Post # 1
Please be gentle, I am hurting very badly right now and don’t want to talk to family/friends right now.
BF and I have been dating for close to 4.5 years, happily for at least the last 4 years…We live separately, both mid-40, I have kids in school in my town. We have a lot in common, enjoy travel, concerts, music, etc. At the 3 year mark things were going really well and I brought up what the timeline is for marriage…backtrack to our first date and BF said he’s not against marriage but after a bad, short marriage it’s not tops on his list. Fine. Over a year ago I was ready to set a walk date, but gave it more time because I love BF and knew he was saving money to get me a ring, he told me so. I sent him some ring ideas and gave him my ring size. Went through the holidays hoping for a proposal that never came. It was depressing but I was in school and working FT and just thought i’d give it a few more months because I had a lot going on otherwise. FF to 2 weeks ago, and I brought the topic up again, asking if the timeline has changed, etc. BF asked me to send him a few more ring ideas and I completely lost it…I told BF i’m not sending more ring ideas just to end up back at square one and if he was serious about this then why did he not ask me about it before I put him on the spot.
Today we spoke on the phone for the first time in a week. BF said that he is scared to get married again (the first time he’s actually said this to me, his first marriage lasted 3 years) and that he’s already committed to me and so forth. I told him that is all well and good, but that I told him the day I met him that getting married to the man I love and creating a family with him was my desire and I believe in the institution of Marriage and that we are not a family without that piece of paper. Maybe that’s harsh but it’s my belief. He said he loves my children and that he isn’t going anywhere but I just (again) lost it because now I feel the past 15+ months have all been a lie. It shouldn’t be this hard to get someone who says they love you and can’t be without you down the aisle.
He was upset and said he can’t see throwing the last 4 years away when he loves me but that he’s scared to take the step. I told him that he’s making me feel worthless and that the past 4+ years mean nothing and that it’s hard for me not to feel like I have been just someone to pass time with until something better comes along. Someone please talk some sense into me…..
Post # 2
Have you discussed the idea of living together, meshing your lives together? That would also be a good step to deepen the relationship and make it more committed. A lot of people who have had a crappy marriage and leave it scarred say that they would never remarry but would be happy to live with someone and share a life together. My aunt is one of them. She has been married before and always said that she would never do it again. Now at age 56 she and her boyfriend/partner have been commonlaw for 12 years and they are happy. Could that be an option for you?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Honestly if you believe that marriage is vital for your relationship then I wouldn’t compromise on that. You made this clear long ago. Living together is a step but if its a step that doesn’t end with I do’s then you’ll only end up frustrated and feeling as you do now, like you’ve compromised your beliefs but its been a waste of time. This is from someone who had a short and somewhat crappy at times marriage that wasn’t keen on remarrying. If a person has flat out told you they feel your relationship is fine and fulfilling enough as is then 9 times out of 10 that won’t change. If you decide to stick with him you’re doing so with eyes wide open knowing it likely won’t end in marriage. Compromise is fine for a lot of issues but I don’t personally feel that a relationship with one person gung ho for marriage and the other anti is ok.
Post # 4
I totally relate, in so many respects of that story. Fiance was very open from the beginning about his hesitant to remarry and I was very open about my need for “the paper”. He got to a point where he felt stuck in his progress toward being ready, and began seeing a therapist. Would your BF be open to that? I started going at the same time (diff therapist) to work on my anxiety and expectations.
To backtrack a little, we saw a therapist together before moving in together last year. Living together was an important step for him toward getting engaged. We mostly worked on issues related to his ex’s meddling ways in those sessions, but I do feel like it set us on the right track with how to successfully merge households, communicate w our kids (we each have one) etc.
Needless to say, we are big fans of counseling and it’s been very positive for our relationship. We got engaged a few weeks ago and the best part was that he got there on his own, not because I pressured him into it.
Good luck!! Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.
Post # 5
there are a few factors why living together just isn’t going to be the way for me to go, I have children in HS/Middle and I don’t feel right about a live-in relationship. Thank you for the advice, and I’m happy for your aunt.
Post # 6
3 years is more than enough time for a man to figure out whether he wants to marry you or not. In this case, he doesn’t. So unless you are happy to settle with maybe living together with him but not married to him, then you should walk away. Then if he really doesn’t want to lose you, he will step up and do everything he can to let you know that he is serious about marrying you. If he doesn’t step up after you walk away from him, then you’ve cut your losses and can invest your remaining time on the man who genuinely wants to marry you.
Post # 7
You don’t need me to talk sense into you, you have plenty of it. Good that you aren’t living together, that will do nothing to make him want to get married.
Tell him to grow a pair. If he can’t see that you are not his ex, he is blind as well as stupid.
Post # 8
Absolutely . Fuck ‘scared’ -what does he think will happen to him ffs!
Post # 10
I’d walk. If he wants you, he’ll propose. Hugs.
Post # 11
I don’t like that he seems to have strung you along a bit by doing the whole “give me your ring preferences” delay game. He knew all along that he was ambivilent, yet led you to believe that a proposal was imminent. That’s selfish and cruel. Being “scared” because of a 3-year bad marriage is no excuse for his waffling. I came out of a 10-year marriage and my BF from an 11-year relationship (we are both in our early 40’s) and neither of us had any trouble committing or envisioning marriage. He’s not my ex-husband, and I’m not his ex-girlfriend. I understand being flat-out against marriage, but protesting that you’re too scared in your mid-40’s is ridiculous. Good luck, Bee.
Post # 12
He asked for ring ideas then said he was scared? I would also be livid. Can you guys go to a couples counselor? I think that may be what is needed here to crack through that.
Post # 13
I know you’re hurting right now and I don’t blame you, but major kudos to you for not letting him appease you with looking at yet more rings when you’ve already been there/done that and he didn’t take action on it the first time. You were upfront from the start about what you wanted and what was important to you, whereas it sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear. I’m so sorry Bee, it was selfish and unconsionable of him to do that to you.
He says he’s ‘committed to you’ already (on his terms only- not legally, and most certainly not on your terms and he damn well knows this because you were crystal clear on what your terms are). If he’s now claiming he feels committed to you already and is scared of marriage, then WTF is he doing telling you to look at rings?
Now he’s trying to tell you he ‘can’t see throwing away the last 4 years’. Sweetie don’t you dare let him put that on you!!! The nerve of him to mislead you and hurt you then act like you’re going to be throwing away ‘four years’. You’ve told him all along that marriage is important to you, that he’s made you feel worthless and unhappy- so HE will be the one throwing the last 4 years away, not you. He’s the one who misled you and played the ‘my ex made me scared to commit’ card.
I know it’s hard and it hurts, but in your shoes I would make a near-future walk date. If he hasn’t kept his (original) promises to you by then, please find the strength to walk away from a man who has proven to you his word isn’t good- otherwise it will become five or six years you’ve thrown away on someone who doesn’t mean what he says and is selfishly willing to hurt you to string you along. I would love to be proven wrong and have you post a happy update telling us he’s kept his word, but at this point it sounds like he’s all talk no action. 🙁
Post # 14
You might want to talk to him about the reasons his first marriage ended, and how those issues do not apply to your relationship with him, and talk about his concerns regarding marriage.