(Closed) 5 year relationship – not sure what to do

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

Strangers, friends and family are telling you to run, not walk. Even encouraging you moving to another country to get away from him. just sit with that for a minute. 

Post # 47
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

maxfluffy:  why do you think getting married and buying a house with this guy would fix anything?

Post # 48
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You moved halfway across the world for….this?

For a man who lives with his parents, doesn’t stand up for you, who keeps putting off marrying you, and worst of all, hasn’t had sex with you in over a year?

Girlfriend, come on. It’s time to love yourself a little more and find that inner strength that I KNOW you have, and leave this guy in the dust. This is no way to live. 

You say you keep wondering “what if he changes?” I am telling you straight up right now, He. Won’t. Change. He is 45 years old. The person he is now,is the person he will be at 55, 65, 75…and mean while you will have wasted all your youth and beauty on this guy, when you could have gotten out of this situation while you are still in your prime.

Don’t waste your most youthful years on this guy.

Post # 49
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m sorry to tell you that all he wants from you is 50% of the money needed to buy a house. There are so many things wrong with this relationship I can’t even type them all. But I will tell you one thing my mother always told me: “Never love a man more than he loves you”. Any man who lets another man, especially his own nephew, physically lay a hand on his woman is not a real man.

As others have said RUN, DON’T WALK back to Germany. Be around family and friends who love you. Since you’re a US citizen now, you can come back when you’re ready and hopefully emotionally stronger. Good luck.

Post # 50
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

WTF? Exactly what redeeming qualities does this guy have? In the slim hope that you will listen I’m not going to be nice: if you don’t leave this guy for good, you are a moron. 

Post # 51
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM!

Post # 53
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

maxfluffy:  You don’t love him, you love the idea of him and/or the life you imagined you could have with him. I can’t believe that as a little girl you dreamed of marrying a guy who wouldn’t move away from his parents and put you in such a bad mental state you had to flee the country and seek medical help. 

A real man, the man who deserves your love, would NEVER have allowed a situation where you were so broken emtionally and mentally. A real man puts your needs above his own. 

As for your age–some of my friends who married earlier than 33 are now divorced. So don’t think that being married by a certain age makes everything alright. I met Darling Husband at 38, married at 40 and finally BFP at 44. Yes, it was a struggle to get pregnant, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because I found the man who is perfect for me. As I watched others get married (often out of fear of getting too old), I decided that I would rather be happy and alone than married and miserable. And those that I watched get married–either in horrible marriages or divorced with horrible, money sucking child custody cases. I’m in a loving healthy marriage that was totally worth the wait.

 

PS– you have some messed up fairy tale image that with the “right, perfect” woman, a man will be transformed into a prince. Your SO didn’t change, because he is a selfish A$$hole, not because you aren’t good enough. You keep wanted to stay with him because deep down you think that love can change a frog into a prince. The sooner you see him as the frog he is and no amount of love will change that, the sooner you”ll be on the road to recovery. 

 

PPS- Love is never enough to create a sucessful marriage. 

Post # 54
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

maxfluffy:  You absolutely did the right thing. You are ONLY 33. You act like you’re a senior citizen. Many women have not gotten married or had children at your age. You are still young and have plenty of time to find your Mr. Right, which that guy DEFINITELY was not. Do not second guess yourself. I really think you need to cut off all communication with him, a clean break, and move on with your life. That’s the only way you’re really going to get over him. Talking every other day is not helping you. Good luck and I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better.

Post # 55
Member
949 posts
Busy bee

maxfluffy:  You did the right thing by leaving. Being in such an epicly messed up situation was not condusive for you being able to see the situation clearly enough to make a reasoned decision about the future of your relationship with Mr. So Not Right. Personally, I would cut contact with him and move on.

Post # 56
Member
3199 posts
Sugar bee

maxfluffy:  Oops, just saw your update. Good for you! The feelings of fear and doubt will subside! You may still love him, and you may always love him, but he wasn’t the one for you. I know it sounds cheesy, but you couldn’t make a happy life with that man, even if you spent decades trying. Sometimes, love isn’t enough! Focus on just living and enjoying your life day by day. Revel in making your own decisions and taking hot showers 😉

Post # 57
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

This sounded like a nightmare in his family house, your only 33 you can have time to meet someone who really puts you first. I happy to hear you left and didn’t waste more of your life with people like that.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  katyalanalove.
Post # 58
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Good for you for leaving! 

Get yourself a therapist ASAP. You need to summon the courage to cut ties immediately.

Good luck, OP.

Post # 59
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee

Stay strong!  He is not for you!   Now that you are back with friends and family you may get some much needed perspective on how this guy was NOT FOR YOU.

Cut ties–tell him you are NOT returning and you dn’t want to hear from him anymore. Don’t fall for any of his “but I promise I’ll change/it will be better” song and dance.

Two months from now you will wonder what you ever saw in him.  I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 60
Member
10709 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You’re free!  Enjoy it!  

You’re getting your first taste of freedom.  The PP is right–you don’t love “him”–you love the fantasy of who you think he could be & what your lives could be.

Except they can’t.  Not in this case.

You’ll be a bit wobbly at first, but if you can keep yourself away from that toxic brew of a family, you’ll be soaring soon enough.

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