Post # 1
my story is long but in short: I met a wonderful man 9 years ago ( 11 years older than me) and we were engaged after 3 years. However after I bought the dress and selected the venue, he always made excuses why it is not the right time now so we never got actually married. He is loving, very reliable, honest and would have never cheated on me but one thing that drove us constantly appart was his family. He lives with them still despite me begging him to get an apartment or house with me. I even moved in for 2 years which didnt work ( how, if there are 8 people living in the same house sharing all rooms) so I moved back out. I always thought he would change but his family comes first. His siblings are in their 50s but still rely financially on him. And his father encourages their behaviour.
Now I am 35 and I am fed up with this situation of having a weekend fiance that doesnt want to leave his nest to start a family with me. So= i broke up with him 3 weeks ago.
Now i am not sure if i made the mistake of my life because I feel so lonely. On top of it, I am not from here originally, my family lives in Europe. During the 9 years I was with him, i wasnt able to make any friends. During the day i worked like crazy to get there where I am now in my job and on the weekend it was only us. He didnt have much friends either.
Going back is not an option.. too much unemployment and crime now. Even my parents tell me its safer in the US. And I love my job.
But how do i get out of this lonely feeling? I cry almost every evening and weekends are the worst. How do you make friend at 35??? I am going to the gym daily but its not that easy to make conversation. Most girls my age are married or only talk babies.
I cant date yet, it is still too early to even thing of another guy in my life. Should I have stayed with my ex? Even he wasnt fully there – he was someone i could rely on and talk to.
sooo much appreciated:-)
Post # 2
fluffy81 : You made the right choice!!
For making friends, check out your local community college/rec center/other facility that offers adult ed and see if any courses catch your eye. Dance, watercolor, cooking, programming, entomology, anything that sparks your interest will have other people attending who share that interest. My local parks department hosts nature walks and informational hikes a couple times a month, you should check if yours offers anything similar.
If you have any interest in religion (or know of any religious institutions that welcome atheists/agnostics), you can often find a welcoming community there that comes with built-in opportunities for socializing.
Post # 3
You did the right thing!! It’s only been three weeks, of course you feel shit. Give yourself some time, I promise it will get better.
Post # 4
First of all, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, but as a PP said, it is to be expected. It will take some time to establish and feel comfortable with your new sense of normal.
It sounds like you did everything you could to make it work, but it is very important to want the same things out of life. It sounds like you arrived at the conclusion that you did not want the same things he did.
In addition to what a PP suggested, why not head out on the town by yourself? You can have great conversations by just having dinner by yourself at the bar and chatting up whoever is by you.
Sending you warm thoughts.
Post # 5
Hunny, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am sure this will work out to be the best thing.
I highly recommend a site called MEETUP.com
You can join groups based on hobbies and interests and go meet people you have things in common with. Best part is most groups have schedules so you can just go to stuff you have time for, feel up to going to.
I met tons of awesome people on there. I only joined groups that were friendship only and it sounds like you would be doing the same thing.
Best of luck Bee, be strong. ((HUGS))
Post # 6
You did the right thing because he was never going to come around. You’re only 35 – you are young! You still have lots of time to meet the right one when you’re ready. And the next guy won’t keep you waiting so long! I feel very bad for you and I know it’s a very difficult thing to go through to be alone after 9 years together, but contrary to what you say, he was not reliable. He was not there for you when you needed him and he put his family first and refused to leave the nest and stop helping his siblings who are in their 50’s and still live at home!! I think that alone would have driven most women away. And he made excuses for why he couldn’t marry you and kept you waiting and waiting. I don’t he will leave his situation and change for you. You say you love your job – start getting to know your co-workers more or join something social at your work. Start getting out and meeting more people by doing the things you enjoy. You’ll be surprised at how many new friends you will have and how much you like being on your own even. Good luck and hugs!
Post # 7
You did the right thing. I agree with PP about Meetup. It’s a great way to meet people, men and women.
You definitely did the right thing. Hugs!
Post # 8
Ok – the bad news is you wasted a lot of years on a man child.
The good news is you’re out now and 30’s are blimmin awesome!
i don’t know if you want marriage and kids but to give you some idea, I’m nearly 40 and only met and married my husband in the last couple of years and now I’m pregnant. So you don’t have years to mess around if you do want a family but you’ve got some fun stuff coming up!
it sounds like you’re in a good place location wise and work. I’ve found really good female friends through work networks so investigate those business groups or whatever when you can. They are often very social.
Also use the time to reflect why you waited so long. You know better now 🙂
when you’re ready there are a ton of great men out there. You being without kids (I’m assuming) makes you a rare thing in our single age bracket.
Dating apps and sites are your rich seam!
It’s a numbers game.
Looking forward to hearing about your excited next year or so 🙂
Post # 9
fluffy81 : this is a rough time but you absolutely did the right thing! Do you have any hobbies? Like PP suggested, there are inexpensive classes or clubs you can join to meet people and take your mind off of him! Not sure about your religious affiliation but sometimes churches will have small groups and get togethers. My church does women Wednesdays which is basically just a bunch of ladies getting together for pot luck and treats and support each other:) there are lots of people out there going through similar situations! Don’t feel alone! Keep yourself busy and stay strong bee!
Post # 10
So sorry to hear this but what you did is probably the best thing you ever did/will do. Staying with him would have wasted even more time. You are 35 and still young, what if this happened when you were 45. Sooner the better.
To get better things or people in life we need to make space in our life which you just did. Stay positive and prince will come , just be patient.
I have lived in different cities in states because of my job. How I made freinds is via Meetup.com, I highly recommend it.Just ensure you are meeting at public places.
After sometime, you should join match – dont wait too long over the spilt milk. Lesson for next time, if someone is not ready to get married after 2 or 3 yrs of knowing you, its time to move on.
For now go out there and make friends and pursue your hobbies.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
You dodged a massive bullet – you would never have taken precedence over his family. In terms of meeting people, is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to take up? A sport you want to play? Now’s the time to do that.
Post # 12
Oh girl, you DEFINTELY made the right choice leaving. Don’t second guess that.
I recently moved to a new city and can relate to your trouble making friends – it’s hard when you’re a grown up! Other than joining groups related to your hobbies as other bees have suggested – how about getting a dog? Would probably help with the loneliness as well, and dogs make friends for you. It’ll force you to get out and give you a good excuse to go to doggy meetups. Two birds with one stone! Unless you’re not a dog person. Or your living situation does not allow for one.
Also, even though you say you’re not ready to date again, I’d reccomend putting up a profile on a dating site. You don’t have to actually go on any dates if you don’t want to, but you can connect with people and see how it goes. You could even just quietly watch. When I got out of my last long term relationship signing up for a dating site helped me focus on the possibilities ahead instead of what could have been.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your encouraging words!! No i unfotunately do not have any children but 2 cats but they dont talk 🙁
I am so depressed. I though with 35 I am married and have a husband and a child. Family.
Nothing. Instead I wasted my time and I still like/love the guy even but there is no future so i had to end it. Everything has become meaningless. Before we broke up I was sooo close to buying my townhouse but now I cant make that big of a change. Baby steps i guess. Everything feels too much to do. If I wouldnt have to get to work, i would stay in bed all day long and just close my eyes.
is that normal? I had a breakup after 4 years before ( he cheated) when i was 26 but I wasnt as down and depressed as i am now.
Post # 14
fluffy81 : you probably weren’t as down because you were angry. And that may be what you need to do now. Get Angry. (Not crazy angry, but enough to give yourself a push.) Go to the library or a coffee house. If you are very shy, join a local group online. Then slowly push your limits and start to meet people. If you are religous join a church, or something similar. Just put yourself out there, and smile. Meeting friends is very easy actually.
And also it is winter right now. It is easy to be down, and lonely. It is so cold it is hard to get out and do things. Do fall into cabin fever. Give it some time, it has only been 3 weeks. You will see a whole new world!
I didn’t meet my Fiance until I was 31, and we are getting married this year. You have plenty of time.
Post # 15
fluffy81 : Perhaps you were as down and depresseed before but you don’t remember because time heals all wounds. A little while from now, you won’t even recall how miserable you’re feeling right now. Hang in there, Bee!