4.5 years, a house, a child, no ring

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OP do you hear yourself? You think he is strategically lying to you about his intentions so you cannot make a decision that benefits you and not him. And you still want to marry him? He blows you off or gives you a vague promises when you ask him. How is that a respectful and loving way to treat your partner? 

I think you need to sit him down and say that you want to be married within a certain date or you are leaving. Of course only do that if you will actually leave. If you’d rather stay with him unmarried then leave him, then I guess there’s nothing else you can do but try to reframe your expectations. I don’t think he is going to marry you.

 

eta: also, I’d still very strongly advise seeing a lawyer to double check your rights under common law provisions. You may well be protected but extremely worthwhile investment to make sure. 

Post # 62
Member
6504 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I absolutely cannot understand why you would choose to get pregnant with a man who was never into the idea of marriage and then uproot your daughter’s life and separate her from one parent simply because he is the same person he has always been. That seems like really twisted “logic.”

And there is no compromise here. Either he capitulates and marries you, or you accept that he doesn’t want to be married. But you walked into this with your eyes open and now YOU are the one changing the terms of the relationship. 

Post # 63
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Bee, 

when did you guys obtain the home? Before the baby or after ? Regardless , it’s a red flag that he wouldn’t try to make a stable and healthy home for his child. Just by putting the house under his name , benefits him and only him. So he was ready to make a babe and  play housr with you but doesn’t want to do marriage. I don’t know, maybe is the underwriter in me but this is a high risk situation. Get yourself together and think thoroughly. He should be open about his financial ins and outs and where you stand in his life 

Post # 64
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You should have ‘fought harder’ to be on the title of the house?  Exactly how hard did you fight?  You contributed your assets and time in that house, all you should have had to do is say “I want to be on the title” and he should have said yes.

Exactly how did that conversation go?

Post # 65
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

So it’s good to establish that you are common law and therefore entitled to half the assets upon separation. If his name is only on the mortgage I presume that he’s only on title as well ? Why would you build a house with someone if you weren’t going to be joint owners ? I don’t understand the thinking on that. And to top it off, you sold your own asset (previous house) and put it towards a new property you don’t even own ?? Sheesh. 

Take control of your life Bee. sit down with him and have a clear discussion about your future and current state of your finances. If he’s not on board to make this a real partnership, then you have your answer. Walk away and he pays you out your half of the equity in the home (or you sell and split the proceeds) and any other assets plus child support.

Post # 66
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

mrss9 :  We dont know that she would be entitled to any child support or how the custody situation would turn out.

Post # 67
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

You sold off your own house to buy furniture for his house? 

I wouldn’t be as confident as you seemingly are that you could take half his assets in the event of a split. You should speak to a lawyer to know where you stand.

Post # 68
Member
6233 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

whenwillhepropose :  OP, I have some sympathy for you because you sound like my friend who does stuff like you described in your post. She jumps and makes impulsive  decisions in her life that aren’t well thought through and then ends up having to deal with the fall out from those choices (including deliberately getting pregnant when any amount of pausing to think would have told her that her timing and current circumstances didn’t support the choice).

To be uncomfortably blunt- you are not marriage material. I would caution any man in my life against marrying someone like you have described yourself to be. I would not marry you, based on how you have described yourself, nor would I put your name on any property I purchased. You could be perfectly lovely and wonderfully loyal, but you, under current circumstances, do not sound like someone to grow with. You sound like someone to struggle with, and I’m not interested in a marriage made of struggle.

Your lack of financial acumen is not insurmountable, but your casual dismissal of how serious it is for you to be a close to middle aged woman with a small child and no financial skills and no idea of the financial reality of your home and relationship is unacceptable. 

In your shoes, I would stop focusing on marriage and start using this time as a training to prepare you to live on your own (if you need to). You should be with your partner because you love him and want to build with him. Not because you are incapable of survival on your own. That is not a good look.

Let him know that you want to learn how the household  finances work. Ask him to teach you (and also start taking classes on your own). I started studying women and finance on my own 15 years ago because I was sick of being scared of my bills and avoiding looking at or even thinking about my money. But it was watching how my husband (and others around me who were good with money) actually managed their money (plus talking to them and asking questions) that actually taught me how to apply those lessons. Now I coach others to overcome their money management fears. It is absolutely doable and, with a child (especially a daughter) dependent on you and watching the choices you make in life, you need to make addressing this a priority. 

 

Here are some resources you can start looking into:

Sugar Mama TV on YouTube

Prince Charming isn’t Coming (book)

Barbara Stanny’s books and teachings

Sarah McCrum (website and classes)

Tiffany Aliche, the Budgetnista

wife.org (their tagline is “A man is not a plan”)

 

Good luck. I hope you will keep us updated on your progress.

Post # 69
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

You sound even more irresponsible with each update. Sound like you used this man to get what you want with no thought for him, your child, or your future. You wanted a child by 30 so when you were 29 you started dating some young lad who worked away most of the time, and convinced him to get you pregnant within months even though you admit you didn’t really know him. At least you picked a man who earns a lot and pays for everything for you.

 

I was 29 and I wanted my first child before I was 30. Because he was working away so much, I feel like we only really started to know eachother around the 1-2 year mark.

Post # 70
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

Why did you want a child before 30? Any medical or health reasons that made it necessary to conceive as early as possible?

Post # 71
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

Also, by having to fight to be put on the deed, do you mean you asked and he refused to do so?

Post # 72
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

Have you established any timelines or had a serious conversation with him recently?

Post # 73
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper

(Comment moderated for personal attack)

Post # 74
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

pocahontas28 :  Is there really any point in chastising her? What’s happened has happened. Saying such things is of no use.

Post # 75
Member
15 posts
Newbee

whenwillhepropose :  

Don’t give up hope! 

I recently got engaged after being together 9 years and 2 kiddos (8 & 5) later. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors