5 and a 1/2 years, still not engaged

posted 11 months ago in Proposals
  • poll: Would you leave?



    Yes if after a year there still isn't a ring

  • Post # 75
    295 posts
    Helper bee

    It’s been a long day of having to genuinely convince brides and grooms that having a 100-person wedding this year is a terrible idea, and that, you know, you should give a shit about your friends and family. I’m at the end of my rope, y’all. So this is gonna be blunt.

    @daliah12:  Come on.

    “Try to respect him” when he’s not even slightly respecting her, then gaslighting her into being compliant? My god. Did you just skim through everyone’s comments? Care to elaborate why you think his sexism isn’t a red flag? If they’re going to stay together, it’s going to take some serious work and communication. It’s not going to be a matter of “respect him! let it take it’s course!” It’s legitimately ridiculous for a grown human being to treat their partner like a child. “Ooop! You said a no-no! You talked about our future! That’s another six months you’ll have to wait!” That’s unacceptable. If he’s joking, also unacceptable–though, anyone taking their partner seriously wouldn’t ever joke about this, especially out in public around other people. Telling her that he’s joking (and therefore, she’s taking things too seriously and she needs to relax) is step number one in the gaslighter’s handbook.  Step number two is insisting a proposal has to come as a complete and utter surprise to a woman, even after a child and 5.5 years together–proposals are romantic no matter how “surprising” they are, and this guy knows that–he’s stalling. 

    You’re telling her to let go of her *own* control over her *own* life, on something that’s important to her. And only to bring it up with him when it feels like “forever” has passed? As opposed to, you know, having an active and equal say in their future together? I’m really, genuinely imploring you to think on that. Please re-consider your view of relationships here.

    He’s not the sole decider here. Telling her to drop it and go with the flow until he decides she’s passed enough of his silly tests and finally gives in… no.

    View original reply
    @brideprivee:  Counseling? Yes. Couple’s counseling? No–not yet. He’s going to need his own bout of personal therapy to understand his underlying sexism and patronizing habits before they sit down with a counselor together. Couple’s counseling is often a pre-mature suggestion–your relationship can only be the “patient” in therapy after both individuals have done the work on themselves. In fact, pre-mature couple’s counseling can often do more harm than good when one partner has a problem with control. He needs to get to the bottom of his internalized misogyny before they can really do the required work on their relationship.

    Post # 76
    10499 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    View original reply

    This is such a good response, and l particularly like your suggested riposte that OP tells him she will move her walk date up as ‘punishment’ to show him how it feels . I would like to see his face if she really said that. Or if she said, ” well l’ll accept – probably- your proposal if you behave like a man of honour in the meantime. I want my answer to be a surprise”

    OP l am glad you have moved things along and while his explanation that he was ‘joking’ is patently crap, l can see that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, and just maybe he will have learned his lesson from it. 

    Now you have issued an ultimatum, and a date for it, do be careful that you don’t slide into ‘oh well perhaps another few months so he can have his complete surprise ‘ nonsense . Be sure you are doing what is best for you and the children . If you want him, flawed as he is, then accept that. I don’t think it will be good enough for you in the long run though. 

    And be careful of advice from people like the vw97 something poster whose standards are worryingly low . 

    Post # 78
    9252 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I am sad that some people have such low standards. Don’t leave because he doesn’t beat you…? Forget about respect and “just love being loved”? Implication being, you’re lucky someone gives you the time of day, so quit rocking the boat. Ew, so gross. And sad sad sad. 

    Post # 79
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    If he was serious about the whole “proposal should be an utter surprise” (which is generally BS), then he could have proposed within the time when he first told you that you pushed your engagement out by 6 months for asking about it, cause that would be a huge surprise after he straight up said he wouldn’t do it! He’s gaslighting you. For all the other good traits he may have, this is a dangerous one to commit to. Think long and hard about your future, and best of luck

    Post # 80
    1672 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

    This is downright terrible behavior.  Explain to him calmly that you really hoped this was going to work out, but you feel like you’re being strung along and some of the things he’s said ah e been patronizing and disrespectful.  Be frank and if he continues with this same attitude during your conversation make plans to move out and start a temporary order for custody and child support.  No one deserves to be treated this way about something that should be joyous and special and a joint decision. 

    Post # 81
    13997 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Also, for someone who was so hung up on making a proposal conditional on your full and unwavering trust, he certainly does not seem to think he has to earn or deserve it. 

    Post # 83
    134 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    You need to add that his ”joking around” really hurt you, and you need an apology. He needs to learn accountability for his behaviour. He should appreciate that since he’s in the military, and all.  Each time he hurts you, let him be aware.  Communication and accountability, it’s a beautiful thing.

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