(Closed) 4 months after wedding…..husband wants a divorce.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

First of all, I think it’s terrible that you believe you’re the problem here. A marriage involves two people, and if that marriage starts to fail, it is because TWO people have a problem.

Your husband’s attitude is unacceptable. You are not his mother. If he wanted his mother, he should have set up house in her basement when he graduated high school.

While it does sound like perhaps counseling would help you handle your self-esteem and body image issues, it does NOT sound like those things are the sole reason you are struggling with your marriage. From what you have said here, it sounds like your husband gives you NO support or empathy at all. This is HIS problem. He expects you to be able to handle your job, your body, your happiness, and your marriage, without ANY assistance from him. He’s being incredibly unreasonable.

I would sit down with him and figure out exactly what responsibilities he expects you to handle in the marriage, and what responsibilities he expects to handle himself. If you find that the responsibilities aren’t balanced (for instance, why the hell can’t he do half the housework? Are his hands and feet broken?) then yes, you two do need to re-evaluate your relationship and see if there’s a way to make things better.

If he agrees to change, and really makes the effort, wonderful! I wish you both a happy future. If he’s uncooperative, cut him loose. You will be so much better off without him.

Post # 5
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He sounds so incredibly selfish. I get migraines too and my husband is very sympathetic, he even gives me massages and offers to do the housework for me if I dont feel good. This is what a loving, unselfish person does. He needs to put your needs before his and stop comparing you to his mother. I dont know how you could put up with someone so lacking in empathy. He is the problem, how does he expect you to manage a physically demanding job and all the housework when you are struggling physically? Does he do any housework? Does he ever do nice things for you? He sounds like a spoiled brat who is used to women doing everything for him and not complaining. The fact that he is talking about divorce only 4 months into the relationship is a huge red flag, he clearly lacks commitment and maturity. I would venture to guess that you are in a relationship with a jerk, and you might want to cut your losses and find someone who knows how to treat the person they are supposed to love.

Post # 6
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off, I am sorry you are feeling this way and in such a terrible situation.  Hugs… 

Secondly, did your husband communicate his expectations of what a wife should be to you before you got married?  It sounds like his lines of communication with you are wide open, and that he just wants a happy go lucky, spotless, baby filled house.  Did you know about this pre-marriage, and if so, did you think you would be able to do it?  

My primary suggestion is to quit your job.  Pronto.  Get a handle on your health.  If you guys need the money, try and lock down a replacement job before you give your notice, but at least take a health-related leave of absence.  I am sure you can find a physician to write you a note based on the strain, your hands, blood pressure, and migraines.  I am sure it will get the husband off your back about most things because then you won’t be so tired/headachy/unhappy from work, etc.  Plus you need the time to work on yourself and your home life.

Then focus on the depression issues.  Your husband sounds very unsympathetic, like he doesn’t want to hear about your problems; “just deal with them” kind of attitude.  So… let’s deal with it.  Individual counseling, maybe an anti-depressant to get the ball rolling, self-help tapes/books, etc.  Healthy exercise will help with the depression/body image as well.  

And finally, decide for yourself if you can be just like his mother.  That is what he wants, that’s what he hopes you can be.  If you can’t or don’t want to, then there probably isn’t much hope for the marriage.  With his old fashioned ideals, he isn’t going to wake up one morning as a reformed feminist.  Not gonna happen.  So, do you want to be Betty Homemaker?  Would you get personal satisfaction out of keeping the home, kids, and yourself in tip-top-trophy shape? (watch Stepford Wives for a visual example).  If not, then don’t take it personally when he verbally attacks you.  He is only attacking your inability to meet his criteria, which most of us would agree is highly unreasonable.  

I wish you the best of luck going forward, and again, please QUIT YOUR JOB.

Post # 7
Member
14445 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m running off to start my shift, but I just wanted to comment real quick on a specific thing you said that really stuck out to me:

This makes housework very hard to get done on the weekday, My husband desires a clean house. I know it gets frustrating to have to wait till the weekend to have the house cleaned.

Is he doing anything to help??  If HE desires a clean house, HE can get his ass to work too. Why is it your responsibility to keep the house clean??

 

Post # 8
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@pinkshoes: Exactly!  I completely agree with you.

I’m usually not quick to suggest that divorce, especially after such a short marriage, is the best solution.  But in your case, I would seriously think about it, for your own sake and sanity. You need to get away from this boy and his mom.  They seem like truly toxic people.

Even he saw that you were much happier without him? I think that is pretty telling. But he thinks he is not the problem? He is delusional.

Yes, get counseling. Not because he said so, but because it will help you to see things more clearly and to get your life back to where you want it to be.  Things probably won’t change over night. But I’m rooting for you and wish you all the best!

Post # 9
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am so sorry. But let me make something loud and clear to you!! You are not the problem!! Are you part of it maybe, but a marraige is a partnership. If he wants the house cleaned and you worked all day he can help. When you do it together it gets done twice as fast and its kind of a fun bonding experience. If he loves him mom so much then maybe he should have stayed living with her! You said yourself when you were not with him you were happier. That says alot about your sanity and the toxic relationship you are in. Im sorry that you married someone like that, and I know nobody likes divorce, but this could be a good option for you. You can go back to your happy self where you dont feel pressure from every aspect of your life. I think that it could be hard but it will be worthe it. He is so controlling!! And more than anything it sounds like he is very disrespectful of you, and thats no way to treat your wife.  I think that counsiling could be a good thing. Get a handle on your depression. Focus on getting yourself healthy and getting yourself happy again.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with all the ladies who have posted here, and let me tell you, I want to punch your husband and Mother-In-Law in the face for you!!!!  I made it very clear to my husband well before we got married (his mom was a sahm) “I am not your mother, and I will never be her. I work as well as you, so you damn sure better believe you will be helping me with housework. If you want to marry someone who takes care of you and coddles you, then I am not the woman for you.”  I mean, of course I will take care of him, but not in the drop everything, make sure the house is spotless and a full course dinner is on the table by 6 type of thing.

I have been having some health issues and unable to work, and my husband works his ass off everyday. Some days, I have no idea what to do for dinner when he gets home, and you know what? He never says anything ignorant, works extra hours to make sure all the bills are paid, and even asks me how I am feeling that day, all while busting his ass. He makes me feel so good, even on the days I feel like total shit, because even though he doesn’t understand, he knows its temporary

I think your husband is a huge ass, and you don’t deserve this. His mom needs to butt the hell out, and he needs to help you get better. Does he do any of the house work? Tell him the only way he is going to get what he wants, is if you quit your job and stay home full time, so that you can get your health back, start losing the weight, clean and cook, and start working on the baby making, if that is what you want to do. If not, ask him to send you the divorce papers once he draws them up, and get the hell out of there

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That was a long post.  I skimmed.  I just wanted to say re perfumes – talk to HR.  Some people are allergic to perfumes and if you have an issue with it, they should handle it for you.

Post # 12
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

OMG.  I felt like I was in the twilight zone while reading this.  So you are both working but he is bitching about wanting a clean house.  He needs to get off his ass and clean the damn house then.  That is insane. 

As far as this gem “Why? Because she is a good woman and you are not???”  If my husband ever said something this stupid I would tell him that since she is so good he can go fuck her next time he wants some action. 

I am sorry but your husband makes me so thankful to be married to a real man.  My deepest sympathy.

Post # 13
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

One more thing, why in the Sam Hill would you even be considering making a baby with the backside of a mule?  Seriously, why?

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@MrsFuzzyFace: holy hell,I almost spit my coffee on my computer!! That was awesome 🙂

Post # 15
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

First off the job: You are not in high school, these girls are not in high school. This is the real world. They can be fired. Go to HR. and then find a new job.

Your husband is acting like a teenage boy. He too needs to grow up. He doesn’t live at home anymore. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOM. Just because mommy wiped his ass when he was at home doesn’t mean you need to continue the trend. He is MARRIED and it is a partnership. He knew who you were before you got married. Did he think that you would magically become his mom? Did you know he was like that before yuo married him?

I totally wouldn’t recommend divorce after such a short amount of time, but he sounds like a jerk. His attitude is a problem. Tell him you’ll start losing weight once he pulls his head out of his moms ass.

You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. You DESERVE BETTER!

Post # 16
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@MissCallieJean:Tell him you’ll start losing weight once he pulls his head out of his moms ass.

Now I wish I would have said that! So, SO true

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