4 years 5 months no proposal

posted 5 months ago in Weddingbee
Post # 2
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sammiebee19 :  Why doesn’t he pay towards your mortgage?

Do you know how much credit card debt he has and what kind of progress he’s made on paying it off?

Post # 3
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

I completely agree that he should live up to what he’s saying. It’s not fair of him to be stringing you along with “Oh, I just want to finish this one thing….” and then one thing turns into a lifetime of excuses. I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him about what you want and where your life together is leading.

Does he have a spending issue? It seems like getting that kind of money regularly would enable him to chip away at his debt and help you with the bills.

Post # 4
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You know the answer to your issue. You be told him what you want out of life… kids and marriage. He hasn’t given it to you and doesn’t sound in a hurry to do so soon. And you aren’t getting younger. 

Further, you’re with somebody who has so much debt in his 30s that it doesn’t sound like he’s pulling his weight or could afford a wedding, honeymoon, ring and family. 

So why are you still investing in the relationship ?

Post # 5
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Do you still love him?  If so, give him time but communicate your expecations.  There is a difference between begging him to marry you and being clear about your expectations even if you have to repeat it.    Also maybe do “Budgeting with my Boo” it’s an online course offered by the New School of Finance and it is a great way to plan financially together towards mutual goals.  It requires full financial disclosure of debt vs. assets.  If he is unwilling to disclose his finances to you, that would be a red flag for me in terms of trust and future building.  

 

If you don’t love him anymore, think like a lawyer.  You’ve got a free contractor, and sex that works with your busy schedule.  I’d keep him around while pursuing my own interests, life, and social circles and if you meet someone else (not suggesting you LOOK for someone else, just mean if you meet someone else you’d be interested in), ask him to move out.

 

Do not let him start contributing towards your mortgage unless you are going to marry him.   I would also probably make him sign something that indicated that the contracting work he was doing was in place of rent, just to make it clear that he is receiving consideration and couldn’t lien your house (for example) if he moved out.  

 

Post # 6
Member
1233 posts
Bumble bee

sammiebee19 :  he sounds like he makes good money but somehow can’t pay off debt because he’s working on your home and living rent free? He sounds like a selfish mooch. Definitely do some soul searching and see if you really want to be with him. 

Post # 7
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - City, State

He has a full time job making ok money plus will make $20k from Insta over two months. When you say massive credit card debt is this money he’s bringing in not significantly reducing that debt? Being in that much debt at his age unless it’s for a really good reason would concern me 

Post # 8
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee

You need to bring it up again. All you are doing by not bringing it up is wasting your own time. You don’t have to be chasing him by stating what you want. Just give him a heads up of YOUR plans. He wants to be a part of them great! If not your moving on and he is moving out. Give him a timeline of say 4 months. He doesn’t propose in that time than he needs to move out bc the relationship isn’t working for you. Nothing wrong with having that kind of self respect. He has had enough time, he needs to decide. But please please don’t just stay hoping he will eventually propose. Having your time wasted is awful. 

Post # 9
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Listen, I know how men operate, he’s going to keep giving you excuse after excuse because secretly he’s probably afraid of a serious commitment like marriage and is comfortable with the way things are. One day you are going to look up and realize your time has been completely wasted because now you are too old to really do the things you wanted to do such as have children, trust me you don’t want to know that feeling. You seem to be very intelligent, you know what you need to do and you don’t even need us on here to tell you that. Personally I would give him a ultimatum (i.e a reasonable timeline) to at least come up wth a serious proposal, then if not you know where you stand. If he truly loves you he wouldn’t risk losing you. A wedding does NOT have to be expensive nor does a ring, THAT’S JUST SOMETHING OUR SOCIETY HAS CREATED. there are plenty of people whom get what they can afford at the moment then sometimes years down the line they might upgrade to a better ring or a larger wedding to celebrate. Think on that.

Good luck bee.

Post # 11
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

MsJ2018 :  That is not “how men are” atleast none of the men I know. If you wanna marry someone, you do it. If you don’t, you don’t. The whole concept of commitment issues seems like a convenient excuse to stay in a relationship because it’s better then being single.

sammiebee19 :  Usually if someone is making an excuse not to do something, it’s because they don’t want to do it. I mean, do you really wanna be with a guy that isn’t 100% in it all the way? I feel like you can do way better then this and if this person was actually committed to marriage, he would have asked you to marry him.

Post # 12
Member
2812 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Uhhhhh… I think the bigger issue here is that the man you’re looking at tying your life to has massive credit card debt that he’s struggling to pay down despite having a healthy income and paying no rent/mortgage… What the fuck is going on with his finances????

Post # 13
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

pantsapocalypse :  maybe none of the men you know, but there are alot of men that do behave that way. Just because YOU don’t know any men who act that way doesn’t mean they don’t exist, because they do, some women too. That really seems like what’s going on in her situation and the commitment excuse IS an issue as I stated in my entire post.

Post # 14
Member
2812 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

MsJ2018 :  I don’t think she was saying that NO men are like that… but your initial comment came off as you saying that MEN are like that. No, they, as a group, are not. SOME are, not all. That was the point… I’m with @pantsapocalypse here – most of the men I know do not behave that way at all. 

Post # 15
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

sboom :  Well you can you can be with her, my opinion is my opinion and I’m sticking to it. That’s why it’s called an “opinion” you all are entitled to yours and I’m entitled to mine.

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