(Closed) 5 and 1/2 years and still waiting

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I read your entire post and I want to say that I’m sorry. I gather from reading that you are about 25 years old now?  I think you are right in giving yourself a secret timeline. I’m wondering however, is he very involved in your son’s life? You will be connected to this man forever now because of your son but if you don’t get your proposal, you really must also consider your happiness. You are too young to think that this is the ONLY man for you. He should be able to commit already if he loves you and bottom line is, if he doesn’t want to commit now — Well, WHY ! And more importanly, will he ever want to commit to you or does he NOT really love you? I want you to think hard about your decisions. This is the rest of your life you are talking about.

Post # 5
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ugh! I can feel your frustration. However, I never take kindly to guys that use money as a reason they can’t. I guess I’ve always felt like, if you want something bad enough you make it happen.

And seriously, where would he be financially without you? living together and splitting the bills is the cheap way to live, but that should never be the reason.

Just enact Mr. Bees 3 ways to get him to propose. 😉 But seriously you have to at some point make him be direct with you, ask him questions he can only answer yes or no to. If he continues to be indirect and give excuses, I’m afraid there’s not much hope. 🙁

And stop pushing your date back. That’s just going to torture you more. Have a heart to heart with yourself about your time line and stick with it. You’re too young to let this keep dragging out – you only get one life!

Post # 7
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

The one thing that really worried me when reading your post was when you said that that night he told you he didn’t love you anymore…

I mean, you need to think about it… you have a SON with him… is there greater commitment than that???? He can’t be more committed to you than he already is (whether it was a planned child or not)… if he hasn’t proposed in 5 years, why would he in the next months?

I know it must be so difficult but you need to think of yourself and of your son…. You can’t make this guy love you, as much as you try…. so i agree 100% you should give him a deadline, but why wait until May???? that’s another YEAR you’re going to waste with him, if he says no. You’ve been together for 5 years!!!!! If by now he doesn’t KNOW he wants to marry you, then you need to ask yourself what does that mean?

Post # 9
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I feel like if you have a SON, why does he need to wait another 10 years or so to get married? If he knows you’re the one, you have a son together, and are committed to each other what would being married really change? Everyone needs their “me” time, whether it be a night out with the girls (or boys) or a hobby. I’m suprised you’re so willing to be patient, though I understand how much you care about him. Honestly, it doesn’t seem like he really WANTS to marry you. If he did, he’d ask, not say that he’s not going to ready until he’s 40. If I were you I would carefully evaluate the entire relationship and see if it’s worth it. Do you really want to wait another year, or two, or three, or four or more and then have him admit that he just doesn’t want to get married?

Post # 11
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

What do you mean by “he does say it’s me?”

Also, you’re saying you’ve told him if he doesn’t propose soon and you’ll leave. He gets upset but hasn’t actually DONE anything to make sure he doesn’t loose you. Actions speak louder than words 🙁

Post # 13
11 posts
  • Wedding: December 2015

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for 8 1/2 years, and living together for about 2 years. We also got togther when i was only 19 and I realise that we have been together for a very long time, and sure I have days when I think HURRY UP, but essentially I was very young when we got together and I would rather have him in my life and not be married to him, than to not have him in my life at all.

I think that having a child is a much bigger commitment and as such, I can totally see why you are so frustrated! However, just imagine your life without him for good. I am in no way condoning him screwing you around like this, but just throwing another angle in here.



Post # 14
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Totally agree with MrsBtoBee about choosing next May as your deadline…. especially considering the fact that this isn’t the date you’re giving him to propose to you by, it’s the date you’re giving him to discuss the time of your proposal by. So, say he discusses it with you, tells you he’s going to propose by X date, then X date rolls around and, gee, he doesn’t have a ring for you since he’s still too afraid to marry the mother of his child… what then? That could potentially be another couple years from now, and you’d be stuck exactly where you are right now.

In My Humble Opinion, the getting married when you’re 40 thing is, pardon my brutal honesty, an utterly ridiculous way of saying, “I absolutely do not want to get married.”

He needs to understand that he has broken your trust in him. You trusted him to love you, take care of you along with his son, and to marry you. He has broken your trust in all of those things. Emotional trust is everything in a relationship! I really, really would not take his word on anything he “says” about getting engaged again. I would leave it at, “I will only know that you want to marry me if you are on bended knee with a ring.” And if that were to happen, it needs to require a very SHORT engagement — you are not wanting an elaborate wedding, you are wanting a marriage. He should want that too! With a three year old son, that’s really not too much to ask.

Honestly, if it were me, I would be scared to death of wasting my time waiting for him to propose, then marry me, only for him to call everything off again at the last minute. Really, if it were me, I probably would have left him after he did that the first time. I just would never again feel like I could trust anything he said and would be constantly thinking that he would leave me or divorce me even if we did end up getting married.

I just think you and your son deserve so much better! A dedicated family truly committed to one another is something that every child needs, and everyone should be able to have a partner they can trust. Keep us updated and continue to vent whenever you would like!! ((hugs))

Post # 15
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

littlemissmango you just about wrote my post for me. I would also like to add what’s gonna change when he’s 40 that will make him realize he’s ready to commit? So he’s essentially saying he needs the next 17 YEARS to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Uhmm thats nonsense! Esp since you live together and have a child, what more does he needs to put in place for marriage that he doesnt already have to do for his current commitment he has with you.

I understand you love him and I’m not doubting he loves you, But you need to stand up for yourself and your child. If it’s a strong family foundation you want you need to step it up say its this is what you want. And if he can’t give you then you need to reconsider if you want to spend anymore years wasting waiting. I think you need to confront him be open and honest about your expectations.

Say this is what I want for my self and my future and you need to tell me if this is the direction we are going. I normally wont advise ultimatums but given you’re previous engagement you need to address this issue. Why wait another year and find yourself in the exact situation as before. I fear he may actually have no plans to marry given his commitment issues and you may just be dragging the hurt. I suggest reading this post.


as well as this


Goodluck and Hugs.


Post # 16
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Don’t compromise and wait another 4 years, or you will be posting the same thing in 4 years.  In fact if you wait another year you will be posting the same thing.  I gave my guy 3 months after being together a little over 5 years, and he manned up.  He knew I was seriously going to leave him. 

I am sure he will still be a good father to your son.  Hopefully, if he doesn’t propose and you leave, you guys can work out a good plan for joint custody.  Plenty of people do it, and their kids are fine. 

Don’t waste your life away waiting for something that may or may not be.  If you want to be married and have a family (more children, I’m not saying you guys aren’t one) than make it happen, with this guy or someone else.  Plus it might take you a little time to actually do something after your deadline.  The follow through can be very difficult.  Its not as if you don’t love this person and want to be with them, but you want to be with someone who wants the same thing.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.  I know how hard it is.

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