5 years and no proposal…

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
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5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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@lesliebride:  Her SO is employed, my son is not. You dont get paid as a med student, you do as a resident.  They’re in different places in their career. My son has proposed, her SO has not. So they’re at different places in their relationship. 

The OP’s SO is not proposing because he doesnt want to. It’s really that simple. And after 5 years that ought to be taken seriously.

Post # 32
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201 posts
Helper bee

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@sunburn:  So now money is a factor

Post # 33
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5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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@lesliebride:  They just got engaged in April or May – I forget lol. Why do they have to marry right away? I’m not understanding your logic here. I think the OP would be perfectly satisfied with a proposal for now.

And it’s not money that’s holding them up. I’m sure that we and the bride’s parents will be paying for the wedding as we’re in a position to do so. But my son and his fiance want him to be settled in a residency first and we think that’s a good idea.

Post # 34
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all the responses! I will say that every relationship is different and no one really knows the story behind them except the people involved. This is my situation… I did have a more mature talk with him about this as many had advised and this is what he had to say… He did not get angry, if anything he felt very bad that he didn’t realize I was still hurting over this. Probably because we never had an actual conversation about it the first time! He has known for a long time that I’m the one he wants to marry, he just had his own reservations about how it would work out if he had to match far away. I am also applying to medical school and he knows I would pick my state medical school and stay home since I’m very close to my family and they rely on me financially and emotionally (I take care of my parents as well as my daughter). We both live in New England area but he could have matched very far away like CA. We were not in a financial situation to get married until now. I was the only one working up until now. He was doing a prelim year in Surgery where he was working from 4 am to 6/7 pm everyday with 1 day off so yes his time was limited and he has made damn well sure that he’s made time for me even with that schedule so my problem is not time commitment here. Yes we had a LDR and of course it sucks – I don’t get to see much of him, but our LDR is definitely not convenient for him. He has worked hard to keep me happy and keep this relationship going. This man has driven 10 hours after working long hours just to see me for a day and we talk on the phone every night for hours until he falls asleep. Well since landing a residency in NYC this year he has been planning the proposal, he’s figured out the who when where and how. Since our talk I’ve felt much better but I’m still approaching this with caution. I didn’t tell him this but I will break it off if he does not propose by the end of the year. Personally, I can’t wait that long when I have big life decisions to make and was hoping to make them with my life partner. Marriage is important to me. I’m asian and for me, marriage goals is a family and cultural value. Also, it didn’t take him 4 years to tell his parents. That took about 6 months and then it was years of fighting with his mother to accept me although I felt he could have fought harder. His mother thought I was a medical school fling that he would break off when he finished school – that did not happen. I will update you guys if he does propose or if I end up breaking it off!

Post # 35
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5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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@lesliebride:  I see you are having problems in your own marriage and I’m very sorry. I sense that you have a lot of anger and that’s understandable. Please dont take it out on me.

It’s not a matter of things like communication coming naturally to people; that has nothing to do with the success or failure of a relationship. It’s about choosing the right person who fits you. And not ignoring red flags and telling yourself that relationships need lots of work – because they don’t. They need people who are willing to meet each other’s needs. 

Post # 36
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912 posts
Busy bee

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@sunburn:  i think leslie didnt read the main idea of your point…. you’re son has proposed…! Lol wow im reading this and her replies are making me feel like you never wrote that but you have and more than once. Maybe you’re right it may be somewhat similar to her situation so her empathy is in the way, which is normal i guess. OP is looking for proposal, then she can breath and they as a couple can get their lives in order now that marriage is for surely on the menu. Like your sons situation. Im sure his wife-to-be is satisfied for now and not stressed waiting on a grown man in a long term relationship to declare that he wants to spend his life with her. Also i agree that a weddings-money amount means nothing to people  who genuinely want to be married. There would be no barrier and nothing stronger than the power of love interfering.

 

OP, hopefully you read all of the valuable posts and make the right choices. At the end of the day its encouragement that is being shared. Tough love, not cruel intentions 🙂

Post # 37
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5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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@moonlightstar:  Is your boyfriend Asisn as well? I’m just wondering why his mother was so opposed to you. I know that for many Asians the parents have a large say in their children’s lives. 

Post # 39
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5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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@blossoming87:  Glad to see that someone understood what I was saying! 

Post # 40
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7 posts
Newbee

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@sunburn:  no he’s irish and portuguese. His family are very traditional roman catholic folks. Yes, my parents for sure have a very large say in my life. His mother was opposed to me because she didn’t think he should of been dating a girl who had a child out of wedlock. Dating someone with a child already could be too hard for someone when they’re not ready to be a parent.

Post # 41
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201 posts
Helper bee

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@blossoming87:  My responses were not to ignore the fact that he proposed to her. My response was to try to point out that making such single-handed assumptions when there’s many other possibilities and factors that we have no idea about are not the best way to think. The OP has now given us a better understanding. There’s so much information that we can’t possibly just assume the one very outcome of “he doesn’t like her “. Which turned out to be the case that he does infact love her. I think we can all have an open and honest discussion without getting so triggered over this. I’m grateful for all the help and all of the guidance that you all have been trying to provide to me And I’m sure others appreciate it too, but sometimes there’s more to the story and it’s hard to relay all of it in one single forum post.. It’s hard to compile years of different aspects of a relationship. 

Post # 42
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

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@blossoming87:  and money does mean a lot When it comes to weddings. My current SO proposed to me a little under 3 years into our relationship. I declined because at the time we were not making a lot of money and I know if we waited for the right time, we didn’t have to have some sort of a backyard barbecue. I didn’t mean that I didn’t love him. In fact that was during some of our best times. I think for a lot of these things there’s never just a one answer and one solution kind of thing. Like I said I know you guys are just trying to help but in this situation you guys were completely wrong and you jumped to conclusions way too early on. 

Post # 43
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912 posts
Busy bee

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@lesliebride:  im glad that she did update with more info. The prior responses from everyone were all in conjunction with the info given. All valid though.

Post # 44
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5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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@moonlightstar:  Oh wow. The whole Catholic, out of wedlock thing. Words can not express how archaic and damaging I think this is. We’re boring white people and my son’s fiance is Asian (Indian). Her parents are very, very important to her, like yours are to you, and I dont think that she would be marrying my son if they didnt approve. Fortunately they’re great people, they love my son and we all get along great. I know this is not the case for a lot of people and I feel badly for them.

Post # 45
Hostess
4758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@moonlightstar:  That is a great update!  I did not mean to imply that your LDR was of convenience, I was just relaying what my friend had gone through, where she made all of the effort.  D.H. and I were in an LDR more like yours where we were both making efforts to travel and see each other and that was certainly not convenient for either of us!  I think your talk is really encouraging and that you sound like you have a plan that you are happy with.  Fingers crossed!

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