(Closed) 4.5 years and counting

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Him saying “I don’t know” when you asked him if he wanted to get married is really all the answer you need.  He isn’t ready, and probably won’t be ready any time soon if ever.  At 30 you don’t need to put up with this kind of BS.  He doesn’t seem to realize too that it is possible to get married and save for a house at the same time.  A wedding doesn’t have to be $25,000…a ring doesn’t have to be $10,000…it sounds like you are willing to compromise, but it also sounds like he isn’t looking for the commitment of marriage any time soon.

If I were in your shoes I would set a timeline with him…sit down and have a very serious talk about it.  Decide what would work for you.  If he doesn’t meet that timeline you agree on, it’s time to walk.

Post # 3
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

You’ve been with him for 4 years and he’s telling you he doesn’t want to be married to you.  Aside from him being irrational (why is he talking about purchasing property with you when he doesn’t want to marry you?), it sounds like he is just comfortable.  I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out if he changes his mind bee

Post # 4
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

He is telling you that he isn’t ready to get married. It’s better to wait and not force someone into marriage, than push for it and get divorced. Only you can decide if he is giving you everything you want in a long-lasting, loving marriage, in which case he’s worth the wait. If not, you should walk away.

Post # 5
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m sorry, Bee.  You need to make a few decisions.  How important is marriage to you?  How important is it that you are married in the next 2-3 years?  How important is your boyfriend to you?  He is definitely not ready for marriage.  In the next year or 2 he may become ready.  He may also decide that it is best for you both to go your seperate ways.  Personally, after being together for 4 years I would walk away.  I would hate to give him an ultimatum, but why should you sit around and wait for the unknown?  I understand that some people need more time than others with decisions like marraige, but it isn’t fair for you to wait around and commit so much time with someone who would rather focus on buying a house than improving your relationship (that’s my impression…I could be wrong).  If he could put his focus on improving your relationship rather than buying a house he may be able to make a decision on whether he wants to marry you sooner and I think that would be fair. 

Post # 6
Member
6936 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

From what it sounds like, the only reason you seem to want to get married is because others in your friend circle are doing it and you feel you’ve been together a long enough time. I may be wrong, but that’s how your post read to me. Are you sure you want to marry him? No relationship is perfect but you seem to agree with him that you two have several problems. 

Honestly, I could not be with someone for that length of time and be okay with an “I don’t know” answer about wanting to marry me. You should both know at this point. It makes zero sense for you two to buy a house together if you’re not even sure you’re going to be in this for the long haul. 

I think you need to really think about what you want and if this relationship is right for you. 

Post # 7
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

DO NOT buy a house with him before you guys are engaged…. made that mistake once…

Sounds like you guys are in different pages in life… are you sure he’s the one?

Post # 8
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t buy a house with him. If he wants one he can get one by himself. Decide for yourself if you want to stick around with some guy who may never come around to marrying you, because he sounds pretty wishy-washy to me.

If you want to stick it out with him, that is fine, but drop any expectations for marriage. If you want to set a timeline for yourself, that is fine, but be serious about it and prepared to walk if he is not willing or ready to get engaged by the end of it, otherwise you’re just wasting more time. If you decide you don’t want to waste any more of your time, get out of there and find someone who is serious about life, marriage and has similar goals (from the start).

Post # 9
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I would work on the issues in your relationship before you think of marriage any further. Even if he suddenly changes his mind about marriage, the issues in your relationship won’t just go away. Marriage will magnify the issues if you don’t work on them.

To me, just based on your post, it seems like you are more focused on getting married for the sake of being married than you are to working on your relationship. If you want to be with your boyfriend, you have to first take marriage off the table. Not only are you not in a place to have a healthy marriage, but also your boyfriend has told you he isn’t sure if he wants to marry you. You have to acknowledge that he may NEVER want to marry you, and then decide if you can live with that. If you can, work on the relationship, and once you are in a good place, then bring up marriage again.

Post # 10
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Get out. I was with someone for 5 years. I should have listened to what he was saying. I wanted to get married. He kept saying he didn’t know/didn’t want to. 

I wasted time with him. 

Post # 11
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
somethingbee :  I don’t think a woman should have to wait if she doesn’t want to.  Even if they’d been together just a year or a few months, after nearly 5 years he should know.  If she waits, she may be waiting forever and it sounds like he doesn’t want to at all.  When I had the conversation with my then Boyfriend or Best Friend after 1.5 years, I said “I want to get married!  Lets go ring shopping!”  And he said OK, let’s go next week and I was engaged a month later.  That’s the validation a woman should get from her man (and vice versa)

Post # 12
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Washingtonian :  Did you miss the part where I said “Only you can decide” if waiting is worth it?

Post # 13
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Out of curiosity, when he talks about buying a house, does he include you in his future? Such as saying “our house”, etc.?

Post # 14
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
katka87 :  He doesn’t seem to know what he wants. I wouldn’t put myself through anymore stress. He told you he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you, that’s enough for me to walk.

Post # 15
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

1.) He’s told you he’s “not sure” he wants to marry you after almost 5 years together at y’all’s age of nearly 30/30’s – it’s not going to happen.

2.) I didn’t hear one single good thing about this guy in your entire post. No saving grace, no reasons for why you’ve waited so long, only bad things. WHAT is in it for him to marry you? WHAT is his motivation? A lifetime of a passionless relationship with someone he has nothing in common with and with whom he constantly bickers?

3.) I’m having a hard time understanding why you want to marry this person, other than just to be married. Why would YOU want to marry someone you have boring sex with, having nothing in common with, and with whom you constantly bicker?? There are, like, zero good things there. 

4.) Absolutely do not buy a house with him. It sounds like a stalling tactic, not a move toward further commitment. Actually, you should never have moved in with him to begin with without first discussing his intentions. I moved in with my SO at 10 months because we agreed it’s a step toward becoming engaged, and agreed to discuss a specific timeline after we’ve lived together for a few months. If he had still been unsure, I never would have agreed. 

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