Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We were high school sweet hearts dated for 2 years, then broke up on our last year of high school. Around 20 we started hooking up again but didn’t want anything serious but exclusively were together for 2 years until I became I pregnant with our now 3 year old. We bought a house, merged our bank accounts, and started a life as a couple. Although I wanted to be married first before I had children, I had my son who was the best thing to ever happen to us. But I would still like to get married. We have an amazing relationship, he is an excellent father, and supports us so I can stay home and raise our son. We are financially secure, he has an excellent career with great benefits and I have a college degree under my belt. He comes from a broken family, his parents cannot be in the same room 8 years post separation, and the families can’t stand one another. So I can understand his set backs about marriage. I’ve explained to him that marriage is something that I want one day and he says that we will get married. With our son being three we having been talking about having another child. He really wants to have another soon, but I don’t want to be pregnant when we get engaged. All of my friends are engaged or married and I find myself feeling jealous. Some of them were with their exs while I was with my boyfriend. He took me to look at engagement rings 5 months ago and I’m pretty sure he purchased the one we liked. Knowing I don’t want to be pregnant and engaged but he is ready and wants to try for another child is a way for him to get out of having to propose. If I try and talk to him about it he says he is going to propose one day and gets mad and wants me to drop it. I’ve asked him if he’d be okay with me proposing and he said don’t do it. I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I tell him that I am not ready for more kids even though I am and I do want more kids, but I want to be married to. I feel like I’m not good enough or I don’t know its hard to explain. Just some advice on where to go from here?!?
Post # 2
I think with each person it boils down to personal morals and beliefs…but I personally would not have any more children until marriage. When you think about it- children are the ultimate commitment and if he wants to do that, then why wouldn’t he want to be married to you? If he doesn’t want to be married, then having more children is downright irresponsible IMO. As long as you two have a loving, trusting and stable relationship why shouldn’t he want to get married? Don’t have any more kids until he puts a ring on it. 🙂
Post # 3
piratecalm: Are you looking to have a large wedding? I ask because you could probably say something like lets get engaged soon have a small ceremony or courthouse wedding in January time frame. Then you can start TTC by Feb-Mar next year and have a baby around this time next year. Maybe explaining it out in those terms would get you both to your desired end goals?
I feel for you but he’s definitely in a comfortable place and I’m sure doesn’t see the need to “fix what isn’t broken”. Good luck girl!
Post # 4
You are definitely within your rights to not want to plan a pregnancy with someone you’re not engaged or married to. If you feel very strongly about it you should approach him. I wouldn’t say you’re “not ready” because that isn’t true, I’d tell him that you want to be engaged/married before you expand your family.
Post # 5
Thanks everyone! Ya I should have mentioned I don’t want to just get married for a wedding. I’m fine with just eloping if he is more comfortable with that. I also feel a child is more commitment. I can’t understand what is holding him back honestly. But I will hold off another child until I get some answers.
Post # 6
piratecalm: my first thought after reading this post: “if he gets mad nd drops the subject on proposals, I would get mad and drop the subject on baby number 2”. Obviously it wont turn out that way, so I would suggest telling him that you are not going for a second baby until you’re married (if that is of course what you want), I would say it in a good way of course, but he has to know where you stand, becuase he has no problems letting you know where he stands.
Post # 7
To me, children and marriage are 2 completely separate issues. As you describe, you have a strong relationship and he is a great father. He clearly wants to spend his life with you as a family if he wants another child. For lots of people, marriage is just not a priority and choosing not to marry is no reflection on his level of love or commitment. Another PP saying “basically why wouldn’t he want to marry” is very over-simplistic and disrespectful to his feelings, just as you might feel that he is disrepsecting yours. Coming from a home that didn’t model a healthy marriage can really change someone’s perspective on how important or unimportant a legal marriage is. It’s not wrong of him to have that perspective, just as it’s not wrong for you to have yours (ie. that you want to be married). On the other hand, if you feel it’s important to you to be married then you need to decide what your bottom line is and how you’re willing to negoiate/compromise to get there.
There is no right or wrong in this situation. There seems to be 2 adults who love one another and are committed; one who values having another child more than marriage and one who values marraige before another child. The right thing would be to try at meet somewhere in between.
Post # 8
If you want to get married before having another child, do not have another baby until you become husband and wife. Your boyfriend needs to compromise if he wants you to have another child. I have seen too many men string their children’s mothers along for years because the women give all the perks of marriage without the commitment.
I completely understand how growing up with bad examples of marriage can sour someone’s opinion on it. I never wanted to get married until I met my husband. I didn’t want to end up like my mother; an overworked slave who put up with a lazy cheating husband because of her kids. Luckily, my husband does not treat me the way my dad treated my mother.
My husband and I are childfree. If we wanted kids, I would not have any until after I was married because that is the way I was raised. It was beat into my head: “Never become a mother before you become a wife.”
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
PositiveThinking: FossilLady: lexie1114: +1
OP, if you don’t want to have another child without marriage, don’t let yourself be pressured into it. If he took you ring shopping do you think he could be planning it and just waiting for you not to mention marriage? Is he the kinda guy who likes to plan surprises?
Post # 10
I think ring shopping and telling the OP not to propose is a good indication of an impending proposal.
Post # 11
I think you should drop the subject about marriage. If you two already went ring shopping, he probably plans on proposing soon. A proposal will seem less special if someone is being pressured to do it.
In regards to having a 2nd child, just put your foot down about not wanting another child until after you two are married. This is one of those issues where you have to be blunt. Stand your ground if he brings up the topic, but don’t be argumentative about it.
Post # 12
piratecalm: I can really relate to you. Such similar experiences. My now Fiance and I are going on 6 yrs together in February and our son just turned 4 yrs old. I told myself I didn’t want to be with any man for 5yrs+ without a solid commitment. So at the 5yr mark I had an emotional breakdown. Little did i know, my boyfriend had planned an elaborate proposal and spent a lot of time on not only planning it, but also anxiously awaiting my ring to come in which was taking much longer than he anticipated. It was worth the wait 🙂
You sound like a great person who really wants to be married to your boyfriend/sons father and make it feel like a real family/have the same last name as your son Etc… the fact that your boyfriend wants another child with you and has looked at rings with you speaks volumes 🙂 he knows what he has with you and it’s only a matter of time before he proposes :). I’m rooting for you and can’t wait to hear when he does propose!
Post # 13
Not to sound mean, but why should he marry you if he already has everything that he wants otherwise? You got pregnant, got a house, and behave as a married couple. There is no new territory for him to go to. Even though it seems like he is tied to you, he could still walk away without having as much of a difficult time, and he may be holding onto that sense of “freedom”. It is now hard for you to say what your needs are because you have already given him a bunch of leeway. Even though you have a degree, you are still dependent upon him to take care of you, so he feels like you are attached to him one way or another. Quite frankly, he has the control in this situation.
I am saying this because I see and hear these complaints from women who get pregnant before getting married. The men don’t really think that marriage is important because the woman was willing to put it on the back burner. We need to tell men our standards, so they will decide either to meet those standards, or not and then we can walk away. I wish I had some better advice, but you have to put your foot down. You have too tell him that you will not be having anymore children without being a wife. You also need to tell him that you are not going to wait around forever to get married. If that does not work, I suggest that you start working at least part-time so that he sees that you are able to be independent and walk out of the door if he does not comply. Good luck to you…
Post # 14
I say put your foot down. Tell him I am not going to have any kids until we are engaged and or married and really mean it. If you have to put off sex than do that.
I told my boyfriend when we had our son that I wanted to get married some day because I know one day my son was going to ask me why my last name was different than his and daddy’s. My fiance said than we can go to the court house and change it! meaning we can get married. “It’s funny he use to say I am never having kids or getting married” He was joking of course. He is a jokester. I never once pressured him into having kids or getting married but he knew I wanted to be a mother and wife someday.