(Closed) 38 year old partner not sure if he wants kids POLL

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I move on?
    Yes, your relationship goals are incompatible : (123 votes)
    75 %
    Maybe, sleep on it and discuss things some more over time : (39 votes)
    24 %
    No, lots of men are unsure about kids until they have their own : (2 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    452 posts
    Helper bee

    “men aren’t paternal. They usually have kids cause their wife wants them and then they end up loving their kids when they arrive”

    Your friend sounds like she’s really trying hard to lie to herself that she can have kids with someone who doesn’t want them. But this is NOT TRUE AT ALL and is more likely to cause grief and an uninvolved father later on.

    Post # 17
    Member
    406 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    I would think by 38 he should know if he wants kids.  When I was dating, I always took uncertainty to mean “no” and moved on.  Men can absolutely be paternal.  I remember my Darling Husband specifically saying something to the effect that he really wants a family someday and wanting to make sure I absolutely did as well.

    Post # 18
    Member
    441 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Have a good long talk about having kids, maybe during a quiet evening at home so you have some uninterrupted time together. However, I will say too that having kids is important to you, and you can’t compromise on that. If you 100% want kids, you have to find someone who also wants kids 100%. 

    My Fiance and I have an age gap. He is 40 years old, I am 26. We had a discussion about kids early on in our relationship, and we decided we both do not want them. We are both behind that decision 100%. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    5020 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Girl, you don’t have time to waste at 34!  He is telling you that he doesn’t want kids and you do.  I know its a sad realization but you are not compatible on this one major area in life. You need to move on.

    Post # 21
    Member
    7897 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    If he was in his 20’s I’d say give it time, but at 38 he should know. Or at least lean strongly one way. I would not wait this out to likely just be disappointed and past your window of having children. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1564 posts
    Bumble bee

    My best friend married a man who was on the fence about kids BEFORE the wedding, then afterwards told her that he never wanted children.  She wanted children and it was very important to her.

    Even though he was on the fence, she felt utterly betrayed since this was a “deal-breaker” for her.  She divorced a year later and remarried.  And has never been happier.  She has two step-children and two biological children and she loves them all.

    Post # 23
    Member
    362 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  so sorry to hear this. Especially as adults (in 30s and 40s), I’d consider whether someone is looking for something serious, whether they want to get married, and whether they want to have kids as potential dealbreakers that should be asked and known before first date or by second or third date at most- way before any feelings (or love) are involved. If you are sure that you do (or don’t) want any of those things, I wouldn’t even date someone who wanted the opposite or was unsure. Those are nonstarters. It doesn’t have to be hard, you just have to ask the important questions earlier on and believe the answers you hear (if someone might not ever want kids, that is true, and not what you want).

    Were you just assuming he wanted kids? Doesn’t seem like it makes sense to stay w him unless you’re very open to and happy w the idea of maybe never having kids.

    Post # 24
    Member
    6424 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  I’ll be honest I dated a 38 year old man a several years ago.  He wasn’t sure either….and now at mid 40’s, he still has no kids, no wife, nothing.  So if your gut is telling you to he’s not going to have kids, then he probably won’t want them…so just keep that in mind if you really want kids or not.

    Post # 25
    Member
    244 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  I think there is some truth to the men aren’t paternal thing in the sense that men who are unsure can be and usually are persuaded by their wives.  But if a guy says “no way”, my guess is he means “no way.”

    Post # 26
    Member
    3902 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  what culture is he from?

    Im asking cause sometimes it’s a cultural thing. Im my culture most men treat kids as a “side effect” of being with a woman. Very few men actually WANT kids before they are married. Most pregnancies happen when the woman wants them to, not after a mutual agreement. This attitude is slowly fading(in the more cosmopolitan areas), but in some areas it’s still very prevalent, even in my generation. In my mon’s generations it was like that all over. We are east European. (I’m half Russian, half Ukranian) one of the reasons I didnt wanna marry someone from my culture is that attitude. I wanted a man who WANTED to have kids. My Fiance knew this for a while before we met.

    Post # 27
    Member
    541 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2026

    I don’t know; some posters said your friend is wrong, but that’s sort of what happened with my future brother and sister-in-law. I am pretty sure they came to some agreement though, but he was initially the “I don’t want kids” type. Then he had one and now two! 

    That said, you should never assume he will eventually change his mind. His biological clock is ticking, too. Are you going to wait 10 years for this man to decide what he really wants? 

    Post # 28
    Member
    10035 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Your friend is wrong. There are men who want kids because they want them, not because of thier wife nagging them into it.

    If having kids is important to you then I would move on from this relationship. No point in wasting your time when a deal breaker has already shown up.

    Post # 29
    Member
    626 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  He’s old enough to know who he is and what he wants. You should take him at his word, and tell him that you 100% do want kids, and that as much as you like him, you think it’s better to part ways now than to have a fight or feel resentment towards each other later.

    Sorry 🙁

    Post # 30
    Member
    626 posts
    Busy bee

    Try not to take it personally, because it’s not personal. Instead of thinking “the men that love me don’t want me to have their children” just think “it sucks that I fell in love with a guy who doesn’t want *anyone* to have his kids, because he doesn’t want them.” In your next relationship, it will help you to talk about kids a bit earlier. It’s much easier to accept that you don’t want the same things on date 4 than on year 2, when you’re in love.

    If he does a 180, I’d encourage you to stay strong. Tell him that you really don’t want him to do something for you and then regret it and feel resentment. If he actually does want a family, great, but neither of you should have to compromise on something this big.

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