(Closed) 38 year old partner not sure if he wants kids POLL

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I move on?
    Yes, your relationship goals are incompatible : (123 votes)
    75 %
    Maybe, sleep on it and discuss things some more over time : (39 votes)
    24 %
    No, lots of men are unsure about kids until they have their own : (2 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  This is just coming up now? You are in your 30s – whether or not you want kids should be addressed very early on in a relationship. That is along the lines of not discussing religion, or politics, or money. Certain values need to be discussed and disclosed early on so you can decide if you are compatible. 

    Post # 47
    Member
    364 posts
    Helper bee

    You’re right that 38 is pretty damn old to not know if you want to be a father. Being a father is a full time job and a huge commitment. I would never want to have a child with a man who wasn’t completely 100% sure he wanted to be a dad. Your friend is wrong. Getting pregnant and just hoping he’ll decide to love the child and be parent is a terrible idea. That’s not how it works with most couples. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    1813 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    When my husband and I were in our 20s we said we didn’t want kids. Then in our early 30s some friends had a daughter. After that we both sort of thought ‘well if they can handle it so can we!’  At the same time my doctor told me to quit Birth control because I was getting severe migraines. I said ‘how about we try for 6 months.. if it happens then it’s meant to be?’ – and I got pregnant right away. 

    So – sometimes people do change their minds. Has he been around friends who have kids? Is there a reason he doesn’t want kids? In our case I think we just felt too young and irresponsible – but seeing friends our age do it have us confidence. 

    Before breaking up, have a serious conversation about reasons why he doesn’t want kids. Tell him you definitely do. Maybe he’s on the fence, but if he knows how much you want them it might convince him. After that you can make your decision 

    Post # 50
    Member
    637 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  I dont think I know a ton of men who actually dont want kids (I am 25). All of my guy friends dont want kids RIGHT NOW, but I hear conversations all the time about future children. 

    Maybe he is afriad he wont be a good father? Maybe he is worried he worried about being the only one with kids? There could be a lot of things making him feel this way, I wouldnt write him off until you have more than one conversation about it. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    2357 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  At 38 this has never come up once in his dating life? I find that very hard to believe and at that age he should know. Hell, I knew when I was 10 that kids were a no go. Has he never been in a serious relationship?

    If kids are a dealbreaker for you then you might want to leave for greener pastures. If they are a maybe then stick it out. But I don’t agree with your friend that says “he’ll love em later.” Thats a gamble. He may resent you and the kids and leave. Not everyone wants to be a father. Nor should they.

    Post # 52
    Member
    1408 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

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    ne11y23 :  Okay well in that case it sounds like he was just misrepresenting himself, which really blows and means you have even more reason to leave him now. And yeah if none of his friends have children, it’s also more likely he would not want kids because having them would estrange him from his social network. 

    To me his friends alone would be a red flag. I am child free by choice, I definitely do not want my own kids, but my friends are all in their 30s & 40s so naturally most of them have children…but maybe this is a difference between male & female friendship circles.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1412 posts
    Bumble bee

    My husband is 38 and is still iffy on whether or not he wants kids. I’m the same, but I’m 26. Its entirely possible he still isn’t sure, but it sounds like you’re ready to be a mom, so this may not be the person for you. 

    And you can still have a family- sperm banks, adoption, surrogacy and fostering are all ways to create a family!!

    Post # 54
    Member
    5453 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    Definitively move on. Stop making excuses for him and hoping that he will change his mind. You can meet someone wonderful tomorrow and be married next year, having kids right after/around that time. But none of this will happen if you tie yourself to this Peter Pan. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    9147 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

     

    View original reply
    ne11y23 :  

    Well idk OP, 8 months ago you were TTC via IVF with your husband , 5 months ago you met this present guy… presumably you are still married to your husband, though  I imagine you must have  left him ( or he  you ) in  that three month gap ? And in the last 2 months you have had a miscarriage from an unplanned pregnancy with the present  guy.

    It just all sounds like a recipe for disaster to me unless you slow down a bit . I know time is not on your side re babies , but even so this is worryingly fast for your emotional health. Be careful. If you are OK with being a single mum, fine , but if not, well like I  said.  be careful.

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