(Closed) 4 months after wedding…..husband wants a divorce.

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Ok first things first…you are NOT the issue here. The issue seems to be streaming from the fact that your husband wants to be married to his mother. He seems to have serious mommy issues.

You need to quit your job. I know that is easier said then done but if you can’t quit then you need to make HR’s life a living hell until they correct your work environment. It is against the law to work in a hostile environment.

Next, I suggest seeking some counseling for your body issues and depression. If you aren’t taking medication it may help as well. However, that’s personal choice. I only suggest because I take Lexapro nightly and it helps my anxiety and in turn helps my depression.

Lastly, I wish you tons of luck. But, part of me feels like you may be better off if he decided to go for divorce. I’m not saying you for sure should but with everything you said, you aren’t happy and he wants you bare foot and pregnant while holding a dust buster and that shits ridiculous.

 

Post # 18
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree competely with PP. I do have one thing to add.

My ex was verbally abusive. To the point where it was getting close to physical abuse. He had the same attitude of leave work at work. Once he went into therapy after I left him he relaized that he was not leaving it at work. He was bringing home all of those frustrations because at work they all thought he was the “nice guy”. He also sat behind a desk and I was laid off so I was home all day. He too expected a spotless house. I went through a severe depression where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I left everything to be with him and felt isolated and lonely. My family were all hours away. One of the biggest fights we had was reagarding how he thought I was a terrible mother because I didn;t stay the full time during one of my son’s soccer games. I went to look at puppies with HIS mother. He was trying to make me better than his own mother since she missed most of his sporting events growing up and ddi not keep an immaculate house. So in my case I was to be a better woman than his mother. Thankfully I got along better with his mother than he did…well until I left him and she felt I abandoned him.

The hwole point of my post was to say that he may not be keeping it at work like he states and is frustrated in that area and taking it out on you.

Post # 19
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

I have one question out of this. Are you truly overweight?  I mean, medically speaking? Because if you have body image issues and your husband is being a D*CK and asking you to lose weight, that combine could make you perceive to be when you’re just fine the way you are.

Post # 20
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Re: the cleaning issue – I’m going to share some words of wisdom my Mom gave me.

When my parents got married, they were only 20 years old, and had just moved out of their respective families houses into their own house. My Father’s mother is a VERY neat person, and he had never done any cleaning on his own. My mother is not a neat person – not dirty, more just disorganized. Early on in their marriage, they had a heart to heart about the cleaning/organization issues, and made a pact that they would never nag each other about them, and that if something was not clean to the other person’s liking, then it was their own responsibility to do something about it. My Mom does the best she can, and when the chaos gets to be too much for him, my Dad will go on cleaning binges – and to this day, they do not fight about cleaning. They will be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary next month.

Post # 21
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

YOU are not the problem.  You are working as hard as you can.  He needs to support you and try to help you instead of nagging all the time.  That makes it worse.  If he doesn’t like how clean the house is, tell him to clean it!  Are you doing anything right now for your depression?  If you’re not, you should.  You are important and you need to take care of yourself.  Excuse my french, but screw your husband and his judgments.

Post # 23
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@K_alecia  I’m glad to see that you’re starting the process of getting help.  If anti-depressants have been helpful, then I’m glad you’re going to seek those out again.  May I strongly strongly suggest that you also seek the help of a therapist, in particular one who has experience working with indiividuals who have eating disorders?  It sounds like many of your challenges tie in with the body image stuff, though I’m sure that unfortunately also feeds into everything else.

The reason I say this, and really hope you pursue the therapy in addition to the medication, is that my belief is that medication alone can RARELY “fix” whatever the challenge (s) are.  And I say fix in quotes because I know there is never a full fix.  Though, my belief is that medication can get one to the point where they’re stable enough to begin working through their challenges.  And though, like you said the anti-depressants have in the past helped you deal better with the big stuff, my concern is that it’s going to leave you with many of the challenges you’re having.  And most importantely, YOU taking antidepressants isn’t going to change the way your husband is acting.  And honestly, I think a reason it would be especially beneficial for you to go to therapy is that so you can regain inner strength to be able to communicate with your husband, and to really be able to articulate yourself and share things in the way you want to be sharing them, and essentially assert yourself so you can be treated the way you deserve to be.  And, that goes not just with him, but with anyone, including your co-workers.  And honestly, that won’t happen with medication alone.

I know ongoing therapy can be a bit pricey, though there are low cost options.  I’d be happy to help research if you’d need some.  Though please please, don’t use medication as your only option.  It’s a good first step, and I think it needs to be the first step into more support.  

Post # 24
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

View original reply
@K_alecia I know this might be hard to hear/read, but sometimes a divorce or break up is what is going to make you happy.

You only get one life – you have to live it to the fullest! You deserve to be happy, no matter WHAT that means!

Post # 25
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

First and foremost:

HUGS! HUGS, and more HUGS! You are not alone, and you are NOT the problem.

Sharing a relationship together needs a devoted couple to make it work, it’s not a one way street. I am not saying you have not tried, or anything of that sorts, but it really annoys me, when another person in a relationship tries to blame unhappiness on someone else, in this case it sounds like your husband unfortunately. I really feel for you and I know what depression can do to your own selfesteem, salf value, and self respect and how you perceive life and those you love. So. I am not the one to judge you or what you are going through. I just feel sorry for what you guys are going through right now, especially how he batters you verbally and “expects a clean house”… But none the less, it’s not YOUR FAULT! IT WILL NEVER BE.

There are reasons for things happening in life, be that weight gain, mental trauma, unhappiness, depression, living life hiding from the world. There is always a reason for why these things happen and that’s what you and him need to come to close with I think as well. What happened to you i(weightgain etc) is not what triggered this I believe, it could also be the outcome of something else. I was also a very very skinny girl with eating disorders and went voluptous (sz 18) in a few years, all the same time, always a very unhappy emotional girl. It wasn’t my weight that triggered the problems from the start. It was the outcome of the troublesand life events i went through. It’s not your fault! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!! I can’t emphasize this enough.. it takes two to make this work.

I myself have been through alot of counceling, medication and received help for my problems and severe depression many times. I would like for you to know, there is help, but not only for you, but for you both. In your first post it sounds like he has issues/problems that needs to be adressed as well. I am so thinking of you, and I feel for you. I want you to know, we are here to listen, help in everyway you can, but to receive counceling is something you have to do to go to the bottom of this.

That’s why we have professional help and medication for this. Please let us know how it goes.

 

Many hugs sweetie. <3<3<3

 

Post # 26
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

View original reply
@K_alecia 

Ok I just went back through your old threads and saw the link you posted to your wedding pictures. YOU ARE NOT OBESE. I honestly don’t even know how you OR he could think this. Maybe you are the heaviest you have ever been by your own personal standards, but YOU ARE NOT OBESE. You look great and I am mortified that he could look at you at that weight and act as though you are like 300 pounds. If you both agree you should lose some weight for your health, that’s one thing, but for him to bully you over your weight when you look like that? That is messed up and I don’t really know how else to put it. 

Furthermore, he is a complete juvenile when it comes to marriage. You don’t take vows that say “Til the house is messy or my mom hammers you down enough.” A MESSY HOUSE IS NOTHING TO GET A DIVORCE OVER. Hand him a Swiffer mop and a copy of your marriage vows and tell him to get a grip on his life. Honestly, he’s throwing in the towel 4 months into marriage because he thinks you could lose 20 pounds and should wipe his own ass for him. I don’t know what to say. 

Post # 27
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m so glad you are taking steps to get yourself some help.  I’ll echo what PP have said, I don’t understand why he can’t pick up around the house.  Marriage is a team and you’re supposed to support each other and pick up the slack.   I also don’t get why you’d want kids with this guy, especially if EMPATHY is what he lacks most.   

I guess I also don’t get that it’s only been four months.  Did he just wake up one day like this?  I mean you had to know some of these were big time issues prior to getting married.

Like I said I’m so glad you’re getting some help for yourself.

Post # 28
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@ohheavenlyday I agree!! I just looked.

 

You are BEAUTIFUL! You are not obese!!

<3

Post # 29
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

What the hell! He needs to stand up to his mother, NOT compare you to her, and clean his own damn house! He should be helping you every step of the way, not giving you orders. You’re maybe better off without him.

Post # 31
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

View original reply
@K_alecia  Hugs to you.  If I were you I would get in my car.  Go to where he is and have it out.  Make a scene if that is what it takes, but I would be damned if I would sit there and let my marriage impload silently.  If he really wants out, lets get it out in the open.

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