(Closed) 5.5 years, 11 months into my own SIUP–Where's the ring?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: To bring it up, or not to bring it up
    It's ultimatum time : (24 votes)
    22 %
    Sleep on it for a few months until the storm has passed : (74 votes)
    67 %
    Mums the word : (13 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    376 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

    A hand should never be forced. An ultimatum is a horrible idea, even if he DOES see a married life with you, a person shouldn’t feel forced to make that decision. I know waiting sucks, specially after seeing so many people wait less, but I think you should wait until the summer passes. You say the “stress” will end in the summer, but he might want to enjoy stress freedom a bit longer than after the summer.

    This IS a decision that affects you both, so it SHOULD be a conversation. I say, instead of ultimatums, have a conversation after “the storm” passes and then a couple of months after. The conversation shouldn’t be “Do it or I’ll leave you.” It should be “Why haven’t you? I’m not happy. When do you see us enagged? Within 2, 3 or 6 months? A year?” Ask him for SOLID answers, not “a couple” of months or years.  And if you see that he has no solid answer and you HONESTLY can’t live with the wait anymore, you have to ask yourself, can you walk away?

    I have seen many amazing relationships turn into horrible marriages over ultimatums. I mostly hang out with guys, and I hear them say they found “the one”, they want her as their wife, but the wait is shortened by the partner, and even though they DID want to marry, they felt so obligated to do so they didn’t enjoy being engaged or married at all 🙁 

    Post # 3
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I don’t think you should force it, he is obviously very committed to you and wants to marry you. But if he’s going through a lot right now I think you should understand that and maybe just wait until his career move has settled…and if it still hasn’t happened by the time your birthday has passed I think you should bring it up to him and express how the long wait has made you feel. Just try not to think about it too much, time flies 🙂 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1309 posts
    Bumble bee

    I gotta say, I think the SIUP thing is dumb. I understand not going on and on about wedding stuff if you two have discussed it and are on the same page. But it doesn’t sound like you are. Sooooo what’s the point of being quiet about it? So that you can suffer in silence while he decides what your future will look like?

    No thanks. You’re both adults. Discuss it like an adult. If he gets angry, or doesn’t want to, then that’s a clue that you need to reevaluate the relationship. 

    Relationships really shouldn’t be that difficult. You shouldn’t be “shutting up” about anything to your partner if it’s important to you.

    Post # 5
    Member
    618 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I vote to let the career settle first, the poor guy is probably overwhelmed. I do think its okay to bring up at some point considering it’s important to you, but wait a bit longer.

    Post # 6
    Member
    239 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I say give it a little more time!

    Post # 7
    Member
    1291 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

    I’ve never understood SIUP. If you want an adult relationship which includes marriage, then you should act like adults and talk to each other. Obviously, if you’ve had the conversation and then he needs time to comeup with funds, you should leave it alone, but if you never have the conversation, how can he know how you feel on the matter? Talk to your SO, you’ll never know how he’s feeling, and he’ll never know how you’re feeling, if you don’t.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4260 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2009

    Wait until after summer, and then have a chat again.

    Post # 9
    Member
    184 posts
    Blushing bee

    I would two months and then have a conversation in which he needs to get on the same page or let you know what he is thinking.

    Post # 10
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee

    I understand how you feel, but it sounds like you are putting a ton of focus on outside opinions and pressures and are letting them affect your emotions. They need to mind their own business and relax! you are still young! I was with my Fiance 10 years before we got engaged and we’ll be married at age 28, and we’re still on the younger side compared to my other friends getting married. 

    Enjoy living together, and the “earlier” stages of the rest of your lives together. This time is so exciting: knowing this is the person you will spend your life with, knowing you’re about to take that next step.. Enjoy it rather than overanalyze.

    Post # 11
    Member
    595 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    ElephantAndTheFlea:  this. We had a HUGE discussion one night at the end of last year about the things that would make us happy/where the relationship was going/where we wanted to go as people. he wanted to move overseas and I didn’t want to do that before getting married. we then decided to get married and when that would be, however he didn’t want to ‘get engaged’ just yet. I don’t understand why that’s such a hurdle but whatever. We picked a date and started planning the wedding, paying deposits and getting rings made (wedding and engagement). The plan was for ‘the proposal’ to happen on a holiday this May etc. As it turns out, the country move happened before the holiday, the holiday got cancelled and so we’ll ‘get engaged’ later this year once we have the rings. He is the one who wants to do a proposal because as far as I’m concerned, we are 100% engaged- our rings just need to be bought over to us So we can wear them! Maybe our ‘engagement’ isn’t a romantic story, but it came from having a very open discussion with each other and planning our futures based on that.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1890 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think you should wait on bringing it up until his stressful work time has passed, you know it’s not going to happen until after that’s over. Then, bring it up with him, but lightly, to feel out what he’s been thinking, not to give an ultimatum. It sounds like he will be ready pretty soon, just not on your exact timeline.

    Post # 13
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: Barbados

    I feel for you bee. You and I are in the same boat.. the boys are making all the right noises at just the right times that we feel it’s going to happen but it doesn’t. That being said I agree with the other girls and you should wait to have that conversation until after the summer. Let his job settle down & have some relaxing times together and HOPEFULLY you won’t need to have that conversation with him! ❤

    Post # 14
    Member
    98 posts
    Worker bee

    I don’t think you would be forcing his hand. He loves you and if he wants to marry you he’s gonna do it anyway weather you keep bringing it up or not. I prob pestered Fiance a bit but we were together 10 years and while he was ready, he was just lazy about it. 

    If he’s gonna do it he’ll do it whether you bring it up or not. Talk to him maybe he’s just lazy about these things like my Fiance ☺

    Post # 15
    Member
    1357 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2027

    Hold on just a little bit longer. It really seems to be coming very soon. And who knows, the weddings may place him in a very romantic mood and if he’s able to surprise you then it may be more joyous than you imagined.

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