(Closed) 5 years and no ring. Should I stay or go?

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
7930 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’m just trying to wrap my head around a person who wants to get married agreeing to and PLANNING to have a child without that committment already made. If he wanted to marry you, he would have. But you have agreed to everything that marriage entails without it, and now you want to break up a family because he won’t put a ring on it? What a shame for the child/ren. IMO, that ship sailed when you planned a pregnancy without getting married first.

Post # 32
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I will NEVER understand people who plan to have babies without the commitment of marriage first, and then get mad later when their SO doesn’t want to rush to get married. In my opinion, you planning to have a baby with him without being married first shows him in every way that you are just fine not being married, without you actually saying it. Sorry, but you set yourself up to be in this situation.

Post # 33
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

One of you has obviously changed their mind- because your child was planned, so obv you two were able to discuss this HUGE life commitment. So either you were perfectly happy living together and having a child without marriage or he convinced you he was onboard with marriage and would be proposing soon (that is, soon after your discussion(s) on having a child). So either you’ve changed your mind and marriage has become important to you or he’s changed his mind and gone back on his word but is stalling rather than coming clean. You two are long overdue for a serious talk. 

Post # 34
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Talk it out and honestly, go down and register your union at the courthouse. You guys have a kid, which means that not only do you have to be responsible for each other but also the little one. It is easier to get him to be responsible if you guys are registered.

Post # 35
Member
3085 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
rose85 :  5 years of being together, 4 years of living together, and bringing a child into this world together is more than enough time to make a decision about marriage. I would leave for sure.

Post # 36
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I was with my partner for 13 years before he proposed. 

 

I felt much like you, I was frustrated and angry and I held resentment. When he would tll me that marraige was in the future it would only make me more mad becayse I felt like he was dangling the carrot infront of me. 

But once he was ready, and he did propose in October of this year, it was the most special and amazing moment in my life. And every negative feeling I had melted instantly.

I knew deep down that he wanted to marry, but he needed to get some things in line before he did. Some of those things were within him self, others were financial.  Only you know your relationship and only you know him. Don’t rush the choice to leave him

Post # 37
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Some of these people are being SO MEAN when all you asked for is advice…I guess that’s the nature of the internet. Please don’t blame your decision to bring another life into this world on your current situation (I mean, what a nasty way to frame what should be an amazing thing!). I also don’t believe in taking relationship advice from really anyone, much less strangers. As bees before me have mentioned, only you know your relationship!! That being said, maybe there are underlying commitment issues that stem from something in his past..have you considered counseling? I also like the idea of proposing to him–yes, it’s frank, but maybe putting him on the spot is the only way to get a true answer out of him.  The whole “you’re shameful for wanted to leave and break up a family” idea is antiquated BS. Do what makes YOU HAPPY, especially if your man isn’t willing to do it for you.  Good luck with whatever path you choose!

Post # 38
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with previous posters that said you do the proposing. It can still be romantic. And wonderful because you can be in control of the whole thing. If money is an issue you two can always do a courthouse wedding. 

Post # 39
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

its not about romance anymore. just get married at the courthouse no ring, sign and paper and move on.

Post # 40
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Forcing a man who doesnt want to get married never ends well. You both have to decide what you really want. Go from there.

Post # 41
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

I feel like we don’t have enough information to make this call. Are you both 18? If you get married at a very young age, your marriage is less likely to last and you’re probably not ready, which could be a reason why he wouldn’t want to get married yet. And what kind of license is he waiting for? Is it some kind of work license that would allow him to get a decent job and afford an engagement ring or help pay for the wedding? Since we don’t know a lot of the details, I would take everyone’s advice with a grain of salt.

A lot of bees are telling you to propose, but I would be hesitant to propose to my boyfriend. There might be something holding him back from proposing that needs to be worked through, and if you go ahead and propose to him, you’re not really adressing the underlying issue, you’re just forcing his hand. And he might agree to marry you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll stay married. The goal isn’t just to get married, it’s to have a long, happy marriage. You definitely want to get married, but he may or may not. I would have a heart-to-heart with him and talk about your timelines. What age do you want to be engaged by, and what age do you want to be married by? Does that match up with your guy? If it’s different, you can talk about why you want to be married by that age and see if you can reach a compromise. If you can’t agree on your timelines, or even worse, you can’t even have an open, calm, honest conversation about all of this, then I would leave the relationship.

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