Post # 1
Member
28 posts
Newbee
I’ve been with my SO for 4 years now and he has yet to propose to me. We have had MANY discussions about our future together and he has said he wants to marry me and will but has had issues with jobs and his financial situation. We are in the process of buying a house (with the majority of my savings) and I said we won’t be moving in until we are married and it looks like our closing date will be March 2016. I have basically given him a polite ultimatum in that I will move into the house by myself if there is no proposal by this time.
Whenever a friend gets engaged, I get jealous and sad thinking that I am not as special as my friends because they have dated their SO for 1.5 to 2 years and here I am at 4 years with nothing on my finger.
I can’t help but get upset and when my SO asks what’s wrong – I tell him, then he gets annoyed/upset.
I just feel like if it was his priority to marry me, he would have found a way to get a ring and propose…
Post # 2
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
aabyqf: My SO proposed about two months prior to our 5 year anniversary. He asked for ring preference and size about a year before. He took six months to plan my proposal (secretly). Sometimes I think they take their time trying to make it perfect and special. My SO got a bit annoyed with me if I got too specific and crazy while he was planning it.
Is there a reason for him to think that he won’t be able to buy you a “good enough” ring?
I think you should hold to moving in alone if that’s what you want.
Post # 3
Member
28 posts
Newbee
ads2016: I think he wants to be able to buy the ring in cash, which means he has to save for it. Another issue is that he always helps his parents out by giving them money and this makes it difficult for him to save for things like our house or a ring. It’s frustrating. I think moving in alone might have to happen…
Post # 4
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
I’m in the same boat, 4 years and a 2 year old son but no engagement or marriage.
Did both discuss your desire to be married before purchasing a home together before you went through the motions of purchasing a home? Or was this brought up recently after to offer was made and closing date set? You say the majority is f your savings, is he contributing? If so, I think it’s unfair to now say he can’t move in until you’re married… Heck, that’s 3 months away! That’s a lot of pressure!
i can completely relate the jealousy but you have to remind yourself that your relationship is different and unique and you can’t compare. We have so many friends who’ve gotten together and married within the span of our relationship and it’s tough! If he’s still struggling financially, men aren’t usually going to jump on the boat and get married until they feel they can support themselves and their wife.
Good luck bee, I know being patient is tough (oh trust me, I know). Maybe sit down and have a real at length discussion about BOTH of your wants and needs.
Post # 5
Member
28 posts
Newbee
herbanlove: We used to live together from March 2012 to Oct. 2013. We moved out and back in with our parents because I went back to school. During the time I was in school (just finished earlier this year) I told him that we should not move back in together until we were married so he has been well aware of this plan for the last 2 years now. We always spoke about how we were going to get married after a year of being together.. but it never happened.
He contributed a very very tiny amount towards our home but yes, it is a lot of pressure.
Thank you for those last two paragraphs! That was very helpful because yes, our relationship is different and unique. Good luck to you too!!! 🙂
Post # 6
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
I assume you and your SO have been living together for a while and sharing your lives, but if you’re not on the same page regarding commitment that’s going to create some serious resentment on your part. You can’t make him propose, and your plan to move into the house yourself is reasonable, provided you realize that it may be the end of the relationship. Given these circumstances however, it would be unwise to buy a house with him.
Post # 7
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Does he think that you will want to get married immediately after you get engaged? Perhaps he is thinking of not only the ring costs but then the whole kit and caboodle for the wedding. Maybe – if this applies – reassure him that you’re ok with having a small wedding since money is tight?
Post # 8
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
Waiting is so tough, makes you feel like you’re in limbo! Just try not to focus on all that other stuff that every one else is doing! I’m the middle of helping one my best friends plan her wedding in 5 months (she’s been with her Fiance half the time I’ve been with SO) after sitting around ogling all the wedding stuff with her it makes me very stabby towards him! Lol.
Has he given you any timelines? Maybe that would ease your fears and angst a bit to know what’s *really* going on inside his head.
Post # 9
Member
28 posts
Newbee
AussieEncore: We have spoken about going to the JOP, but he quickly shuts the conversation down when I ask if this was what we are both committing to. I just want to marry him and be his wife and am not concerned about having a big wedding.
Post # 10
Member
28 posts
Newbee
herbanlove: He hasn’t given me a timeline, I only gave him one. I think if i were to ask, he would get upset with me… I may have pushed the marriage envelope too hard and have to take a step back. 🙂
Post # 11
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
Well, after 4 years and in the process of purchasing a home (congrats on that btw!) you are certainly not wrong to ask him what he’s thinking as far as marriage goes. I think many of can relate with “pushing the envelope” 😂. I finally told my guy “look, I’m not staying your Girlfriend for the rest of our lives soooo… Wtf is going on? I know you’ve said you’d like to, but realize I’m not spending next couple years waiting and wondering. You know I want to get married, you know it’s important to me. I will not bring it up again, but do not mistake that I won’t still be thinking about it <daily>”. I haven’t given a timeline or ultimatum because if I do he’s going to be resistant to being “bossed around” but I think it’s paramount they know you want to get married, it’s important to you and the why of why it’s so important to you.
Post # 12
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
aabyqf: Totally understandable wanting to pay outright. Have you considered “alternative” rings like sapphire, moissanite, etc? Those are generally a bit less expensive.
Since he lives with and gives his parents money, could they agree on a set amount each month to help cover expenses? Then he might be able to have a better saving plan.
It’s frustrating for sure! Maybe see if he has a timeline in his head or what he plans on doing when your house closing is if you’re not married.
Post # 13
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
Buying a house is a huge commitment for someone that can’t commit to your future or openly have discussions about it. Why buy a house together?
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This reply was modified 5 years ago by
mordoria.
Post # 14
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
aabyqf: My SO & I have been together for almost 8 years. I have been in serious waiting mode for the last 3 years. I feel that this may be the year that he proposes and we’ll be married later summer 2016. But I’ve come to realize that my relationship is not my friends and I can’t base mine off of there’s. A couple friends are working on marriage #2 in the almost 8 years we’ve been together. We have a GREAT relationship and I’ve had to learn to just enjoy what we have and let things happen as the will.
Post # 15
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper
Is he giving his parents money while he’s living there to contribute toward utilities, food etc? As a grown man this seems reasonable. But it also raises several questions:
If he’s living at home (even paying room & board & even if part of this time is as a student) it would seem to me he’s had time to save for a ring- unless you’re wanting something expensive & elaborate, which I don’t sense here.
If he is giving his parents money on a regular basis, is this above and beyond shared living expenses? If so, are there extenuating circumstances, like a serious illness or injury, sudden layoff etc? Or are his parents constantly dysfunctional or entitled? Because unless there is some kind of dire situation or we’re just talking about room and board, his parents shouldn’t be a continuous drain on his resources while he’s left without savings or a down payment on a house. If it’s the latter scenerio, it’s not likely to change after marriage.
If you have paid most of the down payment and plan to move in on your own if he doesn’t propose to you, is the house solely in your name? Because if you’re both on paper, the situation could get messy. It’s one thing to say you won’t purchase a home with someone without engagement or marriage, but it’s another to begin purchase and then put the brakes on it sans ring. I do agree with your plan to move in on your own, I’m just wondering if starting the home buying process with him will complicate things further.
p.s. he shouldn’t be getting pissy when you bring up the topic of your future together.