(Closed) 5 months to go.. thinking of calling it off.. help!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

I am not marrying a man with children, so I can’t give you advice from that perspective, but…

If you’re having cold feet like this and it’s not going away, then there is definitely something to it. Always listen to your gut. I think you need to talk to your SO about your fears and doubts so you can be on the same page. He needs to know, and it’s probably best for both of you to figure this out now before more time passes and more money is spent on the wedding. I know wedding planning is so stressful and there’s so much pressure to just keep going with it because of all the hype – but especially since he’s got a child and children need some stability, you can’t marry him if you’re not prepared to help take care of the child.

My brothers’ father married a woman who hates them, and it’s made their lives VERY difficult. Of course, I don’t blame you for being wary of having to take on a motherly role when you don’t have your own children: that can be a lot to take on, and it’s one thing to just be the girlfriend and quite another to suddenly be the wife and a stepmother.

Maybe try getting couple’s counseling together? It’d give you a safe space to talk about all of this and have someone there to mediate and help you work it out together.

Post # 4
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My last SO had a child and a seriously crazy ex.  It was horrible.  I am a mother, and I had a hard time with the role of “stepmom” to his child.  We had this chikd with us quite a bit, and in the end it ended being one of the main factors in ending our relationship.  I can totally relate.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to vent about her with out airing it all over WeddingBee.  I have been there 🙁

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t want kids, and I woudl never date anyone with them. I could not be a step mom. Some of us aren’t cut out for it. If you honestly feel this way, I would definitely walk away. Kids are forever, and the last thing you would want is for that kid to know how you feel (hard to hide those feelings) and resent you later in life

Post # 6
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It IS hard being with a man who not only has a child, but ex wife drama. I get myself worked up sometimes and think how easy life would be without dealing with the drama, anxiety and stress. But at the end of the day I love my Fiance and yes life without his baggage would be easier, but you have to love and accept the WHOLE person- not just part. If you truly feel in your heart you can’t come to terms with it and feel you would be resentful of your Fiance and his child then yes, call it off. That is no way to live life and in time your anger and resentment would eat you alive. Not to mention it wouldn’t be fair to your Fiance and his child either.

 

Good luck! it is not easy and I totally feel your pain. 

Post # 8
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think that when there is a child involved, you need to really dig deep and be a bigger person. This isn’t only about you. Would you want to be a child who is being partially raised by a woman who never really wanted you, or possibly resents you?

I do think you need to be as honest as possible with your Fiance so that he can make the best choice for his child. Maybe the three of you could consider family counseling? Or you can do couples counseling to see where everything shakes out?

Post # 10
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow this sounds really hard.  I think you should talk to him before another month (or 5) go by.  Just tell him how you’re feeling.  See what you come up with together.

ETA: I know that’s easier said than done and I hope I didn’t come across as flippant.  I guess all I can think for you to do is just start with the basics and open up the conversation.  It’s probably going to suck and there might be hurt feelings and tears, but it’s better than the alternative.

Post # 12
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I have to say one of the most successful marriages I have ever seen was between a woman and man that are in the same situation as you – it can work!  It’s my best friend’s mom and step dad.  Sure, his crazy ex girlfriend/mother of his children is NUTS and it is very difficult, but you learn to deal with it, especially when you guys have kids of your own (if you’re planning on doing that).  It works, but it’s HARD.  I can understand feeling the way you’re feeling =( I hope you end up working it out =(

Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

First postpone your wedding. Don’t call it off just take the wedding ticking clock off the table. Tell people not to buy their tickets, ask the venue to hold your deposit and if you can reschedule for a different date at a later time. Then tell your Fiance you love him and his child, but aren’t sure about the transition to the role of stepmother. You need time to fully explore that in counseling. There is no easy way to do it. It will be difficult but you aren’t ending things just hitting the pause button.

Post # 15
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You can do it! it is TOUGH to admit that you are struggling, but it is the right thing to do. People put a lot of expectations on you- that you should love the child as if it were your own, that you should be able to handle ex wife issues with grace etc. It’s just not that easy especially if you are not a Mother yourself. Take a deep breath and dive in, you will feel better afterwards. Your SO might be hurt and/or angry at first, but that’s okay. He needs and deserves to hear and understand your fears and reservations.

 

Good luck today!!!

Post # 16
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Befrie: You can do it. Just be honest. I’ve found that when people really love you and want what’s best for you, after their initial reaction, they will understand. Just expalin to him that it isn’t about love or compatability, it’s about the scariness of the transition from Girlfriend who helps care for a child to WIFE and STEPMOM. You just need time to figure things out in your head. And you can’t do that with the wedding looming around the corner.

Good Luck!!

PS- you may want to talk with a therapist about your relationship with your Stepmom. I have a feeling it is clouding your transition to the same role.

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