(Closed) 4 years and no proposal

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
aabyqf:  What happens if March 2016 comes and goes with no progress?

Post # 17
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

My best advice is to enjoy your life with him without the proposal. I drove myself crazy for a while because I had no proposal and others who had not been together for as long we’re getting engaged. Agonising over it will only hurt you, and trying to hurry him up will only push him away. 

If he knows you want to be married, and he does too, just take a breath and trust him. My guy took me to Italy and asked on our fifth anniversary in a beautiful villa in Tuscany. He brought a ring with him all the way from New Zealand to ask me with, then we bought a ‘real’ ring in Sienna. His perfect proposal absolutely made up for the wait! Good luck! 

Post # 18
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t buy a house together with mostly your money.

Don’t buy a house together with mostly your money.

Don’t buy a house together with mostly your money.

Don’t buy a house together with mostly your money.

Post # 19
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I can totally understand your frustration, it bugged me when I saw people getting married before us who were not together as long as we were, it felt like I’d been cut in line for a proposal. Even though I knew it was illogical to see it that way, it still hurt. Just keep in mind that there is no rule that says “if he doesn’t propose after X years, it’s not happening,” even though other people can make you feel that way sometimes. If he can’t financially swing the ring you want, why not get engaged with something simpler that you can upgrade later?

Post # 20
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would be very wary about buying a house with someone using the majority of my money if they weren’t willing to commit to me. What would you do if he doesn’t propose by March? Or if he doesn’t propose by the end of next year, or ever? If his name is on the title of the home then half of it technically belongs to him – meaning if he decides he doesn’t want to get married or keeps pushing off the idea of proposing and you decide to leave him (it sounds like it’s a pretty big dealbreaker to you) he’s also walking away with half of what you put into the house.

The only way I would buy a house with someone before being engaged/married would be if I was comfortable with the idea of not getting married at all, because there is no guarantee he will ever propose. In which case you have this major financial tie to someone you may never end up marrying. If you’d be content to move in and just enjoy being together then great, but it sounds like that’s not the case so I would be rethinking purchasing the home until you are both on the same page. 

Post # 21
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee

OK so if he contributed a “very very small amount” to the house- can you give him that $ back and not let him sign the final paperwork on the house? PLEASE DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH A MAN WHO WON’T COMMIT! If he signs those papers he has rights and you will have a HUGE headache, possibly future legal trouble. It’s happened to more than a handful of my friends, not one of them are happily married today.

Post # 23
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

Do you have a prenup? In NZ after I think 2 years you’re a legal couple so same procedure as divorcing re assets. Talk to a lawyer perhaps. 

Post # 24
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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aabyqf:  It depends on where you live but assuming only your name is on the house and he never lives with you (while unmarried) he likely wouldn’t have any rights to the home. If he lives with you for a certain period of time and you are legally considered to be in a common law marriage he would have rights in that situation – at least thats how it works in where I am (Ontario Canada). So you are smart not to let him move in without a proposal if that’s a dealbreaker for you in the relationship. 

If you’re only going to put your name on title of the home and he won’t be living there with you without a proposal you should be doing enough to protect yourself, but it wouldn’t hurt to consult a local lawyer or even your real estate agent to get some more information for your specific area! I’m glad to hear you are being smart about it and protecting yourself 🙂 

Post # 25
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

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ann.reid.9277:  giiiiirrrrl.  I was about to write that. Thank you For saying what we are all thinking. I see red flags everywhere. 

Post # 26
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

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aabyqf:  i think it is great that you’ve saved and can buy your own place. It may sound petty, but if I were in your position, I would take MY money and buy MYSELF a house. I would not even give the impression that it is a joint purchase of decision. If he gets pissed, remind him that the privilege of joint decision making is reserved for your husband. And right now you have a boy friend. He can’t have it both ways. Either he commits and gets the benefits of that commitment, or he prioritizes others first and so do you. 

I say often that I am very old fashioned, but it works for me. So this is just my two cents. I just get pissed when I see post after post from lovely bees like you, agonizing as you wait on boys who have commitment issues. Men are not that complicated.  They do exactly what they want, when they want.

He may have a plan in place to propose any day. And he may not. Trust him and love him as he is, but keep moving forward with your life. Another bee said that he may have a great plan going to propose soon. if that is the case, then when you get married you can address the issue of the house And merging lives. 

Post # 27
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

You are in the process of buying a home together but it’s mostly all your savings?  There is no way I would do that with someone that was unwilling to commit after 4 years. You may want to rethink this one more time befre it’s too late. 

Post # 28
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

Are you buying the house in your name or is it both of you buying the house together? Are we talking a significant down payment or a couple grand? (I’m not saying percentages because based on where you live 20% could be the price of my house lol).

If marriage is important to you which it sounds like, I would be very concerned about co-owning a home without the proposal. On the flip side its possible he is getting irritated because he has it planned and you are pestering him and he wants it to be a surprise and not sound like he’s doing it because you keep asking…. who knows.

My SO won’t marry me and I knew that going into the relationship. However, I own the house, I own the cars, etc. 98% of the time am okay with that. I like the security that everything is mine lol.

 

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