- 8 years ago
I have been with my fiancee for 3.5 years now, he asked me to marry him last month and we just signed a lease in a new place with a year contract. Yesterday he came home and told me that he wants to call it all off. He says that he loves me dearly and that I’m a great, cool headed person, but he feels like we are best friends and roommates rather than passionate lovers. And that he has been trying to internally “fix it” (the way he feels) for the past year and is now done. I am a very logical and rational person where he tends to be overly dramatic and sensitive. I tried to logically eliminate his fear of commitment which I know he has been struggling with, which I thought was overcome when he asked me to marry him. Two hours into our talk he tells me that he has an infatuation for someone else he works with and that the way this girl makes him feel is like I used to make him feel, but don’t anymore because we are routine, normal and situated together. But he still loves me. I tried to tell him that there is nothing not normal about this situation – I’ve had other crushes while we were together but at the end of the day, I choose to stay with him because what we have is a wonderful relationship that is stable – something I don’t want to give up. We are human and these things are natural – what matters is what you do with the situation.
So, why wait until you signed a new lease with me and asked me to marry you a month ago? This is even more hurtful because of these recent events.
Last night I tried to reason with him, and he ended up leaving to sleep on the floor of our old apartment. I sent him some links to read about the way he feels, to try to get some logic and rationality into him. I told him that even if he left me, found someone else, he will eventually get bored with them as well. He is a very indesicive person in general and never seems to know what he wants, and suffers from depression (sometimes I think even maybe has a mild form of bipolar disorder with his swings). I pleaded for him to reconsider and talk to me when he’s ready.
He told me he would come by in the morning to talk to me. That didn’t happen so I went to work and have been crying all day. He says now that he will talk to me when I come home from work today, but I just received a text asking for my financial info so that he can simply route me a check for our finances that we share. I’m starting to think that he won’t be there when I get home today.
The worst part of this situation is that I relocated to MD from home in DE for a job that I love, and since I’ve been with him I’ve moved upward, towards DE to make both commutes a little more even (he moved down here and did a 1.25 hour commute two ways each day for the past 2 years because he loved me). I’m now an hour away from my job, can’t make the rent and payments by myself, and feel like I’m in a horrible financial rut living with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with right now, and maybe not ever again.
I’m going to offer to leave him by himself this weekend and give him some time to think about my former pleas, but I will not plea further. If by Sunday he still feels the same, I’m going to tell him that it’s time to move on, figure out the finances and eventually tell him I never want to speak to him again. If he wants me back, he’s going to have to earn me back. I have to lay down the line and do not want to keep chasing after a heartbreak, and if it will make him miss me and realize that he’s an idiot, then good. Does anyone have any advice or good suggestions for me or can confirm that my game plan is a good one?