Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2020 - City, State
Ive been with my SO 5 years 3 months and 11 days. Weve had the talk countless times. Its always the same thing from him. yes he wants to marry me, he wants a future and a family and all of that. Problem is it’s always “one day, some day, soon, in the near future”. But when it comes to looking at rings and having a serious talk it’s always “I’m not ready”. He said he was ready twice and we looked at rings but then he chickened out and said he thought he was ready but isn’t.
This kind of unsure talk makes me feel unwanted, that I’m not worthy of love or a ring. I feel useless, depressed, ugly, pathetic and worthless. If he really wanted to marry me, then he would stop at nothing right? Isn’t that what men do? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not enough? Am I too much? I spend weekends crying into my pillow and pretending everything is great in front of his family whenever his sister shows off her new engagement ring. She’s been with her fiancé just about 2 years.
I do everything for him. I keep our place spotless and sanitized. I make restaurant quality meals completely from scratch for him every night no matter how tired I am from work. Just to prove that I am wife and mother material. He’s appreciative and always says I didn’t have to make such a fancy meal. I’m turning 28 on the 22nd and I’ve made it clear that I will not wait past 32 to conceive. The women in my family have a history of fibroids and problems carrying children past age 30. I’m afraid that if we wait too long and I’m unable to have children naturally then I will resent him for the rest of my life. But I also don’t want to break up and start over so close to 30. He knows marriage is my prerequisite to children. I’m heartbroken every day that I wake up and don’t see a ring on my finger. I am so depressed I can’t look others in the face anymore . I’m constantly asked why were not engaged or married yet after all these years. I’ve cut contact with my friends to avoid the questions. He gave me a promise ring 4 years ago and I’m now ashamed to wear it around his sister or family. He’s made it clear that he’s still very much in love with me and that he’s sorry for the way he makes me feel and not to give up on him because he’s trying. He says we can have a serious conversation about an engagement on May 18 2019. I set a walk date of February 1st 2020 that he isn’t aware of. Do I give him a chance in May to explain himself or should I cut my losses?
weve already tried couples therapy btw.
Post # 2
I’m going to say what others will likely say after me.
The only thing wrong with you is that you’re trying to prove your worth to a man when your worth was never the issue.
This man was never ready to marry you and may never be ready. What’s worse than starting over at 28 is starting over at 29. He knows you want to be married (and why). He knows about your health concerns. He has chosen his reluctance over keeping you.
Stop waiting until May. Stop waiting at all.
Post # 3
Honey no, you should not give this guy until 2020!! You’re miserable, he’s not showing any “yes I’m 100% committing to this relationship” behavior and you’re 5 years in. I would cut my loses and run from this guy, two years from now you could be married to your dream guy orrrr you could still be waiting around for this guy (who clearly does not see how amazing you are) to comit to you! You are worth more than this, and you owe yourself the oppertunity to meet Mr. Right! You just have to leave Mr. Wrong first :/ You sound like a great girl and any man would be lucky to call you his wife, so go out there and find him! This scrub is not worth being miserable over! XX
Post # 4
Hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but no amount of cooking or cleaning will make him propose. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you are “wife and mother material” because YOU, just as you are, is enough when you’re with someone who wants the same things that you do. What exactly is he doing to “prove” that he’s worth YOUR time and worth waiting around for? The fact that you went to look at rings twice only for him to get cold feet speaks volumes. His actions are saying it all. He tells you what you want to hear, but when it comes time for action, he backs out. He just might not be the one for you, bee.
If you are constantly depressed and feeling worthless, those are HUGE problems. The fact that you’re isolating yourself from friends is a huge problem, as well. You need support and people to lean on. I understand how difficult waiting is but right now I wouldn’t even say you’re waiting for an engagement. Right now, you’re waiting for him to decide whether or not he even wants to marry you. If there are no concrete reasons as to why he’s not ready/a timeline for when he will be (i.e when he finishes school or saves up a certain amount of money), you’re not actively moving towards engagement and he is doing nothing to make it happen.
Deep down it may be something he wants, but it also may be something he doesn’t want but is too comfortable with the relationship to admit that. You have every right to decide that you’re worthy of someone who wants the same things that you do. You can decide that you don’t want to waste anymore of your own time. I know starting over seems daunting and scary, but if after 5 years he is still unsure, starting over now would be much better than wasting another 5 years.
Post # 5
Any man who is worth marrying wouldn’t make you try to prove anything.
You could be alone forever and less miserable.
Post # 6
your only option is to either resign yourself to being an eternal girlfriend or move out and move on. His unwillingness to fully commit to you has caused a toxic dynamic in your relationship. Your self esteem is in the toilet. Get angry at his continual daily CHOICE not to marry you, get empowered and leave! Stop staying stuck. It doesn’t matter what he says, his lack of *action* 5 years in tells you he isn’t going to marry you. At this point you’re wasting your own time…. you’re going to miss out on being a wife and mother if you stay stuck with this guy….
Post # 7
But I also don’t want to break up and start over so close to 30.
NOOOO. This is the absolute worst reason to decide to spend the rest of your life with someone.
Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who makes you feel pathetic and worthless?? That makes you so depressed you can’t look other people in the face anymore!? That’s awful. Even if he does finally begrudgingly hand over a ring in the next year those feelings are not going to just vanish. This breaks my heart for you.
Stop trying to prove yourself to this dud, he doesn’t deserve it. Go find someone that loves and appreciates you and is excited to spend the rest of their life with you.
Post # 8
Bee, he says that he’s “trying,” but this is nonsense. You can’t “try” to want something if you don’t want it. I can try all day to WANT liver and onions for dinner, but if I don’t want it (and I sure as hell don’t), then I never will. Either you want something or you don’t.
Now, none of this is to say that he’s done anything wrong in not wanting to get married to you–just like it’s not wrong for you to WANT marriage, it’s not wrong for him NOT to want it. He is entitled to his feelings just as well as you are entitled to yours. The trouble is that you clearly don’t want the same things and very likely never will (or not, at least, in the near future). I can’t imagine why he’s chosen some special day to sit down and discuss all of this (Why is May 18th so important?), and that sounds like he’s just trying to put you off for a little while, but that day isn’t magically going to make him change what he wants.
It’s time to start upping your walk date on this, Bee, so that you can start the healing process sooner and get to a place at which you can finally meet a man who wants what you want.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2020 - City, State
Thank you for the hugs. We’ve both graduated from university and have great entry level jobs. His dad left a decent inheritance for him when he passed away so money shouldn’t be an issue. Unless he’s embarrassed that I make more than him? My self esteem is certainly in the toilet. We used to say that we’ll wait to graduate first. Then it was wait til we have jobs. Then when we move in together. He says he wants it to be special and that it’ll happen before the end of this year. He just turned 26 last week so I’m not sure if maturity has anything to do with it. His sister is 23 and her fiancé is 27 so my point about maturity may be moot.
Post # 10
Why have hte talk May 18 2019 specifically? That seems odd.
I find it really sad that you’re letting this man break you down like this. You’ve been together for 5 years, he knows what your future goals are and what’s important to you (marriage & kids) yet he’s just stringing you along with the whole “some day, I have a plan, etc” statements.
Stop trying to prove to him that you’re worthy of being his wife and move on, you deserve better.
Post # 11
I feel so sorry for you!
Firstly because if he wanted to marry you, he would.
Secondly, because any relationship should never make you question your worth!
Like a pp said, starting over at 29 or 30 or any other age is worse than starting over at 28.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2020 - City, State
To my point about proving myself and not to defend him, but he does say that I don’t need to prove that I’m wife or mother material because he sees that I am. But the fact that he can’t or won’t propose after all this time just makes me feel like I’m not. My self esteem and confidence has decreased dramatically. When we met I had tons of friends, I had a very active social life and was in the best shape of my life. I’ve gained 100lbs, have no friends and haven’t played volleyball (my favourite sport) in 4 years. He always encourages me to reach out to my friends and reconnect and to be active again. When I tell him that my friends keep asking questions about our relationship which is why I lost contact, he still thinks I should reach out and tell them that questions hurt me and I’d just like to have my friends back. He’s a very sweet and thoughtful guy and he tells me how much he loves and appreciates me everyday. It’s the feeling of being an eternal girlfriend and not good enough for an upgrade that I loathe.
Post # 13
Cut your losses. It seems like you’re starting to resent him and that does not bode well for a relationship. He doesn’t seem like he’s ready to get married anytime soon.
Post # 14
I’m sorry, but you sound like your own enemy here. You’ve stopped hanging out with your friends. You’ve stopped doing activities/sports you loved. You choose to stay with a man who makes you feel bad about yourself.
Please find a therapist. You’re obviously depressed. You shouldn’t be crying into your pillow and neglecting friendships because of a man.
Post # 15
No offense, but you’ve gained 100 lbs and lost all of your friends throughout your relationship with this man? That is scary.
This relationship sounds terribly unhealthy, both mentally and physically, I know therapy is thrown around a lot on this forum, but have you considered it?