Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2019 - Virginia
Yep so my wedding is in four weeks and my 9 year old flower girl (my DH’s niece) now has blue hair.
I’m didn’t say anything about it when I saw her. I could tell it was a set up just to get a reaction out of me; and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me get upset.
I know it was a set up because when I brought the flower girl dress I had ordered over to their house for her to try on My Future Mother-In-Law was sitting on the porch and Future Sister-In-Law was standing at the front door. She quickly took the dress from me and quickly closed the door so I couldn’t come in while my fiancés niece and other Future Sister-In-Law already were inside.
So I pretended like I didn’t just have a door slammed in my face and I sat on the porch with Future Mother-In-Law and tried to small talk while I waited for her to try on the dress. But the whole time my Future Mother-In-Law was snickering and giggling to herself so I knew something was up.
Then my fiancés niece came out to the porch with the blue hair and the dress on. My Future Sister-In-Law said “She isn’t changing her hair back for the wedding” before I even opened my mouth. I just looked at my Future Sister-In-Law and said “I was going to say anything about her hair” then I asked the niece if the dress was comfortable and how it fit, etc. she then changed out of the dress and gave it back to me so I could steam it and I left. The whole time my Future Mother-In-Law and FSILs were looking at each other and cracking up. I felt like i was back in grade school again surrounded by mean girls.
I just came on here to vent. My future Mother-In-Law, and 2 future SILs have been so rude and difficult to me this whole process. Their only involvement with the actual wedding was the niece being the flower girl. Other than that they are just guests, and they still managed to make that whole process difficult (examples: all of the dresses I picked out for flower girl were wrong/my light gray wedding color is stupid/l was a bad guy for ordering my wedding flowers without “talking to the niece first” and letting her choose her own flowers (I order everyone white roses, that I got a deal on) then I was told “don’t you dare tells us what we should wear” (which I never even brought up w them) then they claimed to have been “shut out by me” when they heard my mom and aunt got dresses in the same color as the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, and I should have included them)
I am in no way a high maintenance bride this will be a very budget , small wedding. And honestly, it wasn’t the blue hair that bothered me, it was the snickering and the way my Future Sister-In-Law snapped at me that the hair wasn’t changing before I even said anything.
I’m just comepletely worn down my their BS and I still have a month of their shenanigans left to go before the actual wedding.
For the record, my DH wanted to elope specifically because he thought his family would embarrass him. But I always wanted a wedding and I wanted my whole family there so he went along with it. Now I see why he wanted to elope….
Post # 2
Hold your head high and ignore them like you would grade school bullies. How pathetic do you have to be to pull these passive aggressive, mean tactics? That’s right, they are pathetic for not just being a normal family and being happy and contributing to the happiness of the day.
i would still talk to your Fiance about all this. Even just to keep him appraised of everything that is going on and so he knows your feelings. Also, try not to be alone with them… try to always have him there so they have to do this in front of him.
Post # 3
Well… blue hair isn’t a big deal. Especially for a small wedding. But I do think you’d be within your rights to tell her mom that she can’t be your Fg unless she dyes it back to a school appropriate color. And that it would really bum you out because you were looking forward to having her.
Post # 4
That poor little girl, if they are using her in their nasty little tactics.
If no one reacts, they’ll feel mighty foolish.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2019 - Southampton, UK
Shame on them for being petty and trying to sabotage your wedding for their amusement, and double shame on them for using a little girl to do it.
You did the right thing by not reacting. Next time you see the flower girl, gush about how pretty her hair is! And just keep ignoring those assholes.
Post # 6
I’m sorry, this is completely ridiculous. If I were me, I would ask her to step down as flower girl, seems that they don’t want her to be involved anyway.
Post # 7
I’d have probably made a comment like ‘wow awesome hair, my mum would have never let me dye my hair that colour when I was so young’ in a way that highlights this is a poor parenting choice without actually saying anything negative. Regardless of your wedding, I can’t imagine school are happy with that particular choice at 9 years old.
Don’t let them spoil your day. They want a reaction, so don’t give them one, or give the opposite reaction to what they want.
Post # 8
Dying your hair is not a big deal. It’s something people-even children- get to decide to do as part of having co took over their own body. You sound like you have a lot of expectations about how others should let you make choices for them about how they present to the world.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Good on you for not reacting. They sound like nightmares to deal with and I’d limit my contact with them. If something needs to be dropped off, let your Fiance do it. Phone call to them needs to be made? Let him make it. I wouldn’t kick the flowergirl out because she’s being manipulated by two adults who should be better than that but clearly aren’t. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were the ones who suggested she dye her hair and the kid didn’t come up with the idea at all.
Post wedding, I’d be cutting contact. Set hard boundaries now because they will walk all over you guys otherwise.
Post # 11
Asking your 9 year old niece to step down as flower girl will only punish your niece.
The ILs are cravin a reaction from you, and kicking a little girl out of your wedding would be that very reaction. Good on you for having a poker face. I agree with another PP about simply complimenting her hair the next time you see it, if only to solidify to this young child that her mother and grandmother’s manipulation tactics are childish and not working, as well as to bolster her confidence. Additionally, I agree with PPs on having your husband do the communication and coordination with them from now on.
Post # 12
OP, they sound like a couple mean girl bullies who are so immature they will stop low enough to use their child/grandchild against you. The best thing you can do is ignore them, compliment your nieces hair and hold your head high.
Post # 13
They sound like assholes. Now that the flower girl dress is worked out, (and since they aren’t in the wedding) they should have no need to contact you for anything between now and the wedding. Let your Fiance deal with them.
I would spend the next month doing ALL the self care so I was looking and feeling so glorious and radiant on my wedding day that they would spontaneously combust at the sight of me walking down the aisle.
Post # 14
First of all, that color probably won’t last 4 weeks. Unless they do it again she’ll probably just have a tint that won’t be very noticeable. I can also tell you that color correction is the easiest thing to do with photos. Your photographer can make her hair go from blue to normal in no time so don’t worry about that.
But your problem isn’t that poor girl’s hair color, it’s your relationship with your in-laws. You are within your right to speak up. Not to change the hair color, but to put an end to their bs. Make it clear that this is the first and last time you’ll ever tolerate this type of situation. With the wedding, or anything else. From now on if they disrespect you there will be consequences. Bee, make yourself respected now otherwise these things will keep happening and might get ridiculously worse.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2019 - Virginia
hey it does not sound like you read through my post. I said I wasn’t bothered by the blue hair, I was bothered by the way my Future Mother-In-Law and FSILs acted toward me (i.e. slamming the door in my face, snickering, and her tone of voice).
I dont know where you gathered that I expect people to let me decide “how they present to the world” in fact, if you had read further you would have seen that they were mad at me for NOT telling them what to wear.
Sorry for your confusion.
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2019 - Virginia
Thank you! Your right the hair isn’t what I’m worried about. What I’m worried about is my in laws.
I’m really not sure how I could have stood up for myself in that situation without having it the story being manipulated into me bullying a 9 year old. Which is why I didn’t.
You are right though. I need to change the situation quickly.