4.5 years, a house, a child, no ring

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee

Why did you think he would eventually come around to getting married when you knew from the beginning he isn’t big on marriage? Did he tell you that he would?

Even so, there are too many red flags here. You have no idea what your own financial situation is, let alone his situation with the house. Thankfully it sounds like you didn’t sign any paperwork for the house.

If you can’t handle yourself financially, you have no business getting married. I’ll give him that. Although you supplied him that excuse.

He deflects the topic when you bring it up? Read the waiting section on this forum- posts like yours are a dime a dozen there.

I’ll give you the cliff notes if the waiting forum to save you some time: Girl, read the writing on the wall. He’s not going to marry you. He was never going to.

Have some self-respect and leave him.

And get your shit together financially- you should always be on top of your finances independently. You should never depend on someone else to know your situation. Please see a financial advisor if possible.

Post # 3
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - Massachusetts

In my experience, “soon” actually means “never” with these situations. This guy is not going to propose to you. I would move out of this guy’s house since it doesn’t sound like you’re tied to it. Is there any one in your family you could live with in the mean time to get your finances in control? That’s the most important part of this.

Sigh, it still baffles me how many of these men have children with women and don’t marry them.

Post # 4
Member
10859 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

neverbeenstungbee :  

Bee, to the good advice above, I would add that you may want to consider taking a personal finance course.  You have a child, you *must* learn how money works and you *must* become self supporting.  You will never have a healthy perspective on your relationship while you and your baby are financially dependent on your bf.

Post # 5
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

This is why it’s important to find out a parters attitude on things that matter to you BEFORE you make life altering choices like having a child or buying a house. If he didn’t like marriage before, why would you expect him to just come around? 

You are now going to change the course of your childs life because this man wont propose to you. Why didn’t you think about this earlier instead of just “hoping” it would change? smh.

 

Post # 6
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You don’t want a compromise though, you want him to completely change his mind in something he was upfront about. 

Why did you think he would change his mind despite being clear that he wasn’t interested in marriage?

Bee you need a dose of reality, you are a 34 year old woman with a child who can’t even take care of yourself. Being “bad” with finances isn’t a thing, it is just pure laziness to not educate yourself and continue to spend over your means. You haven’t had to deal with consequences and that pretty much makes you a dependent.  How can you act like an equal in this relationship when you have no idea what your bills are, or your finances related to the house, or your savings!!?

I think in some aspect you want marriage so you don’t have to deal with any of these things, but that will come back to bite you. A true compromise would be getting your shit together and being an equal partner, then going to city hall to get legally married for security reasons, not a big fanfare or proposal. 

 

blondie603 :  

Sigh, it still baffles me how many of these men have children with women and don’t marry them.”

Because not everyone values marriage, and that is totally valid. It sounds like he was completely clear about this for a long time, OP went into having a baby with him when she knew he didn’t want to get marriage and she acknowledges that he doesn’t want to now.  The flip side of your comment is why do some women take 50 no’s and 1 yes as a sign their partner actually wants marriage? He clearly never wanted marriage and that should be no surprise, however that doesn’t mean he isn’t committed to OP and doesn’t value their relationship.  Obviously it doesn’t mean he does either, but it the fact that he is financially supporting her says something at least.

Post # 7
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

Why can’t he just be straight with you?? He IS being straight with you – you’re just choosing not to listen.

You made some poor choices but you’re not stuck with them.  Make today the day you decide to turn your life around – your child deserves that!!! Be grateful you don’t own the house – you’re free to leave.  Do it.  Go home to your parents or some other relative and start to make a life for yourself.  It’ll need to be done in small steps and it won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Never again be content with not being the author of your own story. 

Post # 8
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

One thing I have learned so clearly from this site is if a man wants to marry you he will

NO EXCUSES , NO DELAYS

a man who wants to marry you will move mountains to make it happen 

So when your ready and have your ducks in a row leave or stay and know he’s not marrying you because he believes u are not the one 

Post # 9
Member
2914 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

whenwillhepropose :  if something happened to him today you and your kid would be out on the street with your hand out.  Being just his live in “friend” and baby mama, you have NO legal protections in place. 

I would approach the marriage subject from that perspective. While I suspect  you may be together more because of circumstances, rather than being the love of his life, (sorry!), he likely feels his kid is important and a priority. So get him to see what needs to happen (marriage) for the sake of his kid. 

 Ps time to get on your feet too and truly Adult!. Start working fulltime and save some money on the side.  Take a personal finance seminar. You owe this to your kid. Let that be your motivation if necessary….

Post # 10
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  yep, all this. You are an adult and a parent. You are responsible for your child. Get your finances together and act like the mature, responsible person that your kid needs you to be. 

Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You’ve been together 4.5 yrs, live together and have a child together.  He knows everything about you he needs to know and is choosing not to commit to you.  He won’t come around because he has already made his decision to not marry you.  If you can’t be financially responsible for yourself please do so for your child.  Talk to a trusted family member or friend who is good with money about a realistic budget on just your salary.  Learn what you need to do in order to be able to move out.  Since the house is in his name he could evict you and keep your child since you can’t financially provide for her.

Post # 12
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

whenwillhepropose :  Answering your user name–possibly never.

Based upon the timeline you’ve described you must have gotten pregnant quite early in your relationship. Was this planned?

Financial incompatibility is a major cause of divorce and while you say you’ll leave him it sounds as if you lack the financial independence to do so. Echoing PPs–take a financial management course. Look for more than part-time work. Check your credit score, build your own savings, explore your options for living on your own. 

Post # 13
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

lablover214 :  She is the one who is planning to leave over the non proposal, it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to evict her at all, just that he doesn’t (and never has), placed the same value on marriage as her. Which she has known all along.

It’s also likely that because of her foolishness it is going to be her that is taking *their child (it’s not only hers) away from him (at least some of the time). As far as I can see, OP is the one who has created the mess she’s in and is about to create more.

Post # 14
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

whenwillhepropose :  

Woman, I just read this post and all I felt was extreme frustration……at YOU!

he’s never been really into marriage but I always thought that eventually he would compromise – So you decided not to pay any attention to what he’s said and thought the marriage fairy would tap him on the shoulder and he’d magically change his mind?  There’s too many single mom’s in the world for you to believe babies automatically make men want to marry….you deluded yourself!

We have a house – well we built it together but it’s in his name – Explain “built it together”  did he buy it and you both furnished it or did you build it together from the ground up and the mortgage is in his name???  Why isn’t your name on the deed??? 

I’ve never had good money management skills.  This is willful laziness on your part and you lose major sympathy points with me on this because you’d be content to teach your child to live in such an unstable way!  I’d bet if your butt was put out on the street you’d acquire those money management skills with a quickness.  Stop being lazy, gain some independence and pay for a course.  

I have no idea what kind of financial position we are in.  Again willful laziness.  This money thing frustrates me the most with you because its a deliberate ignorance.

I’m just hoping someday that’ll be me.  Yep fantasizing instead of living in the real world and dealing will do the trick!  If a man wants to marry you there’s not a thing in the world that will stop him.  You already know this man won’t marry you.  You need to decide if you can live with it or not.

You sound resigned to being powerless when in fact you continuously give it away to this man who has yet to show you true commitment.  Your predicament is 100% your fault!  The good news is that its 100% fixable. Get thee to therapy so you can gain self love, confidence and own your 

Post # 15
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

Going by the info you provided a 30 year old woman got together with a young 24 year old man and got pregnant within a year. I’m guessing that may be the main reason you are together now.

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