(Closed) 5 year relationship – not sure what to do

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014


maxfluffy:  To be honest, you sound very unhappy and it sounds like a mess. There is someone better out there for you, promise.

Post # 17
46 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

maxfluffy:  I am from Germany too, and have many friends and family there as well. You need to stop thinking with emotions only. I know it’s hard to be here alone but don’t attach yourself to only 1 person and let him decide your life. You need to get a full time job, move out and be independent. Look online for people looking for a roomate and it will cost you much less a month to live. At 33 years old you can have a wonderful life with a loving man and have children (if you want to). You can do it! Don’t be afraid. Move out, get a good job, don’t let fear control your life. You can still continue to date this man when you move out, but date other men too! always keep your options open, don’t settle. This is going to sound crude but my grandpa always said “when you see a pile of sh*t on the road, you walk around it don’t step in it or you will be a mess!” so you living in that house are a mess like that family! Get out. Best of luck 🙂 you will be ok. 

Post # 18
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have you told your family and friends in Germany all of this?  Are they not begging and pleading with you to leave this jerk and return home? Please, please get some real life help. 

Post # 19
1483 posts
Bumble bee

maxfluffy:  someone close to him assaulted you and he wants you to just get over it? And you don’t have sex??? What exactly are you getting from this relationship? What are you gaining Exactly? I think you know that this relationship is not a good deal for you and I think it’s great that you are starting to question everything. I think you can have a new reality….a life that does not include violence, conflict, and neglect.

Post # 20
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

maxfluffy:  But you already posted this EXACT same question about 2 months ago under a different nickname..the story was the same.. down to the police, the fact that you’re from Germany.. etc.

Do you expect to get different replies this time round? Last time you posted, not a single person told you to stay with this guy. What makes you think anyone is going to tell you anything different this time?

Dump the guy and do whatever you want with your life.. if that means going back to Germany, go back to Germany. Honestly I find it pretty annoying when people re-post the same thing more than once and expect to get different replies. It’s completely obvious that you need to end this relationship.. if you can’t see that, then nobody else can help you.

Post # 21
3036 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

I think you should leave! Go back to germany if that’s where you would prefer to be. You absolutely can stay in the US but it sounds like you want to go ‘home’ to your friends and family. 

Post # 22
127 posts
Blushing bee

You haven’t had sex together in a year???????? RED FLAG. MAJOR RED FLAG. I don’t know exactly what is going on with you two but he is clearly manipulating you and keeping you are for some reason – as a PP said, for comfort or bills or cleaning or something. He’s using you. Plain and simple. We cannot force you to do anything, this is your life. You came here and asked for advice. We are giving you the straight up truth. Leave now. Run. Whatever it takes. I’m shocked that you are still living with your abuser. And everyone there is okay with that???? Especially your “boyfriend” if we can even consider him that???<br /><br />He may say things to you, he may be nice sometimes, and be fun to be around sometimes. Those things don’t make him a good person. You’ve seen his true colors now. It’s now time to make a huge decision in your life. Be brave, do the right thing, take care of yourself, leave, and one day find happiness again. Or, be a coward, stay there because that’s the easiest thing to do right now, and live out the rest of your life in a miserable existence. And that will be your life.

I know that’s harsh but it’s reality. We’re trying to help you. Only you can make the decision.

Post # 24
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Leave him and move out. You’ll be alone but that may be a good thing for you. He’s not going to marry you or buy a house. You teach people how to treat you, and he learned, you’re not a priority and an empty promise is enough to keep you around. It’s really scary, i know. I moved to this country to be with my SO, so i know. But you have to try, and if you’re too lonely you van always go home. Good luck, but leave now!

Post # 25
1041 posts
Bumble bee

maxfluffy:  staying in a unhealthy relationship because you are “afraid to be alone” is not healthy. You can not rely on somebody else to make you happy and give purpose to your life. Especially somebody who is using you and allowing their family to abuse you. 

What does that say about you? You are apparently a strong woman to have left everything you’ve known to move to the states. What happened to that woman?

Post # 26
2248 posts
Buzzing bee

Leave him. 

This is not the life you want, and it doesn’t sound like he’ll be able to provide you with the life you want. There’s no good reason stay. 

Don’t get wrapped up in thinking that he might change or wondering why he won’t marry you before buying a house. At this point none of that matters. The facts are that he’s not willing to change his living situation and family life in any way that will satisfy you, and he hasn’t made any real progress towards marrying you. What you are seeing and experiencing now is basically how things are going to stay with him. Even if he did manage to finally propose to you and marry you, you’d still be in this same situation with him being a door mat to his family and putting you and your needs and wants on the back burner. 

Work with the facts and not what you wish would happen. If marriage is what you want and you don’t want to deal with his family’s issues, leave him, move away from him, and start living the life you actually want to live. Whether you will to stay here or move back to Germany can be settled later — end the relationship and get away from him first. 

ETA: I just read your latest update. Being alone is better than being in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship. Staying with him to avoid feeling lonely is truly one of the worst things you can do, because you’ll be all but ensuring that you stay lonely.

Ending this relationship and being single is probably what you really you need. There are things that you need to work on so that you can be healthy and content with yourself and by yourself. Please, end the relationship and focus on your own well being. If you want to be content with your life and your choices, being single and working on yourself and your fear of lonliness, as well as any other issues you may have, is one of the best things you could do for yourself. 

Post # 27
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

maxfluffy:  Exactly why do you want to marry him? It sounds like you just want to get married, not be married to this guy. He is showing you exactly what he thinks of you by not standing up for you, and yet you are considering hitching your star to his?

I’m not being snarky, I think if you could list out the reasons that you want to marry him that would clarify things for you. Because as of right now it looks like you would have a really short and unimpressive list.

Post # 28
730 posts
Busy bee

maxfluffy:  can’t tell you what do so but he’s not acting like a soul mate or husband from what you described. You’re unhappy and there’s no evidence that the reasons for it would change. I wish you luck, don’t accept him hoping he will change. He most likely will not


Post # 29
730 posts
Busy bee

Ps – you’re not crazy. You’re suffering because you are with a man who does not satisfy you emotionally

Post # 30
927 posts
Busy bee

Maybe it would be easier to move out first “because you don’t want to live with his family” and then break up later when you’re already set up on your own?

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