(Closed) 5 years and no ring. Should I stay or go?

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

I was with my boyfriend for 6.5 years, had all the same feeligns you’re having. One night my resentment went through the roof and I got so mad at him. The next day he was really sad and we talked about why I got so mad. I told him I wanted to get married and he said he was thinking about proposing to me. But in reality he moves on everything SO SLOW. I appologized for getting that mad and just asked him if he’d marry me. He said yes. I then told him I wanted a beautiful big diamond ring and that I was going to start doing research and shopping around. I found the exact ring I wanted and told him “we’re buying it!” This weekend we annouced the engagement to everyone! Right now, is a month after that fight and me asking him if he would marry me. Not the most romantic story, but it got the job done! lol. Seriously, I couldn’t be happier. I have the ring of my dreams and he’s assured me he will do whatever it takes to keep us together. Sometimes people are less traditional, sentimental or just slow moving. Especially when you do all the ‘marriage’ things before marriage. Like living together, having pets and kids. If he treats you and your child right, then take charge of this process and don’t wait around on him. 

Post # 17
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

I would go. 

Post # 18
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

If marriage is important to you and he doesn’t propose within your timeline then yes, that’s a valid reason to leave.

Post # 19
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Walk…5 years is more than enough time to know whether you want to marry a person.

Post # 20
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I got engaged after 4 years. But, we talked about marriage from the beginning. What does he think about marriage? 

Post # 21
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
rose85 :  Why don’t you just ask him right now to get married? Do you really want to tip toe around waiting for a surprise proposal when you already have a child? Would you rather break up with the father of your child instead of just asking him?

Post # 22
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

how about u propose to him instead? u have a child together, he loves you and you love him. and he envisions his life with you in it. maybe he doesn’t know how to propose properly. so maybe u can show him by example – propose to him, if he says yes, and accepts your proposal, tell him he has to re-propose. u don’t need a huge wedding to be married. just need to sign the papers. ceremonies are just external expression of the paradigm shift from “singlehood” to “plural-hood”. xx

Post # 23
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

He doesn’t know when to propose but he knew when to have a baby?  I don’t think he wants to get married.  

Post # 24
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

These are the same lame excuses every guy gives who’s not truly vested. You have a whole child with him there should be no fear of “I don’t want to pressure him” that’s a load. You need to be able to talk about it openly and honestly with him and make your needs known. Don’t let him weasel out of a straight conversation, this not an unusual thing to expect. He needs to respect you enough to prioritize you and your needs. I will never understand these guys who think it’s ok to have a kid and not get married unless both of them are 100% against marriage for the sake of not liking the institution or something but this is clearly not that situation. There is no I need to do x y and z once you’ve already have a kid. I can understand if you’re young and want to finish college or want to buy a house or blah blah blah but only if you don’t already have a kid. It’s a perfectly good reason to leave him especially because chances are he’s going to leave you eventually if he’s not willing to marry you, why else wouldn’t he? Men don’t take 5 years and a kid to realize they want to marry someone (typically). These situations make me so mad he’s put you in a really bad spot and he doesn’t seem to care and he needs to.

Post # 25
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

If he wanted to marry you if would of already proposed! I’d walk

Post # 26
Member
2043 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

He’s comfy with things as they currently are and has ZERO incentive to get married.  Bee, in your heart you already know what to do.  You just want to someone to tell you what you want to hear.  That its going to be okay and he WILL marry you.  We ain’t gonna let you go down like that bee.  You know you’re being strung along so you can leave now or you can wait until you’re actually at the point of becoming bitter and spiteful, which is where you’re headed.  Make a plan bee, to get you and your little into your own place.  Be an example for your child and WALK AWAY!

Oh and if he decides to ask you to marry him when you’ve announced that you’re leaving, slap the ever loving shit out of him and tell him to get lost!   Okay, okay no actual violence but you can do this in your head!!

Post # 27
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Well… maybe he’s just trying to stay financially/emotionally secure up until he obtains this license which might enable him to be more independent and in a better position to leave? 

Post # 28
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

I agree. Given that you have a child and in a committed relationship already I think you should just ask him to marry you – you don’t need a proposal. Tell him this is what you want and you don’t want to wait anymore, if he puts you off again then I think you need to accept it’s not going to happen. As others said there is no incentive for him to marry you except to make you happy. If he really loves you and cares about your feelings he should want to do that.

Post # 29
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
cindyckx :  It does which is why she is waiting on him.  Clearly she is not having commitment issues, it’s him, so it makes sense for her to expect him to propose in this case.  If she proposes, he’d likely only say yes due to pressure and threats with a low likelihood of getting to the altar.  

Post # 30
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

This is so annoying! Pressuring him? Are you kidding me? I will never understand how men can think that getting married is a bigger commitment than having children.  You can get a divorce but you can’t go back in time….no matter what happens now the two of you are forever connected/bound together via your child. I think that if marriage is so important to you and you cannot be with him knowing he doesn’t want to marry you then you should leave. If he really wants to get married/propose pick several rings let him make the final selection, keep it inexpensive if money is a factor and let him know you aren’t expecting a grand proposal just a simple one, at home in your living room even. Explain in simple terms it’s now or never, either he’s willing to commit to a life with you or he isnt. 

But bee,I theres a good possibility that if you have to orchestrate him proposing you probabaly will end up feeling like he did it because you made him/he didn’t really care about making you happy or putting thought into an epic moment in your life. There are men out there who will want to make their partner happy and who do not have to be pushed and prodded and reminded to propose. You are really in a not fun spot, I’m sorry you’re having your feelings played with like this. Agree with pp who said that when I am excited about something, others bringing it up doesn’t feel like pressure it feels fun and exciting! I know it sucks to think about starting over and being a single mom but there is more out there than this. 

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