(Closed) 5.5 years, 11 months into my own SIUP–Where's the ring?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: To bring it up, or not to bring it up
    It's ultimatum time : (24 votes)
    22 %
    Sleep on it for a few months until the storm has passed : (74 votes)
    67 %
    Mums the word : (13 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 16
    Hostess
    3844 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    From your description, you are about 24/25 and your SO is finishing grad school? I’d give him some time. My SO became my Fiance last year, 7.5 years in when we were 26 and we’ll get married at 27. Is it really a big deal to put it off another few months or a year if you know that your SO is excitedly doing it on his own?

    I’m not sure that the things you’ve noticed count as “signs,” I had been asked by his family/friends when we were getting married for years before it happend and he got my ring size before he even started saving. We got engaged about 6/7 months after he told everyone that he would be proposing to me “soon.”

    If I were you, I would wait until the grad school stress has passed and then have a conversation about timelines. I encourage you not to do the whole “I want to be married at 26 with a 2 year engagement so get on it!” but to have it be more of a “hey, I know I want to spend my life with you and want to make sure we’re on the same page. Do you feel ready for marriage? If so, what timeframe are you looking to get engaged?” Vague answers like “soon” wouldn’t work well for me, but “by the end of 2016” or “by summer 2017” would be concrete enough in my opinion.

    I know it’s stressful to wait, I’m not diminishing those feelings. All of my close friends got married to people they had met after college, when Fiance and I had been dating since we were 18. It was tough, but it ended up working out perfectly for us 🙂

    Post # 17
    Member
    9595 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    there’s something between an ultimatum and silence! Just say ” what’s your deal? you made it seem like it was happening soon and it hasnt. I’m not happy to be strung along. Make some moves”

    Post # 18
    Member
    1587 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I would try to hold out for a little longer. Summer is a beautiful time for proposals, and he could already have something planned. I would say if he hasn’t popped the question by the end of the summer, I would initiate a conversation then. I’m currently waiting too (though not as long as you have been!), so I feel your pain. It’s something that can really consume your mind if you let it. Just try to focus on other things!

    Post # 19
    Member
    3307 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    The SIUP is incredibly stupid and sexist. You shouldn’t be expected not to discuss your own future for fear of scaring your partner. I’d go with what MrsBuesleBee: said, and tell him in a straightforward fashion that you’d like to know what’s going on. Sitting there and being quiet is only going to result in feelings of resentment on your part and inaction on his.

    So far as an engagement not happening during a “very stressful career moment “, please. Life is full of stressful moments. That excuse just doesn’t fly. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    5916 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I will make you a deal- I’ll be rooting for you if you don’t use the word ‘organic’ unless you’re refering to food or gardening. Pretty please. 

    p.s. talk to him. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    272 posts
    Helper bee

    MrsBuesleBee:  I’m with you. You just have to talk to him and see where he’s at. Whether it’s an answer you like or not, you’ll be relieved you talked to him.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1420 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    MrsBuesleBee:  I am in this Bee’s camp. Find a time when you are both relaxed and enjoying each other company and just subtly bring it up. Don’t make a fight of it or anything but you should be able to ask him about anything.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1951 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I’d definitely agree with PPs: have a calm, rational discussion with him. Let him know that an engagement/marriage is really important to you, and in that discussion work to set a concrete timeframe. I absolutely empathize with you in that it’s hard to wait. My fiancé was really similar in that he of course wanted to get married and he knew he was going to propose, but the conversations we’d had previously about timeline didn’t register with him the way I kind of interpreted it. Once we had a conversation to get on the same page, I was a lot more calm and he had a much better idea of my – expectations, I guess? how important it felt to me to be engaged? Anyway, he got more excited/proactive too. He bought the ring shortly after and proposed a week after it arrived.

    Post # 24
    Member
    5889 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    somethingborrowedsomethingblue:  I think you have two options

    1) Have an honest conversation with him about your feelings.  This doesn’t have to be an ultimadium.  YOu can just say, “when I look at the timeline, I would like to get engaged by the end of this summer.  What do you think?”  Or, if it’s true, you can say, “We’ve been together for more than 5 years and I’m ready to get married.  If you aren’t also ready to get married, I think it’s time for us to end our relationship.”  That’s an ultimadium, but if it’s honest it’s not manipulative.  You should be able to be honest with each other.

    2) Option 2 is to keep silent and hope he just proposes.  The benefit of this is that you get to feel liek he did it with no prodding from you, which I guess allows you to feel like it’s more genuine?  I guess? 

    I think you should communicate with him.  I HATE HATE HATE how women are disempowered by the proposal.  Why is it all in the man’s hands?  Why is it taboo to ever bring it up?  It’s so stupid.  I hope that one sided proposals go extinct, and soon.

    Post # 25
    Member
    498 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    It sounds like you’re surrounded by people who find engagement and weddings very important and that is pressuring you – if my family started comparing engagement rings I’d find it very odd. 

    You are young and committed, don’t worry too much. However there is no shame in having an honest coversation, if he tries to brush off as he wants to suprise you then think about if you really want a suprise and let him know. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    1602 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I was in the same situation. Together for 5.5 years, and I was so desparate for a proposal. In fact, I waited all summer hoping that every date/occasion would turn into it. But he waited all the way until late November. I remember those feelings of waiting and going to friends weddings and getting jealous of them 🙁 But it seems like he really loves you and does see a future with you, he is just planning it his own way. No need to have another conversation, it will come (and it seems like soon). Just enjoy each others company for now, and keep your obsessing for the bee and pinterest boards (god knows that’s what I did – my weddingbee account saved me while I was waiting lol) 🙂

    Post # 27
    Member
    2572 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

    Honestly, to me it sounds like your bf is really stressed and has a lot on his plate. I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask so much of him during this time. If he has a lot longer to go before graduating, I would understand. But it sounds like once the summer has passed, or maybe even early fall. I think after he is 100% done with school and if possible, has found a job, it is fair to ask for a timeline. 

     

    Men want to do one thing at a time, and as archaic as this sounds, they want to make sure they can provide. Once school and a job is taken care of, men start looking to make the next step. I was in the same boat and noticed my boyfriend wasn’t as interested about marriage until he graduated. He actually graduated in June and a week or two later he mentioned us ring searching. I would just relax and let things fall into place 🙂 

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