(Closed) 5.5 years, 11 months into my own SIUP–Where's the ring?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: To bring it up, or not to bring it up
    It's ultimatum time : (24 votes)
    22 %
    Sleep on it for a few months until the storm has passed : (74 votes)
    67 %
    Mums the word : (13 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 34
    Member
    302 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I say don’t worry about SIUP. I don’t believe in this. I also don’t believe in ultimatums. I was in a similar boat as you but the relationship was way, way, WAY longer. I always made clear my needs, but never threatened–I would have walked away before using manipulation. Sometimes my very upfront discussions regarding marriage made him nervous, sometimes not, but I wasn’t that worried about having an uncomfortable talk because it was important to me. Also, some life stuff happened that made him realize now was the time (no, I did not give an ultimatum, sometimes things happen that put life into crystal clear perspective).

    He did propose last month, and now we are engaged. I am very happy about the way things worked out. I say do what feels right in this relationship. You know the dynamic–trust your gut. Almost anything goes, but no ultimatums.

    Post # 38
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee

    I feel as though I’m in almost the exact same situation as you and all I can say is please don’t give him an ultimatum. 

    I’ve been with my partner for 5.5 years and have been I guess ‘hardcore waiting’ for around a year and a half. 

    I’Ve waited for him to establish his business and get settled with that and now I feel as though it’s just around the corner as I found him browsing for  jewellery designers online recently… 

    A few people I know have given their partners ultimatums and while it may get them what they want initially, it can breed a whole lot of resentment and anger over time… I’ve actually seen this occur a couple of years into the marriage  and its not pretty. 

    It it sounds like he is committed so it’s best to try and be patient. If you’re concerned maybe try and calmly discuss it with him but in my experience it rarely stays calm on that subject. I’ve also been told ‘soon’ and have been now waiting almost a year, so I understand your frustration completely. 

    Good luck with the wait, I hope you find your oddly calm waiting self after the initial long angry stage like I have. I guess I just keep telling myself that it will be worth the wait, lets hope so! 

     

    Post # 39
    Hostess
    3868 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    You’re welcome! I know the waiting period can be stressful, but I think it’s important to just be straightforward about what you’re thinking and find out where he’s at. His feelings and readiness matter just as much!

    Post # 40
    Member
    5154 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    somethingborrowedsomethingblue:  Ultimatums are horrible ideas. Why do you want to FORCE someone to propose? You need to decide if you want to continue waiting (and honestly you seem pretty young – how old are you) or if you want to leave him. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    somethingborrowedsomethingblue:  No problem! I know I definitely had “wedding fever” because of friend’s marriages/engagements and also because of the amazing things I saw on Pinterest 🙂 

    Post # 42
    Member
    221 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    SIUP is all well and dandy if you’re both on the same page and just want to give the topic some space.  But if you aren’t on the same page, and it’s so distressing to wonder what he’s thinking and when it’ll happen, I think there’s nothing wrong with asking him.  In fact, it’s the best and most logical choice.  You can even tell him, “Hey, I know you’re stressed with grad school right now, so I understand if you want to wait a few months to get engaged, but I’d really like us to get on the same page about when we hope to get engaged, and then get married.  What are your thoughts?”  And then, as other bees said, don’t accept a wishy-washy “Soon” or “in the next few months.”  If he says something like that, say, “Okay, so in the next few months — like, by September?  By October?  When?” and so on.

     

    There are ways to communicate without delivering ultimatums.  Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

    Post # 43
    Member
    4252 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    So here’s the thing…I’ve been with the guy who talks about marriage and our future and kids.  We had our wedding party AND first kid’s name picked out.  Actually looking back I was banking on him being my forever, so much so that I worked extra hard to be the “perfect” girlfriend (ewwww).  He talked about it CONSTANTLY so I thought for sure that meant we would be together.

    Well…3 years into the relationship and things went downhill pretty fast.  Actually there were signs fairly early in the relationship that it wasn’t the right one, but I ignored those signs.  I thought “oh he talks about it so he will make it happen”.  Well we ended up breaking up…  Then after kissing too many frogs than I care to admit, I met my now husband, who I knew wanted marriage eventually, but didn’t start talking about it until he was seriously thinking of proposing.  We knew we wanted the same things, but we didn’t talk about marriage and our future as a couple until about a year in, and he was the one who brought up the conversation.  Sure enough, a month later we got engaged and 8 months later we got married.

    I tell my stories here not to make this about me, but to prove to you that when guys want to marry you they do.  They make sure it happens.  The fact that you have been sitting on this for almost a YEAR forcing yourself to not talk about this…hate to break it to you but that is not a sign of a healthy relationship.  That actually indicates the opposite.  You are a team.  You are part of this relationship too.  In a team he would make an effort to listen to how you feel, which does not sounds like is happening now.

    Post # 44
    Member
    25 posts
    Newbee

    Be open and honest with him 

    Post # 45
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee

    As my Mom used to say,”Why buy the cow if the milk’s for free?” Give him an ultimatum. If he says, “No”.. Leave. There is somebody better 4U out there.

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