(Closed) 4 1/2 years and no proposal :( upset bee needs some support :(

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I don’t know where you’re from, but I don’t know many 25 year old guys rushing to the altar. You are really young, you shouldn’t be crying on the daily over this. Asking him a timeline is fair, but you need to be patient and realize that even if you did get married in 5 years you wouldn’t look like an old crone walking down the aisle. 

Post # 3
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to be more patient. I mean you were upset over something he didn’t even remember and didn’t realize you were waiting for this. I think that you just need to wait. I was in a similar position and he said about a year after we moved in together it would happen. A year came and passed and it didn’t happen. I was devestated. I eventually brought it up and he had mentioned the house. We jusy went through a remodel and it’s just soo expensive. So I did understand. Eventually it happend. Just make sure he knows that you are expecting one. Get a better timeline and then just wait it out.

Post # 4
11533 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Please don’t think I am attacking you for your choices, because you have every right to make your own decisons based on your own personal beliefs and values. However, there often are some unintended consequences of the decisons that we make.

You have asked what is wrong with you, but I don’t think this has to do with you as much as it has to do with the situation in which you have willingly put yourself. You are living as a wife, without having many of the benefits of being a wife, and it’s very possible that your boyfriend does not see a need to hurry to move on from the status quo.

Post # 5
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
katevonp:  (((hugs sweetie)))  You’re both pretty young so I don’t think there’s a huge rush (as in some Bees who have to factor in their biological clock & wanting children), BUT you’ve also bought a house together/ live together so I can definitely see why you feel engagement should be the natural progression in the near future.

The good news is that he seems like a decent guy & he does seem committed to you- you just have different priorities, you want an engagement & wedding sooner, he wants to focus on remodeling/ fixing your home. Both of these priorities concern your mutual future, it’s only the order that you differ on. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed & tell him you’re not expecting a ring tomorrow but that having a timeline would make you feel much better about things as well as able to actively help plan your future. Also, that it’s important to you to have your grandparents at your wedding.

How about suggesting this: Since you already live together and share finances, how about setting up Savings jars? One can be for engagement, one for home repairs and improvement, one for emergency savings, and one for entertainment & gifts (birthdays, dinners out etc). That way you can work toward both your goals (a ring/ fixing up your home) simultaneously so that neither partner feels their voice isn’t being heard. When it’s close to when you plan to get engaged (say next Christmas for example), whatever is in the Engagement jar is your ring budget. If you’ve managed to save more than you need for a ring, the extra can go into what will now be the Wedding jar. Then you can set a Wedding budget- and any money given to you as wedding gifts can now go into home renovations.

Post # 6
273 posts
Helper bee

Aw ๐Ÿ™ I’m so sorry this has gotten you upset.  He sounds like a great guy and from conversations you’ve had it’s obviously on his mind for the future, maybe just not for the right now.  You’re both still so young, I know it’s horrible when everyone around you is getting engaged but trust me your time will come!  I was with my Fiance for almost 7 years before he popped the question, I was 24 at the time which I think was a good age to get engaged.  

He is obviously committed to you if he has bought a house with you and is planning to fix it up for you which really does show he cares about making a nice future for you both.  Relax, getting engaged will be the natural progression once you guys have moved in and got your house sorted.  Big hugs!

Post # 7
3384 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
katevonp:  To start, I just want to say that I’m sorry you are feeling so sad and hurt over this, waiting is hard!  Just know that every couple has a different relationship and timeline, and just because your friends are getting engaged sooner doesn’t mean that you have to get engaged now.  

I know you won’t like to hear this, but 22 and 25 are actually very young ages!  I thought I was ready to get engaged to a past boyfriend at age 22 and had NO idea how much I would change in the next several years as a person.  I’m not saying that you and your current boyfriend aren’t meant to be together forever, but just realize that your early 20s are usually a time of personal growth.

I think what might help you is to sit down with your bf and discuss a timeline, if he is willing to talk about it.  Figure out how much money is going towards renovating your house, and how much he is willing to save towards your ring.  If you’re serious about being okay with a less expensive ring, tell him that!

And just remember, if you are planning on getting engaged and married, you will have your whole life with this person anyways.  So in the long run, getting engaged after 4.5 years or 10 years shouldn’t make a difference, because you are still with that person as your life partner!

Post # 8
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t know of many guys who can afford a nice ring AND afford to pay for all the things necessary to fix up a house at 25. Unless he’s just inexplicably successful. I am echoing the other PPs. You’re 22. You’re really young. Your guy probably doesn’t want to have to put a ring on credit, or borrow from family in order to give you a ring.

This is one of the problems when you get together with someone so young– it feels like it’s been forever, but really you haven’t done all your growing up yet.

Plus, your guy probably thinks buying a house together is a big committment, and has bought him some time. Is your name on the house, btw?

Now that you’ve had this discussion with him, make your wants known. Tell him “I want to be married by the time I’m 25 and you’re 28. I want to have children before I’m 28.” That gives him a clear, and realistic goal to work towards and save up for. Maybe go to a jewelry store together, try on a few things, let him know your size, and say “if you’re going to buy me one, this is the style I like.” Then leave it alone. Let him do the work.

If he takes too long, then you know what to do.

Post # 9
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Victoria Wedding Chapel

I feel your pain. Everybody is telling you you’re so young and you have so much time, which of course is true, but after 4.5 years, no matter how old you are, you start to wonder if you’re wasting your time. Just have a calm discussion with him at an appropriate time (i.e. not after a huge fight, not while he’s in the middle of something, etc.) about when he thinks he’ll want to take the next step. Just ask, that’s all you can do. If he says wihtin the next year, then you have your answer. If he says he doesn’t know, or gives you a crazy timeline like in the next 5 years, just tell him what you’d like and when you think would be a good time to get engaged.

I’m 23, but my boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years. I’m not super anxious for an engagement, but sometimes I think to myself, “You’re only 23. It’ll happen when it happens.” This usually calms me down and lets me enjoy my relationship for what it is now, and not worry about what it’s going to be in the future. I do have a somewhat different situation though. He’s 32 and more likely to want to settle down sooner rather than later. If he were 25, things might be different.

He’s already made a giant commitment to you in buying a house and wanting to fix it up for the both of you. Make your intentions clear, and then let him do the rest. He obviously cares about you a great deal. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
2215 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry girl … What’s done is done but I owned a house with my ex-boyfriend too and thought that buying a house meant a proposal was just around the corner. I wish we had discussed that before buying the house! Because what was really around the corner was him changing his mind and walking out on me. I’m happier now a year and a half away from this situation.

A part of me wants to tell you you’re young you can wait but realistically, I kind of wish that I hadn’t wasted as much time on the wrong guy when I was your age. Four years and owning a house together, if he wants to marry you I don’t see why he isn’t marrying you, or at least getting engaged and taking 18 months or so for a long engagement. But on the other hand its not just that you’re young you have time, it may be that your guy just needs a little more time because he’s young too and it is worth waiting a couple more years.

Post # 11
684 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
katevonp:  The best thing to do is write down your thoughts and feelings and communicate them with him.

I agree with other PP’s just because you bought a house together doesn’t mean he wants to marry you. Talk about your timelines together.

Post # 12
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Definitely sit down together and discuss timelines. I had to do this with my SO around the 3.5 mark (after we had already been discussing marriage for a year and a half). He didn’t realize how important it was to me, and was really worried that he wouldn’t be able to afford a really fancy ring. He was relieved when I told him it wasn’t really about the ring, and the fact I just wanted to be married to him, I also said I would freak out if he dropped more than $1000 on a ring. 

Needless to say, ring is ordered, proposal is on the way. Open communication is key. We’re also pretty young (I turn 23 this year and he turns 25). 

Post # 13
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
katevonp:  you are 22!!!! And he is 25, but mentally he is 22. Women mature way faster than men.

dont pressure him into getting engaged. I have said this on others posts, and i will say it again, do you want him to propose bc he wants to? Or do you want him to propose bc he just wanted to shut you up? Which can possibly lead to a brolen proposal b he is really not ready for it yet. I know 4 years is a long time and its great you get on so well, but you have to ask yourself whats more important, him or an engagement. 

For me, i was with DH for 8 years before he proposed and i didnt care when we got engaged bc the truth is, we will get there someday. When that was, it didnt matter, all that mattered is that we were together and happy and on the same page as far as where the relarionship was headed. 

As long as you both agree that one day you will get married and you trust what he says to be true, than when he proposes shouldnt matter. Just be happy you have someone to come home to at the end pf the day

Post # 14
5081 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
katevonp:  This is a tough one. It’s easy for people who waited a long time for a proposal (but eventually got one) to say that you just need to wait it out. It’s also easy for people who were in similar situations and never got a proposal to say you are wasting your time (this is what happened to me). The situation is so individual, but I do think his delay has everything to do with him being 25, I think the house stuff is an excuse. Now, this could mean that he will be ready in time if you wait it out, or it could mean that he will eventually realize that he doesn’t want to marry you. Only time will tell. As these boards will show, buying a house discussing marriage and even having kids with someone doesn’t mean that they really want to marry you.

Bottom line is that you need to have a serious and calm discussion with him about this. Talk real timelines and express that you are not interested in an expensive ring or elaborate proposal, you just want the commitment. As everyone has said, you are young, you have time to wait (or even time to waste if it comes to that). I have the feeling that he is still figuring out what he wants, so be prepared for his answers to these questions to change over time. 

Post # 15
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sit down when you’re both not drunk and work out a timeline.  Both emotionally and financially.  Write down your feelings first.  Bring a calculator so you can make a budget.

This is your future.  You don’t need drunken conversations and tears and jealousy or year-long silences that build in to explosions.  You need to put on your big girl pants and have an honest discussion.  “Back in November I brought up marriage but I feel really silly for how I handled it.  This is really important to me, so I want to have a serious talk about it X weeks from now”.  It really is as simple and as difficult as that.  Don’t play childish games.    

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