, first of all, I wouldn’t let the fact of being turned off by others kids worry you. I have a baby and I really dislike some children. I was never a fan of children unless they were close friends or family members- and even then if they were misbehaved they’d irritate me. But you can raise your children however you want. Some parents let their kids do whatever with no discipline and then you end up with bratty obnoxious children at times.
So I’m not quite as old so I don’t know if it would have changed as I got older, but at 29 I still had no baby fever and no overwhelming urge to have a baby. But I always envisioned myself with a famly/children. Not ideal, but I always thought I’d be happy with or without children (if I couldn’t have any). I don’t think everyone knows always feels 100% certain whether or not they want kids.
So while I didn’t have a real urge, I always kind of wanted a family (even though I didn’t feel old enough for it haha). I’m not sure if I would have ever “been ready” or had an urge. Maybe I would have hit 35 and it would have arrived! Who knows. There was no way I was ready in my early or mid 20s- and I knew I absolutely for sure that I did not want one at that point.
Anyway, I went off my BCP after 16 years because I had no idea what my cycles would be like and I got pregnant in one shot. Our plan was always to have kids even though I didn’t feel old enough. So I guess you could say that was that. I was definitely emotionally ready but still terrified of the unknown. I would never suggest someone just go for it if they’re not 100% sure, but I am proof that you can be sort of on the fence and intimidated by it and still end up very happy with your decision! Oh yeah, I love being a mom and I want more babies! (I totally was NOT a baby person before).
When you picture your future- do you have kids or not? Pretend you can still have time for yourself and whatever it is you want to do- because I can still do these things, it just takes more time and planning. And maybe I don’t get to do them as often, but I still get to do them. I have time to myself every night! I have an 8 mo old and 3 glorious hours of alone time lol. It really has a lot to do with your priorities. I know someone with a baby who has traveled the world before baby and still travels the world. It’s really what you make it. On the other hand, maybe you just can’t picture kids- and that is okay, too.
Post # 10
jsmith120214: I don’t really have an answer for you, but just wanted to say I feel exactly the same way as you (and also deal with anxiety). I’m 27 (almost 28) and about to be married and have no desire for children. I do love spending time with my nieces but only for a few hours at a time and then I want my own space, they are great to be around but I’m just not sure I want that responsibility. I’m wondering if my biological clock will ever kick in; I imagine it’s how I feel about puppy’s, that urge to have and love every single one, but with babies instead. Im obsessed with puppies but have to struggle to appreciate a baby. Maybe I’ll just get a dog after the wedding haha.
Post # 11
I felt that way until about age 34 and I literally remember being in bed, barely awake and thinking about nothing in particular and I remember telling myself, “I want kids.” I jumped out of bed b/c I thought I was losing my mind. And, b/f then I didn’t want kids EVER. I’m not saying this will happen to you, but I never thought I would even have the desire. I guess you either have it or you don’t. I would not put too much pressure on myself and maybe if your hubbie volunteers like with Big Brothers, Big Sisters, it will help satisfy his needs and also give you more time to make up your mind as well. I also volunteered at a church in the toodler/nursery room b/c it was great to help and love on other ppl’s children if I felt the urge. I’m not sure if you all have this opporunity, but it was nice to interact with different types of parents and children in a non-committal setting.
I hope you don’t feel bad just b/c you don’t want to have children. I don’t think it is odd and I am sure some parents probably envy your lifestyle. Enjoy it till the fullest!
Post # 12
This thread reminds me of this recent article in NYMag. http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/09/what-if-you-just-dont-know-if-you-want-kids.html
I think most people are kind of like “eh? maybe?” about kids until they happen. I say I want them, but when will I feel like it’s the right time, you know?
Post # 13
I always assumed that I would have children because that was expected of me. Seeing how angry and stressed out my mother was opened my eyes, just like the very negative experiences I had while working with children. I was blessed enough to find a childfree man and we love our marriage just the way it is. We love our freedom, time for each other and quiet home. I am 32 and I doubt that I will change my mind. I am very grateful to my husband for having his vasectomy.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. We all find our own paths to happiness. Society condemns women for being childfree but parenthood isn’t something that appeals to everyone.
I hope that you and your husband get on the same page about having kids. It is much easier for a man to say he wants babies, because men go through very little compared to women when kids arrive. I have also noticed that mothers do far more childrearing than fathers, but that also depends on the kind of relationship two parents have. If your husband desperately wants children but you are adamant that you do not want to become a mother, it will be very difficult to have a happy marriage in the long run.
Post # 14
I grew up in a huge family, there was always a kid running round doing something they by shouldn’t, my mother was the youngest of 13, no one out of my whole very extended family has not had kids. Because of all the drama and the horrible stories (skittles up the nose, sister though a window, ect) and countless trips to school or hospital for bad behaviour. I always said I never wanted kids. I had a talk with FSIL and she said she never did, until it happened. She said you never stop hating other people’s kids, but your kids, the sun shines out of their backside 24/7. No one has to have to have kids, but I wouldn’t like to miss my window by wondering.
Post # 15
jsmith120214: Well I can’t talk but I am 21 and I am already having the urges for a baby. My fiance and I have been together 6 years and I can’t wait. I also do not think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids.