(Closed) 3.5 years and still waiting…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Is asking to be engaged before thanksgiving 2012 too much to ask?!
    Yes : (31 votes)
    82 %
    No : (1 votes)
    3 %
    Need more info : (6 votes)
    16 %
  • Post # 3
    1079 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    You realize that Thanksgiving is in three weeks, right?  I’m going to to say yes, it is too much to ask.  Given everything that you’ve written in your post, it sounds like he’s not 100% on the let’s get married train yet.  I would be leary of pushing him towards doing it so fast.  It sounds like you guys need to talk about this more without regards to anyone other than the two of you. 

    Post # 4
    1404 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I honestly think it’s too much to ask. Your SO may feel pressured and that’s the last thing you want. Getting engaged and planning to be married is something you both have to be ready for and it sounds like he’s not quite there yet.

    Post # 5
    337 posts
    Helper bee

    Stick to your guns but don’t push too much.  I think finding a roommate is the best decision you could make.  He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too.

    If you agreed to live with him, he’d get to move out cheaper, it says committment without the actual committment and would probably just make it take longer.

    I think if you hope to be engaged by Thanksgiving of this year, you’ll only be disappointed.  Plan to move in with a roommate, maybe the space will put him in the right mindset.

    Post # 6
    1059 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think it might be too soon since he will need time to save up and plan something. What might be good to do though is to let him know your plans – you’re thinking of getting a roommate in March etc. unless you are engaged in which case you can both look forward to living together. I would refrain from phrases like “put a ring on it” etc. and let him know how you’d like things to happen – get engaged by Thanksgiving etc. for house things but if that doesn’t work for him that is fine too, just know that you will be signing a lease and looking for a roommate soon. It would be good to start by asking what his hesitations are about getting married, if he has any. 

    Then again, I’m not engaged so I don’t know if I would listen to me.

    Post # 7
    41 posts

    My SO and I have been together for 5 years,  both 23 and he has started his career and I (luckily) have my career job before even finishing school just yet. He’s still not ready to even discuss it, so I wait. I’d rather wait than lose him completely. There are two in a relationship and I’m realizing that the person in control (for the time being) IS the one who needs a little more time. If you try to rush this before he’s ready, I’m sure his mother will be in his ear and that sounds like it could lead to disaster. I understand it must be frustrating seeing your aunt get what you want so easily, but LOTS of brides here have received NOTHING from their families…. And it sounds like your stressing yourself out more than is necessary just to reach the timeline you have in mind. We’re still young and this is supposed to be the fun part! But I would ask what his hesitation is all about I think you should both be aware of the others feelings. And I would explain to him that you will be getting a roommate depending on this. And good for you for waiting to move in together!! I’m not strictly sticking to that, but I’d prefer to be married before living together (but it is hard to be apart still after 5 years!)

    Post # 8
    9139 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    You’re both still young and not settled enough that I would make getting engaged by Thanksgiving an ultimatum.  I’m sorry but it sounds to me like you are more concerned with getting engaged and having a wedding ASAP than actually considering what kind of marriage you will have.  Your remarks about how his mother babies him are concerning; will he expect you to fill that role in his life?  Are you willing to do that?

    Definitely stick to your guns about not moving in together unless you have a ring on it and a date set.  Who cares that your aunt met and got engaged in a month and she’s only 2 years older than you; that’s her, not you.  Spend the next year talking about what kind of marriage you would have with this guy.  What your expectations are, what his expectations are.  How you would raise your children (disciplinary style, religious practices, etc…)?  When would you have children?  How many?  Where would you live?  Who would you spend holidays with?  Without more information, I think he is in the right to continue getting to know you before proposing.

    Post # 9
    1979 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Some rings take as long as 8 weeks to make, so it may be a bit much to demand an engagement in under a month. Plus, he doesn’t have a full time job and might need some time to save up for even a modest ring. 

    Post # 10
    5001 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You’re so young, he’s not ready, you don’t have the money, and you still live at home. I’d say give it 2-3 more years and then maybe marriage would be a good idea. 

    Post # 11
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    You’re coming at this from the wrong place, IMO. 

    Saying “Is it too much to ask” is coming at it from a place of entitlement. Whether or not one is actually entitled to expect to get married after a time is irrelevant. If you come at the situation from this angle, you are unlikely to get what you want.

    A better way to look at it would be “What can I do to show him I would be a good wife, while still maintaining my own life activities, sense of self, and the things that made him fall in love with me in the first place?” and “How can I convince him I’d be fine with a very inexpensive ring and courthouse/cheap wedding now (DO NOT try this if you don’t truly feel this way)” and lastly, “How long am I willing to wait if he doesn’t seem to want to come around?”

    The reality is, the only person’s behavior you con truly control is your own, and you’ll get better results by trying to control you than by trying to use your words to control what he wants to do.  (Does that make sense? I am not trying to imply that you’re controlling, just that it’s never as good to tell/ask/beg someone to do something, as it is to make what you want seem like the most desirable alternative, and let them feel like they’ve come upon the idea themselves. You two should discuss this, yes, but not when you’re in this mindset. It seems you’ve said your peace, and I’d let it go for a little while.

    I know it’s not what you want to hear,  but you two are still young. I think not moving in together is an excellent first step, and kudos to you for not doing that, but the reality is that he may just not have gotten to an age where he feels comfortable committing yet, and this may have little or nothing to do with you. Good luck, though, and definitely keep us updated! 

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