(Closed) 5 years and no ring… Waiting is starting to get old!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I suggest you read Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan.  It really is so true.  I can understand your boyfriend’s point of view here, being in the military is so stressful.  He constantly has to worry if he is getting sent to a war zone or if he will be assigned to a different post.  I hope things work out for you.

Post # 4
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Five years is a long time for him to decide if he wants to be married.  I have been in the military and most of the men I knew in the Army did not wait too long.  He needs to be honest with what is keeping him back.  You should not have to wait forever for him to make up his mind.  Its him that will lose out, not you.

Post # 5
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with cincity that a lot of people in the military do get married quickly but that isn’t always a good thing.  He might see all these people rushing into getting married and then when they are deployed, their wife drains their bank account and lives with another man (yes I have heard of this).  Guys can be scared of getting married and being cheated on too.

Post # 7
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Some guys aren’t ready for marriage at a certain time in their life.  Honestly, I don’t think that he is and that he probably gave you a time frame so you would not leave him.  Maybe you two should have a serious discussion about where you would like the relationship to go and then leave it alone.  Set an internal deadline like Mr. Bee’s plan suggests and go from there.

Post # 8
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It is a long time.  Is it possible that he is waiting until he is out of the military? 

You indicated that you got into a blow-up fight about not being engaged, but have you had rational, calm discussions about it?  If not, I think you need to have an open, honest, discussion about getting engaged.  Find out about his views on marriage in general and about his concerns.  Keep the lines of communication open and check in with each other once in a while to make sure you are on the same page.

Basically, you have to find out whether he wants to get married, for the right reasons…I personally don’t like ultimatums.  Guys tend to get a little comfy, IMO when you live together and might need a bit of a push.  Bottom line is if he doesn’t want to get married (and you do) then you owe it to yourself to move on.

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t agree with the 3 step plan completely, I am all for ultimatum’s especially in your situation. If you’ve been together over 5 years, fought about this subject already and are starting to think he’s stringing you along, make him decide: Engagement or no more relationship. When he gets back from training let him know and give him 1 week to think about it. He will keep trying to buy more time otherwise and before you know it you’ll have been dating for 10 years and he’s still ‘not sure’.

Post # 12
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yikes! My current fiancee began waiting and waiting because I was ruining all his opportunities of surprise with my “suggestions.” Once I let off talking about it, it happened. Does this sound similar?

Have you asked him if there is something holding him back? Does he seem to be holding back or are you only wary about him because of your last relationship? What do close friends who see you together think? Mothers are sometimes well-meaning but protective and she could be just making you more concerned.

Post # 14
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t know if you should give an ultimatum right yet, but I do think you should lay it out on the table for him.  You aren’t happy with a 1-2 yrs timeline for engagement.  You would have liked to have been engaged, like, yesterday.  This is your situation and I think he should hear about it.

If I read your post right, your big fight was about something other than engagement, so it’s not clear if you’ve had a calm rational discussion about your desired timing etc.  Just that he made the comment it would happen in 1-2 years.  You were probably too confused and emotional at the time to really discuss it.  But just because he said that, doesn’t mean that’s how it’s gonna be.  You and your happiness are 50% of the equation too.

I would make it super clear to him where you stand and how soon you’d like an engagement.  If he’s not on board, or waffles, you could consider the ultimatum route.

After 5 yrs together and living together, I’m really not sure what’ll happen in 1-2 years from now to make that “the right time.”  Ask him.  He’s just delaying as long as you’ll let him.  Time for him to pay the piper!  

Post # 16
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

OMG im (kind of) in the EXACT situation you are, except my Boyfriend or Best Friend is still waiting to get in the military lol.

WEve been dating 5 years (dating since we were 20) and have lived together for 3, but I didnt start to think about marriage until around Dec 2008. Now Boyfriend or Best Friend has finally saved up enough $ for a ring and Im anxiously awaiting its arrival!

I personally think 5 years is MORE than enough time to figure out if youre “the one”, for him to say that you have to wait another year or two is a slap in the face. Seven years dating is he for real?!!?

I would talk to him.

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