Post # 1
anyone out there considering to or already has called off their engagement??
5 months from no i’m supposed to get married and i’m panicking inside.. something doesn’t feel right!
he’s awesome and i love him, but he is divorced and has a young child.. and although i’ve been stepmom to him for over 3 years now.. i just can’t get into it.. and lately it’s gotten me feeling worse..
anyone out there marrying men with kids? because dealing with the Birthmom and all her drama.. not to mention that i can’t even go on vacation without checking with her first (custody arrangement)… i just realized that a few months ago i wrote a post about cold feet, and i really think that at the time that’s all it was but now it’s soo different.. i can’t eat, can’t sleep.. just wanna cry all the time.. i’m nervous and scared..
anyone got any advice?
Post # 3
I am not marrying a man with children, so I can’t give you advice from that perspective, but…
If you’re having cold feet like this and it’s not going away, then there is definitely something to it. Always listen to your gut. I think you need to talk to your SO about your fears and doubts so you can be on the same page. He needs to know, and it’s probably best for both of you to figure this out now before more time passes and more money is spent on the wedding. I know wedding planning is so stressful and there’s so much pressure to just keep going with it because of all the hype – but especially since he’s got a child and children need some stability, you can’t marry him if you’re not prepared to help take care of the child.
My brothers’ father married a woman who hates them, and it’s made their lives VERY difficult. Of course, I don’t blame you for being wary of having to take on a motherly role when you don’t have your own children: that can be a lot to take on, and it’s one thing to just be the girlfriend and quite another to suddenly be the wife and a stepmother.
Maybe try getting couple’s counseling together? It’d give you a safe space to talk about all of this and have someone there to mediate and help you work it out together.
Post # 4
My last SO had a child and a seriously crazy ex. It was horrible. I am a mother, and I had a hard time with the role of “stepmom” to his child. We had this chikd with us quite a bit, and in the end it ended being one of the main factors in ending our relationship. I can totally relate.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to vent about her with out airing it all over WeddingBee. I have been there 🙁
Post # 5
I don’t want kids, and I woudl never date anyone with them. I could not be a step mom. Some of us aren’t cut out for it. If you honestly feel this way, I would definitely walk away. Kids are forever, and the last thing you would want is for that kid to know how you feel (hard to hide those feelings) and resent you later in life
Post # 6
It IS hard being with a man who not only has a child, but ex wife drama. I get myself worked up sometimes and think how easy life would be without dealing with the drama, anxiety and stress. But at the end of the day I love my Fiance and yes life without his baggage would be easier, but you have to love and accept the WHOLE person- not just part. If you truly feel in your heart you can’t come to terms with it and feel you would be resentful of your Fiance and his child then yes, call it off. That is no way to live life and in time your anger and resentment would eat you alive. Not to mention it wouldn’t be fair to your Fiance and his child either.
Good luck! it is not easy and I totally feel your pain.
Post # 7
ahhhh! i’m actually starting to feel some slight relief!! i just feel like the worst person in the world right now.. it’s just nice to know that other people can understand!
@chololeann: thanks and i will PM you.. as soon as i’m off work and get a chance to be alone (like that ever happens!)
i know i need to talk to him.. but i don’t know how.. what to say? “i love you more than anything but i don’t think i can raise your child.. so let’s call the whole thing off?” obviously i can’t say that.. and i know this is wrong but i feel like i can’t talk to him until i know for sure that i want to call it off.. i know its not fair to him, ut what if i talk about it and then decide to get married..he’ll always know that i wanted to call it off…
thanks ladies… i just feel so much despair in all of this
Post # 8
I think that when there is a child involved, you need to really dig deep and be a bigger person. This isn’t only about you. Would you want to be a child who is being partially raised by a woman who never really wanted you, or possibly resents you?
I do think you need to be as honest as possible with your Fiance so that he can make the best choice for his child. Maybe the three of you could consider family counseling? Or you can do couples counseling to see where everything shakes out?
Post # 9
it’s not that i don’t want the child or resent him at all, he’s a great kid and i care very much about him.
i don’t know if you’ve ever had step children, but along with being a stepmother comes a lot of emotions and mixed feelings about “the situation”, it’s not really about the child himself. it’s very hard to explain, and i had no idea any of this would come to the surface before i got really involved with being a step-parent. it’s all about other people’s expectations of how you should feel… namely FH. there are a lot of expectations and it’s very hard to meet most of them, if not all of them.
i have stepmother and can say tat truly understand what it’s like from the kid’s perspective, and,no, i wouldn’t want this child to feel that he anything less than great.
counselling has been on my mind for a while, i just don’t know if we can work it out in time.. my wedding is a destination one so people will be starting to buy plane tickets like within a month or two.. that doesn’t leave me with much time.
Post # 10
Wow this sounds really hard. I think you should talk to him before another month (or 5) go by. Just tell him how you’re feeling. See what you come up with together.
ETA: I know that’s easier said than done and I hope I didn’t come across as flippant. I guess all I can think for you to do is just start with the basics and open up the conversation. It’s probably going to suck and there might be hurt feelings and tears, but it’s better than the alternative.
Post # 11
not flippant at all!! you are 100% right! i mean i’ve wasted so much time “thinking” that i can’t beleive how fast time is passing and that 6 months away turned into 5 months away.. i mean people are calling me about buying plane tickets and i’m freaking out!! telling them to slow down.. no rush… which is crazy because i’ve been complaining about my travel agent for ever, about how slow he is at getting things done…and now i’m telling everyone to slow down.
i haven’t the slightest idea how to even begin the conversation with him… i thought of maybe going out to eat, just us and telling him that i really want to go to counselling and that i already made an appointment and that i’d like him to come with me, so that we can look into things together and a safe place..
of course that only works in movies.. and he’s gonna go insane with questions about what and why.. and my whole idea of talking about it with a thrid party around will probably not work..
but that’s all i can think of…. what do you ladies think??
Post # 12
I have to say one of the most successful marriages I have ever seen was between a woman and man that are in the same situation as you – it can work! It’s my best friend’s mom and step dad. Sure, his crazy ex girlfriend/mother of his children is NUTS and it is very difficult, but you learn to deal with it, especially when you guys have kids of your own (if you’re planning on doing that). It works, but it’s HARD. I can understand feeling the way you’re feeling =( I hope you end up working it out =(
Post # 13
First postpone your wedding. Don’t call it off just take the wedding ticking clock off the table. Tell people not to buy their tickets, ask the venue to hold your deposit and if you can reschedule for a different date at a later time. Then tell your Fiance you love him and his child, but aren’t sure about the transition to the role of stepmother. You need time to fully explore that in counseling. There is no easy way to do it. It will be difficult but you aren’t ending things just hitting the pause button.
Post # 14
@MMSVA: sounds like a plan! pause it! birlliant!! never even crossed my mind… strange i know, i guess for me i figured it was all or nothing.. but yeah, i can just pause it!!
i really like the idea!! couldn’t of come at a better time because i was planing on having the talk today… can you say”scared”???
Post # 15
You can do it! it is TOUGH to admit that you are struggling, but it is the right thing to do. People put a lot of expectations on you- that you should love the child as if it were your own, that you should be able to handle ex wife issues with grace etc. It’s just not that easy especially if you are not a Mother yourself. Take a deep breath and dive in, you will feel better afterwards. Your SO might be hurt and/or angry at first, but that’s okay. He needs and deserves to hear and understand your fears and reservations.
Good luck today!!!
Post # 16
@Befrie: You can do it. Just be honest. I’ve found that when people really love you and want what’s best for you, after their initial reaction, they will understand. Just expalin to him that it isn’t about love or compatability, it’s about the scariness of the transition from Girlfriend who helps care for a child to WIFE and STEPMOM. You just need time to figure things out in your head. And you can’t do that with the wedding looming around the corner.
PS- you may want to talk with a therapist about your relationship with your Stepmom. I have a feeling it is clouding your transition to the same role.