5 and a 1/2 years, still not engaged

posted 11 months ago in Proposals
  • poll: Would you leave?

    Yes

    No

    Yes if after a year there still isn't a ring

  • Post # 31
    Member
    7901 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Normally I am an advocate of staying in a relationship where you have children, even without marriage. It just isn’t worth it to break up a family when marriage wasn’t important enough to pursue before having children. 

    However, this guy is an asshat. He is contemptuous and condescending, and I wouldn’t allow my child to witness me being treated that way or be raised thinking that was an acceptable relationship dynamic. Had I been your mum and witnessed him saying those things I would have advised you to leave him immediately. You can do better. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    2989 posts
    Sugar bee

    I could have stop reading when you said you have a 3 year old. He’s willing to be connected to you for the rest of his life with a child, but doesn’t want to propose? 

    Then you mentioned he says he’ll propose when you “behave yourself.” Seasoned Bees will tell you we see this time and time again when a man doesn’t have the balls to say they don’t want to get married. They make excuses that make you value your self worth. 

    And the fact that if you bring up an engagement and he says it “knocks you back 6 months” means he’s NOT a good partner. He’s an asshat and emotionally abusive.

    Post # 33
    Member
    252 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2019 - Costa Rica

    View original reply
    @stillwaiting1989:  

    I know how you feel. You are at that age when everyone is getting married and having kids. It’s easy for me to say do not give in to the pressure but I would be a hypocrite cause I did. To me marriage is a legal contract,    It is optimal for building wealth but what else? If you are super religious that’s another story. I could’ve went a lifetime without getting married but it helps when your partner passes away or buying a house. 
    we are stuck on titles and some ppl put more stock in their relationship when they are married I actually heard, “I’m going to stop cheating when I get married” (not from my husband!) 

    so I think have a serious chat on why he does not want to get married. It should be not a problem to go to the courthouse tomorrow and get married if you are sure about your relationship. But if he looks at it like it’s a next step of your relationship he isn’t ready for… I would say leave him 🤷🏾‍♀️

    Post # 34
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee

    deleted, wrong thread.

    Post # 35
    Member
    632 posts
    Busy bee

    I wouldn’t marry him if he proposed tomorrow … he sounds awful and I cant see how marriage would change that 

    Post # 36
    Member
    290 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    View original reply
    @naturalbee18:  This.

     

    What a gross way to treat you in front of his friends. In this case, I’d not even bother with a deadline for a proposal. It’s time to go. You need someome who treats you with respect.

    Post # 37
    Member
    215 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2020

    ::hugs::

     

    I had the same situation. At the 5 1/2 year mark, our relationship got really bad because I wasn’t able to let go of the resentment I felt for him for taking too long. He gave me the same Nonesense you’re SO is giving you now as far as “adding time” whenever I brought it up.

    after some time of major depression I sat down with myself and thought on wether I would be okay living as just bad/gf forever with him… and I was not.

    We had a talk and I explained what I wanted in my life and how much I loved him and wanted him to be in my plans but I would not hold back my life for him.

    I never threatend him or gave him an ultimatum, instead I explained myself desires and goals that I wanted in a peaceful manner without making demands or giving deadlines; the point was clear that if we did not get married I would eventually leave.

    I did not bring it up again and I starting planning and saving for my eventual departure ..all the while it gave him some time to think without being put “on  the constant defense”.

    ..eventually he decided our love was too great to lose.

    6 months later he proposed then 2 1/2 years later we got married.

    Decide if you are okay being with him as just be/gf forever.if you can’t live that way,let him know but be real  with you’re plans to leave without giving him a direct date & then NEVER bring up the conversation again.

    At that point, either he will do it or he won’t. Just be solid on your decision either way.

     

    Post # 38
    Bee
    295 posts
    Helper bee

    Bee, I’m glad you decided to say something to him (I also agree with other bees in that this conversations needs to be continued in person), but I really don’t think this person is a good partner regardless of timelines.

    Your kids deserve happy, healthy parents. I want to reiterate what other posters have said to ensure this comes across to you: his “responses” are cruel and absolutely sexist. Those aren’t traits I’d ever want my kids to think were acceptable. If he harbors those ideologies, they will come out in front of the kids. This whole “Young lady, you need to mind your manners! One more word, and I’ll add another month to your ~*~waiting~*~ time as a punishment!” shit is disgusting. That makes my blood boil. Please, please, see that for what it is. My last ex said something similar to me, and you can bet I was out the door immediately. That shit is sexist and childish–it does *not* a good partner make.

    Post # 39
    Member
    10546 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @stillwaiting1989:  

    The ‘adding another six months ‘ thing is insufferable OP . Who does he think he is , threatening you in that way as if you were some importunate beggar! Do not allow this stuff, tantamount to his announcing your joint lives are under his total control . 
    Next time he asks when dinner will be ready, or when if you are going to take a child to somewhere, tell him he just added two hours to the wait . 
    Ultimately, l have to say l hope you leave him, your child needs a better role model than this sexist arse. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    2924 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    He is disgusting. Period.

    You are telling your children that it is okay to for someone to be a controlling, manipulative, mean, abusive jerk AND that it’s okay to be treated with blatant disrespect, patronizing attitude, and unkindness by one’s supposed partner in life. Consider that as you move forward.

    Post # 41
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I’m sorry but I would have left with the comment “when she starts behaving herself”. Da fuq kinda person says that? You want to be with someone who treats you like a dog that has to learn obedience? Boy bye 

    Post # 42
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee

    I wouldn’t leave. 

    You have a partner who you love dearly and trust, and more importantly your partner is a great father to your child. 

    Would I leave just because I don’t have a ring on my finger? No. 

    BUT I do think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him as to where he sees your relationship going. It could just be that he has something planned and is trying to keep you in suspense (haha I myself spoiled my now fiancée’s original plans to propose) but it could also be something more at play which you need to get to the bottom of.  

    Post # 43
    Member
    3687 posts
    Sugar bee

     

    View original reply
    @vw97:  Posts like this make me wish for a downvote button. Her SO is a terrible person who treats her like a child.

    Post # 44
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee

    Look it it depends what you value. Personally I think I’d youve been with someone for that long there is obviously some commitment. We also have only been given a brief glimpse of their relationship. 

    View original reply
    @katebluestone:  

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors