4 years of him saying 'soon'

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

I can’t believe you have stayed this long. He doesn’t want to marry you. If he had the desire it would have happened years ago. If he does ever marry you it’s just to appease you. Every day you waste with this man is another day putting off finding someone who is enthusiastic about spending his life with you. 

Post # 17
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think what we all are saying is that you need to own up to your role in your current predicament.  His actions and words were obviously clear that he didn’t want to marry you, hell he doesn’t want to commit to you at all.  That you choose to ignore that is 100% on YOU.

Own the fact that it is YOU making you miserable and then you’ll understand that you are the captain of you own ship and you dictate where it sails.  And if that metaphor goes over your head then understand this……YOU decide what happens to your future.  YOU decide to stay or leave….no one else makes that decision for you. 

If you want to stay the perpetual girlfriend that’s fine but stop pretending that you’ve been somehow victimized by your SO’s lack of action.  The bees aren’t buying it and no one held a gun to your head and forced you to stay.  Learn your worth and maybe things will change for you.

Post # 18
Member
5309 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry, but how can you stay in a relationship for 7 years, let alone have a child(!) with someone like this? Your instincts for self-preservation need to be honed because they’re completely shot. He’s telling you in every possible way that you’re not important to him. When are you going to hear it?

Post # 19
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

The Christmas thing is making me mad, and I’m not even you. He wanted to get you hyped for a ring when he knew the watch, while appreciated, wasn’t what you were hoping for. How shitty. 

Post # 20
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

Setting you up with the jewellery shop bag was a rotten thing to do.

Don’t waste another minute of your life on this POS.

There are so many good men out there, get rid of this loser and go find one of them.

Post # 21
Member
10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

What do you mean he won’t let you leave? If you were his family and meant everything to him he wouldn’t be doing all this bullshit. You are the one not letting you leave.

Call a lawyer to help you sort out custody and child support and stop wasting your time with this guy. 

Post # 22
Member
7847 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
kirsten77248 :  ‘he won’t let me leave’  ???

I agree w/ PP. Leave what? 

You do not want the same things. Is he paying child support? Does he play a significant role in parenting the child you share? I’m usually one to advise trying everything you can to work things out when there is a child involved but there doesn’t seem much point here. Leave him and find someone who wants to share a life with you, Bee. 

Post # 23
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Girl are you sure you and your son are not the second family for this dude? Anyway he is not acting like he wants to marry you at all. Your guy is even worse than a lot of the other Waiting threads I read on here, because he’s not even trying that hard to lead you on–I mean y’all don’t even live together after 7 years and a child. Yeah time to dump him. Your life won’t even change that much since y’all already don’t live together. 

Post # 24
Member
14040 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He was up front with you. He does not want to get married. You’re trying to force him into something that he doesn’t want. You resent him now, but if you succeed, he’ll resent you. This isn’t a healthy relationship. Cut your losses and move on. 

Post # 25
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

I think sometimes these boards are too harsh in some waiting threads, but not here. He doesn’t even live with you and you have a kid? I don’t think he ever plans to marry you and has stayed with you to avoid you pursuing child support payments. A lot of guys move in by the 3 year mark sans kids (and even well before then) – its actually convenient. I can’t imagine him refusing after a child wtf. 

Post # 26
Member
2989 posts
Sugar bee

How does he parent if you guys are together but living separently? How do you split up parenting, is it 50/50 or do you spend most of your time together? I wouldn’t want to marry someone just for that reason. 

Post # 27
Member
1672 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

The good news is that this will be easy for you to get out of physically.  You own your own home and don’t live with him.  File for a temporary parenting plan and child support and move on with your life.  You should not be treated this way. Don’t let tour love for him get him a break on his financial obligations.   You’ve Ben setting for scraps for way too long.  Time to take action!  There’s a man out there that will love you and your boy!

Post # 28
Member
8283 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

You have a 4 year old and don’t live together?! That’s the most commitment-phoby thing I’ve ever heard of. He’s not going to marry you so really you need to decide if that’s a deal breaker. 

Post # 29
Member
2046 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
kirsten77248 :  Oh bee. I am so sorry. I can see you love him a lot. I can also see that you have willingly allowed yourself to be lied to and stuck your head in the sand because it’s really painful to see this situation for what it is, and he continues to lead you on so you continue to hope that it will all work out in the end. I’m so sorry, but it won’t. 

Please listen to the bees. You need to open yourself up to the fact that in order to heal and move on, you need to actually FACE what is happening. It will be painful. It will hurt like hell. But it’s the only way to be happy. 

This man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to marry you. I know you don’t want to believe that, but it’s true. You need to stop listening to what he is ‘telling’ you and instead watch his actions. Does he do anything for his child? I would not be surprised if you do the majority of the parenting. I would also not be surprised if part of the reason he is keeping you on the hook is so he won’t have to pay child support. He has it pretty nice right now – a loving woman who is available when he wants it, a child if he wants it, almost none of the responsibility. The ability to do his own thing, whatever it is, without you there to see. Another bee mentioned that you might be a second family…I couldn’t rule that out, but not knowing how much time he actually spends with you I think there is a possibility that you aren’t the only woman. 

You could have left this man years ago. By now, you could have been over the pain, started dating again, met an incredible man, and you could have been part of a loving family and HAPPY. Instead you chose to stay with this man, and wasted years of your life on him. You can’t get those years back, but you can choose to not waste any more time. 

In an ideal world, you would read these responses, realize what you have been giving up and avoiding all these years, and break up with him immediately. You would get court-ordered child support and visitation. You would cry, and complain to your friends, and box up all of his things. You would feel lonely and miserable. But then you might take up a hobby you are interested in – maybe learn French or take a cooking class. You might spend more time with your friends. You might go back to school. You might start dating again and you might meet someone great. 5 years from now you might be in a completely different place – married to a man who loves you and your son, regained confidence in yourself, etc. Your future is what you make of it. 

But I worry that in 5 years your bf will have finally thrown you off in favor of someone else, or you will still be in this limbo, unhappy and still feeling alone. I hope not. 

Post # 30
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

I thought I had seen my fair share of weird relationship dynamics so far but this situation still got me.

Why would you even want to marry him? He’s joking with you.

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